Field Trip

 

                                         

 

                                      I'm going to see Tommy Tenney tonight.

Revelation

                                                      

                               

                            

I missed my church yesterday. I listened to the sermon and was at first pleased, then surprised and then a revelation occurred.

Two verses/themes/stories that God always seems to refer me to all the time are, The Book of Esther, and The Prodigal Son.The Book of Esther is always at the beginning where the old Queen is called to the King and she doesn't go. I was first taken to this section when I was in the divorcing process during 1985, 1986, divorce final May, 1987. I was asking God to heal my marriage and keep us together for the children, while the devil was busy sending my ex further and further into the drug and alcohol world. I couldnt understand why God was taking me to this section. I didnt see it as a blessing for me. I saw it as an arrogant man calling his wife to prance in front of his drunk friends and she refused and she was rejected and banished All because the King couldnt have his friends see him upstaged by a woman. I saw a man who replaced his wife with a younger, prettier model and we never hear from her again. I was going through a divorce. I was not about to see a light at the end of my tunnel and I could not see that as being inspirational in any sense or form. My ex had a new girlfriend and I was old news.

 I'm able to see that in a different light now, but then I was not. The message God had for me was that I needed to move on, there was someone better for me. I had never hear of you. I left Chicago in 1977, joined the Navy, travelled the world and returned in 1989. In 1989 (fyi another 3 cubed year 1+9+8+9) I moved in with my grandfather and began sending my children to St. John De La Salle. Because family mass and mass in general became a priority for me to incorporate into my children's lives I began to attend most Sundays. One Sunday while I was writing a grocery list or what ever else I did while going through the motions of mass, you appeared. I didn't know you nor had I ever heard you preach before. I knew nothing about you. All I knew was that you were loud. I couldn't figure out what it was you had to say that you needed to shout about. God wanted me to take notice and remember. I did. I didn't start at St. Sabina then  I would gradually attend every now and then. We transferred to St. Dorothy and the youth group began uniting with the local churches and the events would bring the three churches together sometimes. I began attending regularly in 1995 when I switched jobs. That summer was the hottest on record for me. Many elderly through out Chicago died that year and the church was just hot, hot, hot, but you preached on pitching a tent and not making that your permant place. I remember that and I stayed in that church. I continued to stay and the next summer I think you preached about the eagle during bible study. That was so inspirational. I went to Galena that summer and bought an eagle key ring. We stayed at Chestnut Mountain where we were able to see eagles fly because we were so high up. I loved the analogies of building the nest with comfort and discomfort to encourage leaving the nest. I enjoyed the slide show about the eagles soaring. That was such a good series. I loved it.

Things continued to grow and finally the liking turned to something else. I was celibate, hadn't been fooling around. Keeping myself away from the nonsense and distractions of the world. I was raising my children to be great little christians and I was going to work everyday and devoting my life to them. Well bam, when the oldest graduated from high school in 2000 her father came to see her graduate. He had his other daughter from his second marriage with him then and that marriage had ended in divorce also. I was fine with them coming, I was a christian, I had gotten over him, I had moved on with my life. My girls went out to visit him every summer in Idaho for two to three months every year, we were civil to each other, and I was used to the relationship with the stepsister and half sister. His ex and I are friendly. I was so grounded I knew his coming wasn't going to be a problem with me. I told him if he left his drugs at home and was nice to my mother he could stay at our house.

Well needless to say he stayed, brought pot, and because of the antics the girls were doing I smoked some with him. That just sent me on a downward spiral. He began to question why I hadn't married, where was my man, whats all this religion stuff, and said that I had turned into an old maid. I knew it was the devil but the devil sends that which he knows you are vurnerable too. My ex knew the buttons to push and what to say to upset my nice and neat constructed reality.

I sent him on his way and I decided I was going to find me a man. I pushed it from my mind that what we had was real. I convinced myself that I what we had was just one sided and that I wasnt living in real world,  I was just imagining a connection and that I needed to get real. So I joined an upscale dating service to find me a real, tangible, relationship with a man. Needless to say that wasnt God's choice for me. I didn't seek God's advice on the matter and he didnt show up to offer advice either. God let me go down that road but he didnt let me screw up everything. That was me trying to manipulate the situation. It was a disaster. But God didnt let me lose my virginity so I'm thankful for that. After fooling around with that for a few months I came back to the church fulltime again in 2001. Your press conference.

I say all of this to refer back to yesterday's sermon. You talked about sexuality and pornorgraphy. I said to myself as I was listening, "well this doesn't pertain to me, I'm not having sex, and haven't had sex since 1989", but then God made me realize that all of the desires that I thought were longings or just ways to "love" you were wrong. It wasn't pure. It wasn't him. I hadn't sought out his advice in this matter. Sex had been a way I manipulated others in a relationship, whether by witholding it or relinquishing it. The devil was trying to have me reduce our relationship tojust sexual desires. Oh I need you, oh you need to satisfy my needs, etc. God showed me that I needed to think differently about that with you. Sex was not going to be a manipulating factor for us.

I had been hung up on the fact that you were a Cat.Prt. I felt that you weren't available for love. Sort of like how children think that teachers live at school and don't have a life outside of the school. I couldn't even think of you as a sexual being. I couldn't wrap my mind around you having sex. When I did think of you as human, the devil would pervert my thinking to reduce my desire and need for you to a sexual relationship that needed to be fulfilled in order for us to be whole. Don't get me wrong, I know that husband and wife are able to enjoy the gift of sexual healing that God had bestowed upon their relationship, the Songs of Solomon express that clearly, but I also know that the world has perverted sex to the extreme that its truly unhealthy and detrimental outside the realms of marriage.

I never wanted to have any indiscretion related to you that included me. I knew that you were an honorable man and I was not going to put you in an uncompromising situation and I felt you would never put me in one. I just didn't know how to think of you in a sexual way. I realized that my thoughts had gotten sexual. The devil was having images and suggestions come into my mind that I was allowing due to my misconception that I thought those things were part of my love for you. Wrong. When I realized I could subdue the thoughts and move and still be in love with you,  I felt a revelation. I was an overcomer. I will not let the deveil pervert or soil in anyway this relationship. Thank you for opening my eyes once again.

I am still in love, God has opened another door. The devil is and always shall be a liar.

Waiting

I'm waiting for my mother to return so we can go down to Champaign for my baby's birthday. This is her 21st year. Its special to her. My mom, my dad, my daughter and me.

I'm also waiting for the webcast of St. Sabina to come on. Its 11:30 and its still not on yet? Why?

I will have to catch the snippets when I get home this evening.

Thank you Lord for waking me up this morning. Thank you lord for allowing me to see another day. Thank your for protecting my journey home last night and the night before in that terrible storm. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Dear lord if you would take a moment and dispatch an angel to protect our journey down to Champaign and back I again give my thanks. I bless your holy name and I love you lord. I am in love with you. I worship you for who you are and what you have done for us. If you never do another thing again I will worship you until my last breath. Lord I love you. While I am not in your house of worship today you are constantly on my mind and I will reverence in yur glory all of today. I love you, I love you, I love you.

3x3x3

 

                                          

What a day. I'm going to write anyway. Faith. Faith in you and faith in me. Faith keeps us strong. I walk by faith and not by sight. Nothing has changed my feelings and I will still love you no matter what. I know what the number 1998 means now. 1+9+9+8=27 which =3 cubed or 3x3x3. The number three... I guess I will see you next week.

The children are really very interesting. I can't wait until I'm there every day.

So I guess these are reflections, ponders and wonders. I have to get back to the level of care for my thoughts and emotions that I had before I realized you might be aware of my journal writings. These ramblings have served me well and I look forward to writing when I can. I think its best you dont respond.

A response would turn this into a chat. But then a response would also validate tow way  communication. HMMMMM. Lets think about that for a while.

What am I to Do Lord??

                                        

The truth shall set you free.

I never would have said any of those things to your face so I guess it is ok that they were said now.

God wants me to know that the old way that I handled relationships was not going to be the way this one is handled.

I believe God was not going to let me talk to you with some ying yang, flip flop, junky talk. He wasn't about to allow his goal go by the way side. I would have said something foolish and you would have been like, I dont think so. You would say something irritating to me and I would be like I dont think so. This way, the truth is out in the open. Somewhat.

                                      

Of all the Gin Joints in All the World You Walk into Mine

 

                                            

 

I know what he means....of all the journals in all the world you read mine... I just started it this month.. I don't even use my AOL account until now..I have had it since 1998..something about that year...I wonder and I ponder...I will write...I will continue to write..it just amazes me..How...when...who...but it really doesnt matter..its done..it is ultimately between us and now it really is between us, and the rest of the two or tree people that have viewed this journal..why didnt I keep a paper journal..why an electronic one..why now...why did you look now..Its amazing...

Trust

                         

                                               

                                             

 

"A Good Marriage is that in which each appoints the other

the guardian of their soul."

-Rainer Maria Rilke

Letters, 1892-1926

" A joyful heart is the normal result of a heart burning with love."

Mother Teresa

" One thing Jesus asks of me: that I lean on Him; that in Him and only in Him I put complete trust; that I surrender myself to Him unreservedly...Even if we feel like a boat without a compass on the high seas, we are to commit ourselves fully to Him, without trying to control His actions."

Mother Teresa

 

Two years, twenty years, I'm in it for the long haul. Its been six years already and I'm still here.  I was not surprised by the coincidences when you  read bible passages that I had just read at home on multiple occasions and I know there was no way you would have know what I was reading. God wanted me to take notice then and now. I don't know why this is the only voice that you hear from me but then I thank God that you are hearing something. I dont know if the message will be the same, if the openness will continue, if the thoughts are able to flow freely again. I will try to treat this as if it is unknown. But if I call for intimacy, soul mating, trust and companionship then don't I need to let you in my mind, heart, and soul? Don't you need to know some of these things? Will this be a good beginning? Was this too overwelming? Answer but don't answer. Respond but don't respond. Trust is what I must develop. Trust is important here. Is it alright that this is to the world and you are a part of that world? I can't control the actions of the world.

Trust I must and trust I will. I live day by day and if I must learn to trust you with my heart then that is what I have to do, come what may. Why is it that God knows exactly what the obstacles are and cuts to the chase. Trust, do I trust  you? Do you trust me? Why is it that everytime I am around you guys just seem to come out of the woodwork. Before I couldnt catch a cold now I just seem to attract people. I don try to and I never lead them on in anyway. This girl is taken. I know that many women are in love with you in some capacity. I thought I was in love in the savior kind of way but then I believe it changed for me. I know that women fall for their psychologist, preacher and any male mentor who makes them feel worthy.

Why is it all the moments you try to put together I screw them up? The wonderful Temptations song, "My Girl", the evening last year at the sunset event at the point I run the other way when you try to hold a conversation. I think that we are preparing for something very special. I have to believe that there is a future but also I will not become preoccupied with the future, there is no reason, God is in the present and the future and I know God is with me. My God shall supply all of my needs. Waiting is a luxury. To be able to know that your  wait is not in vain is glorious. What will be will be. Wait on the Lord. I notice these things.

                                 

He Plays So Beautiflul

                           

 

I wish I could hear him now, playing the music of my heart. I'll see him tomorrow. I hope it doesnt rain. It will do my soul good just to be near him. We can do our dance, close but not to close.

My Heart

                        

Lord dispatch your warring angel to protect my heart, my love and my happiness. The devil is busy trying to destroy my happiness, take my joy and get me into nothing but trouble. Dispatch your fighting angel to stop that mess from going on.

 

My Dad

                   

My Dad fell and hit his head last night.

I had been trying to reach him all week, well, two days I called and no answer..I should do more...he worries me...I knew something was not quite right. I must listen to that inner voice more. God help me to discern your word, your warnings, your help.  He's all alone in that apartment. His building is such a responsibility. Its getting to be too much, I have to help out more. I try to help. I try not to fuss at him for what he's not doing. I know its hard for him, especially with his health problems. He just won't slow down. Who would. When you get older you just don't believe your body won't do the things you tell it like it used to before.

I pray that its not cancer. He keeps trying to lose more weight for the trip, but then he has dizziness and passes out. I know he has lost weight but he tells me he's just dieting. Could he be lying and trying to cover up what he knows might be the truth? He changed his eating habits when they told him he might have to go on the dialysis machine. We have an appointment on the 3rd, his hemoccult came back with blood in the stool, for a colonoscopy to see if there are any polyps and if they are malignantcy. If it is cancer then what?  I'm going to have to go over there on Thurs eve after Syl cause the hospital time will be very early. I love my daddy. He's not perfect but who is? I'm the only one out of four children that will come and see about him and help him. They get mad at me because I'm his favorite. He told them he was leaving the building to me and they get mad, don't want to see him again. How am I suppose to bring this family together? Is it even possible, me and my brother have the same mom, the other two have different moms and are much younger than me. What am I to do Lord? They dont even have a car to go visit if they wanted. I might have to stay out ther with him a few months. Oh Lord, what am I to do? Pray, Pray, Pray.

Lord please watch over him and protect him on his journey. Lord I know one day he will come to you but please dont let that day be soon.

Dear Lord dispatch your comforting angels to keep him safe and protect him on his journeys.

Lord no weapon formed against him shall prosper, in Jesus name. Amen. 

                   

What a wonderful day!!!!
We had a really good breakfast and I was the first one!!!! It just happened that way. We fellowshipped and really tried to reflect on our own experiences and impressions of a teacher which influenced us. My shin splint started bothering me. Why did God wake me at 4:30. This is going to be a long day. Off to Syl, back at 9*00. Tomorrow off to COD. Then off to Syl.
I saw him, I saw him. He's can be playful too. He a multifaceted human being.
I wonder why he stopped giving me a kiss?

Education

                         

Children have more need of models than of critics. -Joseph Joubert

In praising or loving a child, we love and praise not that which is, but that which we hope for. - Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

Even a child is known by his doings. - Proverbs 20:11

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones. - Luke 17:2

The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children are now tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers. - Attributed to Socrates

A child tells in the street what its father and mother say at home. - The Talmud

Even a child is known by his doings. - Proverbs 20:21

Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings hast thou ordained strength. - Psalms 8:2

 

Marriage

                            

Thoughts to ponder,

this is where you are leading me Lord, I have seen it and I accept it. I look forward to it. The thought refreshes me. It entices me. I know that you are guiding our steps. You will keep this union fruitful. Why do you need me? I never thought of myself as one of your beloved and chosen. Am I  a favorite? Lord you told me once I was beautiful when I didn't think I was. You have taken me from stinkin' thinkin' to a more positive attitude about myself and the world. You rescued me from destruction. Then you rewarded me with love. A chosen love that you have annoited.

The Wedding, when...,how....., where?? Just wondering, pondering, knowing that this is the the road I am on. This is not the end, but the beginning. Strengthen me lord not to run away when he asks.

The bride and groom. I like the sound of that. Husband and wife. Lord why did you make my spiritual leader also my love interest? I know pastor's have wives but I never expected to be one. How do you do the delicate balance? Once I was able to wrap my mind around that fact the rest was easy.

I may need a name tag on Friday. He might not recognize me again. Maybe a big hat. No silly, he's never seen you in a big hat so why would he think to look for you in one now? Just be cool, when you see him go up to him and say hello. Thats it. Hello. Howdy. Whats up? Hi. Hellloo. Silly, Silly.

The Air We Breathe

 

                                          The Scent

Wash with Oil of Olay body wash Complete for dry skin

Spray with Bath and Body Works Pleasures Moonlight Path with lavender extract Body Splash

Spray with Escada Perfume

Viola, Enjoy, Enjoy, Enjoy

It is me, It is for you, I love you, I am in love with you

 

God is so amazing, here I was, grumpy that I had to attend the early service, fretting that I would only have have an hour with you because I had to leave early to go to work and bam, what did God do, he had you attend my service. What a nice surprise. What an appropriate message. What a good morning. Did you miss me when I left? Did you wonder why I was sitting in the rear?  Did you look for me? Did your eyes search for me? Our eyes didn't have a chance to have a real  encounter. I told you good bye with my heart and my mind. I listened to you in the parking lot  for a minute. Thank You for being there for the 8*30. I know you must be tired, it was a long day for me and a long day for you. Rest and enjoy your evening. Good Night Sweetheart.

Women and Men

 

The delicate dance we do to not seem amused...

when our every thought and action is about you.

 We look but don't look. We stay near but not too near.

We touch but only slightly.

The look, the eye contact, the glance, the stare, the smiles.

What do we do? What do we say, we are not suppose to feel this way?

 Why do I care? Because I must. Because I do. Because I want to.

Every day is a blessing that I am here and I have yet to complete what God wants me to do. The visions that he has shown me, the things we are to accomplish are to massive to imagine. The people we will bring to the Lord. The hundreds and hundreds of people that I have seen us bringing to the Lord. Show them how to love he says, show them how to care. Be an example of my undying love and mercy. What an awesome responsibility. Can I do it? When God first showed me his vision I ran like a scared rabbit. Not me, I can't do that, but the Lord had faith and he said I save you from that accident because there is a purpose for you in my Kingdom. He wrapped his loving arms around me and saved me and my girls. If he never does anything else for me I know that that day in the Nevada desert he saved us, he came down and revealed his presence to me, him alone. But I know he wants to do more and he has a job for me to do. I have used this journal writing as a cartharis to release the thoughts and feeling that I have built up. I had to get them out to the world. What ver his plans for me I am willing to accept them. Like Jonah, I ran but I am back now, and ready to do whatever I have to to accomplish God's mission. I'm ready. Let's Get it ON!!! Let's do this thang!!!! Bring it ON!!!

My Trinity

                                                         

 

                                             Jesus

 

Me                                                                                        Him

Favor

Now the king was attracted to Esther more than to any of the other women, and she won his favor and approval more than any of the other virgins. So he set a royal crown on her head and made her queen instead of Vashti. And the king gave a great banquet, Esther's banquet, for all his nobles and officials. He proclaimed a holiday throughout the provinces and distributed gifts with royal liberality.

Esther 2:17-18

Favor with the King

I have favor. One night with the King. I want favor. I need favor.

OOOOhhhhh he looked sooooo handsome!!!! I love hhim in blue!!

I HAVE FAVOR WITH THE KING.

ME, the little colored girl from the southside, has favor with the KING.

He can have anyone , anywhere, and he wants me. I see no one but him. No one even peaks my interest but him. I asked God to send me someone to jumpstart my heart and he sent someone who was able to sneak in, unlock all the barriers I had set up around my heart and just rev it up. Now I'm like a giddy school girl in love. I never expected nor wanted, until recently, to have recognition that I even had a heart. I was ready to live out my days alone, now I can't imagine doing that alone. I was comfortable with myself. I had a routine, a life, an existence. I was quite ready, until he came along.

Protocol, Protocol, Protocol. remember how to act, what is appropriate, what does he like, what doesn't he like, who knows those things, who are the ones with the intimate knowledge, will I be allowed in the inner court? Don't screw it up Judi, don't despair, with God on your side, success is emminent, and KNOW that God is on your side.

He loves me, he loves me, he loves me.

I love him, I love him, I love him.

We love each other.

Love, Love, Love.

God Bless You

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.     1 John 4:8

We can choose to acknowledge or continue to ignore.

Why must I be a prisoner of faith in you, God alone has ordained this union. God alone will allow this union. If it is to be it will be due to his calling. I am a prisoner of being in love with you and a prisoner of hope in a promise of an "us". Was this what you needed to hear?  Will this soothe your soul? Will you find solace in those words or are there other words that you long to hear? What now? How long? When?  Have you grown tired of me? Has a new love turned your eye? Do I bore you? Does this mean anything to you? What words do you need? What sounds must they make, what consonants and vowels must you hear, what syllables must I say to let you know you command my thoughts daily, hourly, continuously? What must I say and how do I say it to let you know that you make a difference in my world. What are the words, please, tell me now, to ease my suffering.

I love you, I'm in love with you.

You touched my heart today and I just want to say I love you, I trust you and I have faith in you. God is working something out with me and while my silence is maddening I believe it makes me look like an idiot! I'm not an idiot! Don't give up on me, Please, don't give up on me!

Soul Mate

My soulmate love me

my soulmate needs me

I need him, I want him, I love him

I am not complete without him, He completes me in every way.

He is my alpha and omega, my beginning and my end. I wake with him on my mind and heart, I sleep with him in my thoughts and dreams. I am consumed by him. His is my beginning and my end, my love, my heart, my soul, my mate.

What a position to be in, the all consuming responsibility of being my mate. My soul yearns for you and you alone, my mate.

My Love

I saw my love today

my love saw me today

we saw each other..today

Take Care my love and I will see you tomorrow

I love you, I'm in love with you, I just don't know what to do with you. Wait, wait, wait. The time is not right, hope you are ready when it is right. Wait, wait, wait.

Will we Meet, Will it Happen, Can it Happen?

Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, YES, YES, YES, YES......

but you didn't ask.

Waves

Help!!!

Can anybody hear me??

Is there anyone who can help me??

What kind of help do you need??

Help!!

I need to be rescued, saved, comforted and nourished.

I am here, just call my name.

Jesus!! Jesus!! Jesus!!

In Red, In Love

My silence is pensive My thoughts of you are many, I want to tell you of my love for you how I wake every morning with you on my mind how I am longing for your touch my heart aches for your touch doubt and despair are rampant what if...., just let it happen if its going to happen stop being such a baby about your only heart its been broken before, it mended, it can love again, its like a timex, it takes a licking but it keeps on ticking, love openly and whole one more time, what could happen?

Judith

Occassionally in life there are those moments of unutterable fulfilment which cannot be completely explained by those symbols called words. Their meanings can only be articulated by the inaudible language of the heart.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

Judith

WOMAN OF WISDOM

JUDITH

The fear of the lord is the beginning of wisdom. Psalms 111:10