Good MOrning

Good Morning Lord. Yesterday we went to church. I have been playing relationship journal now for over tow years. I started an online journal about my feelings to God and it became one about my feelings toward him. He found out about it. He found me saying stupid things, acting silly and sometimes being very reflective and endearing. Most of the time he found an insecure person obsessive over the most minute matters of life.

Yesterday I heard the usual you don't think you're good enough, you are pretty, and its all up to you sermon. Its up to you not me. I agree with all of that and cherish the fact that he can read me so clearly at times, in what he thinks is wrong with me. What needs to be fixed in me. I'd love to have some real one to one counseling to really open myself up to his questions and concerns. Will he ask the questions that need to be asked, will I answer with the words that need to be said? Who knows.

What I do find intolerable and hurtful is the constant and mindful way of how he doesn't even acknowledge me. He walks on the other side of the fountain to avoid me. He will stand right in front of me and look as if I am not even there. He prefers the situation as it is to some extent. If I don't get in line I have no contact what so ever. I am ignored by him and he is ignored by me.

I am sure about one thing and that is that our communication is not real. How can I continue with the journal, its phony. I'm not talking to him and he is not responding to me. He is not my sweetheart, my love or anything else. I can't continue this farce with myself. We don't have a relationship, we don't even have a friendship. We have nothing but words. Never to each other, never direct and purposeful.

I am not in his circle of friends. I'm not someone he feels comfortable talking to. We have nothing but a journal and sound bites in a sermon to respond to each other. It is not real. Is it real when we are together and don't even speak to each other? Is it real when we don't even look at each other eye to eye? Is this journal real? Are my feelings real? Are his feelings real? Can feelings even be considered real? Is the present the only reality? What is our reality? Are we living in a false sense of reality each day with this journal?

 WE DON'T TALK TO EACH OTHER. WE ACT AS IF THE OTHER DOESN'T EXIST WHEN WE ARE TOGETHER. WE DON'T ACKNOWLEDGE EACHOTHER'S EXISTENCE OR PRESENCE.

This journal is like a broken telephone. A message goes out but the intention is lost. Some things need to be clarified and explained and that is never done. These aren't letters to you, they are rambling thoughts that are released in my fantasy world that we actually have a relationship when in reality we don't even know each other.

It was just my imagination, once again, running away with me. It was just my imagination, running away with me.

You are quite content in your world and I am working towards that same contentment in mine. The reality is there will never be that perfect moment for us, or a perfect anything for us. Just like the real plant, we will have issues always. I will not be in the perfect state of mind and body that I long for. I will continue to search for some sense of peace and probably not find it. I know that love is more about the willingness to want to be a couple than it is about all the negative things associated with that. For all the negative there are ten positives for each one.

Professionally I can handle whatever comes my way. Emotionally I am unable to acquire a suitable mate. Spiritually, I seek God to make me over, renew my mind and my heart and soul. I know that without God none of the professional and emotional is possible. I ask God to take out of me that which is blocking my emotional stability.

Can I survive without emotional stability? Many exist that way now. Is it ideal? Of course not. Do I want an emotionally stable relationship? Of course I do. It is hard and difficult to have and maintain but I am open to that challenge. I don't even know what I am looking for that is blocking me from this one man. A man who I claim to love, but obviously that is a farce. I don't even know him. I don't know the real man.

What I do know is that there is a link between my fulfillment and purpose and my commitment to this church. Have I blurred the lines? Have I crossed over a sacred boundary?

This journal has become more of a crutch than a help for me. Instead of advancing, I've regressed. Have I reached the peak with this journal? Is it time for you to get out of my head? Daily I give you my thoughts? But the thoughts have become selective. I care what you think about what I say. I sometimes try to monitor and control what I say. Daily I give you my thoughts and for what? Am I through wondering about me? I hope not?

I have decided to keepa paper journal again. If I keep on doing the same thing I will continue to get the same results. For me to change there must be change. I need my words to be real irregardless of you, not because of you.

My commitment is to God My journal is to God. I must return it to God. My online journal will return to God. I will remove you from my online journal. I must listen and pay attention to God. Give God the Glory. Give glory to the Lord your God before he brings the darkness. Giving glory to God puts the focus back on him and puts us in our proper place.

Give glory to God for yourself, your family, your work, and your whole course of life. Give glory to God. Take pride in your relationship with God. I write this journal to God and for God. That is where my focus will be.