Joy, Joy Joy, Joy
Joy to have another day to get things right
Joy that I can wake up with everything working normal today
Joy that I have great expectations for today
Joy, Joy, Joy
I feel blessed and highly favored today
I feel good things are going to happen to me today
Today is my day
I order my steps in God's will
Today, I will enjoy today and not let one minute be ignored
Today, Today, Today
I love today
May the love of God bless you and wrap you with his love all day today.
My day today is rather light. Work of course from 3:45-9pm. But before that my time is mine. I know I should call Daddy and check out what's going on with him but I told him I wasn't coming over during this time. I needed some me time. I suppose I could call him.
No word from the ex, I suspect he may not come. It's still a week away.
I think I will get my resume and cover letter more together and think about my interview suit. I have to go shopping for a new suit. I havent had one in a long time. I know what I should do, but sometimes I just don't do it. We know what we should do but we just don't do it. Get thee behind me Satan, In Jesus name I rebuke you Satan.
Today is Thursday, tomorrow is Friday. I plan to arrive early. All things work together for the good of those that love the Lord. All things are workng together for good. All things.
"I Will Trust You, Lord
You have a plan for me - purpose and destiny; though sometimes I feel I'm lost; circumstances seem to come to make me doubt you Lord--but I will trust you Lord
You have a path for me to prosper and succeed; though sometimes I can't find my way--Lord you are the way, the truth and the light, you gave me life and I will trust you, Lord."
"My Worship Is For Real
You don't know my story
All the things that I've been through
You can't feel my pain
What I had to go through to get here
You'll never understand my praise
Don't try to figure out
Because my worship, my worship is for real
I've been through too much not - to worship him
Hallelujah, hallelujah my worship is for real"
These were from different sheets given to us when we arrive for the 11:15 service. I was cleaning out my bible and these struck me as important and pertinent to my life today. I don't want to miss my life. I don't want to spend it trying for something I think I need or want. I want to go for what God wants me to have.
I know my story is real, I know my heart is real. My God has not forsaken me and I will trust him to move me towards his purpose and destiny. Obey, obey, obey. His will and purpose is what I desire and long to do. I am faithful. I will stay faithful.
I went to the Field Museum today to see the Jackie exhibit. Very nice. Very crowded. Then we went to lunch in Naperville. Another day with mom and I survived.
As I look over my entries since the first one in July, I see a lot of me. Me, me, me. It sounds so selfish, and self centered. Pityful at times. Depressing. But its me. Its me, not polished, not dressed up for all to see, just pure plain, obnoxious me. Five months of me. What will the new year bring? A more mature, sophisticated me. I doubt it. But at least a more settled me. Maturity is something I am seeking while I examine this world. What of us for 2005? Maturity. Have I learned what I need to learn? Obviously not.
"Relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing had yet been done." C.S. Lewis
"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26
Spontaneity. I miss that from you. You respond and react to what I say. You don't seem to have any expectation of anything new. You expect me not to say anything. You expect me not to do anything. You use to be more spontaneous. We had more chemistry working. We could look across the room at each other and light up. I still can. You continue to interest me.
I don't mean to jealous of others who talk to you. Its not their fault.
I hope you slept well.
I repeatedly ask God why.
He says to me "For all the people who talk to him, he would take that and spend fie minutes talking to you"
I say when
"When I'm ready"
How
"My way"
I think I am just frozen. I have no control or say so, so I just do nothing. I'm felling like i'm not a part of this. Whenever I try to do something, it just goes all wrong, so why try. Say nothing, do nothing, be nothing. I feel like I should do something. God helps those who help themselves, right. Shouldn't I be helping my self? Well, its obvious that I'm not doing such a good job of that.
2004
This is a year to be very reflective.
Lots of things have happened.
Some things are the same and some things have changed.
This was a good year. For all the bad it has been a good year.
My back is bothering me and I have a heating pad on it and some Ben Gay.
The girls say I smell like an old lady. Oh well.
I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow.
This week I am suppose to go th the Field Musuem to see the Kennedy exhibit.
We are also going to see Polar Express one day too before Lizzie leaves.
Today I am just going to pray and ask God for guidance. Not worry and just stay calm. Enjoy your time off. Relax.
I want to get this off my mind. My ex husband called at 4am the other morning he wants to come out and visit the girls.
He asked if he could stay at my house.
He will be here from January 3rd through the 6th.
I was asleep, and tired and I told him he could stay.
The girls are looking forward to their dad coming out to stay and are thankful that I am letting him stay in our house.
This is a man with a college degree who works at the Boise Airport as a skycap because he's an alchoholic. He can't pass a drug test.
He was drunk when he called and asked. The airlines gave him a free roundtrip ticket.
He's an a-hole but he's their father.
I live with my mother, brother and two daughters. I won't be alone with him. I'm not worried about that. The visit just unnerves me. Give me guidance. He may neot even come, this may just be smoke and mirrors to impress the girls.
Give me guidance.
I didn't get a chance to say that to you today. There were some looks and almost real flirting. Thank you for the flowers. I look forward to seeing you in the morning. I hope you had a good day. It was fun today, like a family gathering. I have a card for you that I have been carrying around for the past two days. I will make sure I give it to you tomorrow.
I have something to tell you, I plan to tell you in person.
It's Christmas Eve and I'm happy.
I get to see my love today.
My Love, My Love, My Love.
They say I wake up too happy.
I don't care.
I get to see my love today, I get to see my love today, I get to see my love today.
And on that note I need to get ready to be able to leave here at 7:30 so that I am there when the doors open, and I have a good seat right up front.
I get to see my love today, I get to see my love today, I get to see my love today.
Psalm 121
I lift up my eyes to the hills-
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip-
he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord watches over you-
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The Lord will keep you from all harm-
he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both NOW and FOREVERMORE.
I was awakened this morning by you and God. You bothe were on my mind.
As I begin my day, I want you to know that God watches over your comings and goings. I am reassured that the blessings of God are upon my life. I have you in my life. As you go through your day remember that.
Be blessed and be a blessing to someone today.
I only had to ask and God showed me why he has me doing these dreadful things. Its going to be my new hobby. I know that God knoew I was a little leary of having to stay at home and busy myself. So, since God knows what each and every one of us needs individually he saw that home repair was something I might be interested in. Only I didn't know that. And it took a long time for me to realize that I really did enjoy doing what I was doing. After getting smacked in the mouth with the pole I think he had my attention then and I began pay attention to what I was doing and found I liked it. Especially when I did it right. I think I need this because the time goes by when I do it and I don't need to be sitting infront of the TV everyday. I also know that I probably won't be teaching for long. I heard you on Sunday with the story about Mrs. King and her career. That's why I think God has given me this hobby. I fought it though, until he made me take notice. Being at home fulltime is an art. You have to have something to do or you will go crazy. I did it before and I know what I'm talking about.But now, now, I have something to do and it will take up my time. I love. God always knows what we need, and gives it to us, even if we don't know it at the time. Love you, in the meantime I still have to work so I am off to work.
Spackling, lighting fixtures and tile scraping. Don't ask.
As I was going through my day with this stuff I asked God why do you have me doing this? I finished student teaching and pretty much for this entire time except for a day here and there, I have been doing work at that building. Why, why me, why now. I'm sure there's some learning I'm suppose to get. I didn't hurt myself today, I actually enjoyed spackling and scraping. I did a good job changing out the light fixtures. I guess if this teaching thing doesn't work I can become a handyman.
I miss being able to write to you first thing in the morning. Lately I am out of the house by 7-7:30. Not back until 8:30 today. Back Wednesday and Thursday. I am not going back over ther again during the holiday week. I refuse.
I wonder where you are when you read these entries. I wonder what you are doing, I wonder if you smile sometimes when you read them. I wonder.
Well I am going to prepare for bed. I know you have a lot to do to prepare for the wonderful Christmas Eve service. I'm looking forward to it. Take care and have a blessed evening. Rest well. Relax. Remember who's the reason for the season-
"my heart is heavy, it has love in it
my soul is restless, its birthing a dream
my mind is racing, its visualizing the truth" - Judi
I have to bargain for time now on the computer. I have another computer but I havent had it fixed. I guess its time to get it fixed. I have spent the day at "the building". I had my first casualty, I was hit in the face with a clothes closet pole. It hurt. I cried. I put ice on my face so it wouldn't look like I had been beaten up. I am so tired of being a handyman. I need a good handyman in Lynwood. Someone honest, reliable and reasonable.I have to go back tues, wed, and thurs. Nine closets fixture lights and nine closet doors.
I hear but I don't want to verbalize what I am hearing. I'm just waiting. I feel that you are busy and pressured. I want you to do your best to relax. I think you are excited about what you are planning, and I know it will be great. I'm excited too. I'm walking by faith and not by sight. I believe that all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord. The Lord is the light, the truth and the way.
Thank you Lord for allowing me to have a busy day. I won't complain again about not having anything to do. Today I got up went to work, went to my dad's to help him prepare for reinspection on Monday. Got back home around 8:30. My daughters were both home. Thank you for allowing us all to travel safely today.
I missed not writing to you today. I look forward to having some contact with you everyday. I must trust not to rely on my own understanding but rely on God in everything.
I get to see you tomorrow. Tomorrow, tomorrow, its only a day away. I going to do thirty minutes on the treadmill before going to bed. Good Night my love. My Love, my heart, my angel muffin cake.
Thank you Lord for allowing me to know love.
Thank you Lord for letting me have a quiet day.
Thank you Lord for all that you do, even when I don't know what it is you are doing.
Dear Lord, protect my love and strengthen him so that he is able to do the things he needs to do. Give him clarity and peace of mind to make the right decisions and to hear your word in all of them.
And finally Lord that you for just being you. Amen.
I'll be home for Christmas, you can count on me, I'll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams..." (song by somebody) My darling, my darling, I have spent my day very unproductive. I went to the movies and saw Spanglish. It was OK. I then looked over my planner from Unity Fellowship and put things in for the year. My birthday falls on Holy Thursday. I can look forward to seeing you on my birthday. I also saw that for the next two Friday's I will see you, so, date night will end this year with us being in the same place, at the same time, on the same day, oh how beautiful, that's something to look forward to. A real date night. I think I lost my intimacy when I tried to make sense out of this. I put down my pictures, my sayings, my endearments as just nonsense. I didn't treasure the intimacy I had found with you through this journal. I am so sorry. I tried to find it a different way, a way that I thought made sense and it didn't work. I have since learned that making sense to me is not part of the deal. I have to be willing to continue even when it doesn't make sense. So I am now back to preparing my body. I have slacked off on my exercising and I plan to get back to women's workout. I know that one day we will be together and I don't want to be fat when that daycomes. Alright my love, I am going to end now. When ever I make a long entry it has a chance of being lost. I will talk to you later, before I go to bed. 
I am so happy that you are trying to have unity in the church even though you have resistance. You know what its feels like to be in the presence of God and know that there is really more out there than this. I love the old testament when they talk about walking with God, how God came down to see what they were doing. How there was a closeness with God. When I think about how he loves us, I think about how I do love my daughter. She will do wrong sometimes but I still love her. That helps me think about how God still loves us. I think about how I say I love you and I wonder what that means to you. I wonder if it scares you, if you doubt it or if you believe it. There is so much to think about.
When I think about Mary and Jesus I know that she loved him. She knew he could perform that miracle at the wedding because he probably performed it many times when he was a toddler. He would want a certain drink and they might be out so he would just turn what ever was available into what he wanted. I believe that is why she knew she could ask him to do that. She knew what he could do. She was his mom. She raised him, with all of his earthly wants and desires as a child.
Just wondering and pondering about stuff. What an interesting time we live in.
Well, tomorrow, look for the outside lights. I cannot find the container that they are in. I have to go in the garage or under the stairs. Oh well, I know its somewhere.
Have a good night and take care of yourself. May God Bless you and keep you tonight.
I am blessed to wake up and have another day to get things right.
I have to go over to my dad's and wait for the Orkin people. Then I have to go to work.
I hope you rested well, had a good breakfast and you are ready to challenge the world. Have a good day. Enjoy life today. You do such a good job with the things God has given you. Continue todo that. Keep your motives for God.
I do trust in God and I trust you. I do. I believe, I believe I believe.
My friend's husband found a lump in his neck and it turned out to be cancer. They are waiting on the results of a CT scan done yesterday to see where it has spread. I am praying form them today. The wait is the hardest for them right now.
Say a prayer if you have a chance.
I have to go now, Lynwood is calling for my presence. Take Care and have a blessed day.
Each and everyday will bring new chances to get things right.
Each day will be a chance to draw nearer.
Each and everyday will allow me to renew my relationship with god.
Thank you for each and every day Lord.
Good night my dear.
Good Morning, Good Afternoon, and Good Evening seem so formal. I just want to say Hi. Hi.
Now that I am home everyday I have a chance to think about things. Now you might say that's dangerous for me but none the less God has given me the ability to do that. I was thinking about our unity fellowship last night.Now there is a confidentiality thing about the info discussed and I will not break that. Just thinking though, on the subject in general and the need for recognition and comfort. How we are very reluctant to go outside of our comfort zones and do things that may not benefit us directly. To have unity we have to be willing to care about those that can't care for themselves. We have to be a voice for the less fortunate. Who will be a voice for us when we can't speak or stick up for ourselves? I think we have to also not always need recognition when we do something. Just do it and move on. When someone else is recognized we can't say why not me? But we do say why not me. Is that pride, envy, jealousy? We are generally good people, can we be happy for others even when we aren't recognized and we have done the same thing or even more?
I'm just pondering on some thoughts. It made me think about my certificate. I worked hard, I wanted to teach to help the young. Have I made it more important in my life? Would I give up teaching to do something else? I believe I would. I believe I want to do what God want's for me. It's like, God has me prepared for this but I'm not doing it now. I like to think that I'm taking December off. Resting and reflecting. Where to now Lord, where to now.
Well, I'm washing clothes now and will be working this evening from 4-9. Enjoy your day. When are we going to go protest something?
Unity was in this house tonight. We had 5 of the 7 show up. We read, we reflected and we discussed. We spent a lot of time discussing how to create the one voice in our community. We want to have unity in the community. I hope you had a good evening. We read your letter "Realizing Unity" and we really discussed how we could individually make unity happen. It's a challenge and it requires us to have less pride, jealousy and more focus on God.
"Like obedience, service is something we offer up to God as an act, of trust and love and worship." Lois Evans
I hope you had a good sleep. Peaceful and restful. I hope you woke up with the love of God in your heart. Refreshed and ready to begin the new day. The sun is shining the air is crisp, and today is our day of fasting and reflecting on unity.
I know this is only a snapshot in time of feelings, words, and moods. As I look at my last entry, I don't want you to think Pat was saying bad things about you. She wasn't. I have joined the women's club and she is an officer as she was telling me about some of the things that they do and how those things are done. The ETA event, the Valentines Dance and the Holy Thursday dinner. She was asking also whether I was still at the school, stuff like that. It's like she didn't want me to go. Just sit there and talk, really listen to her, and so I did.
I keep my dreams to myself. I don't share them with anyone anymore. When I did it wasn't too pleasant. Oh well. Move on.
I am staying hopeful and don't care. I don't care if it seems as if the whole church knows my problem. I don't care if they all seem to want to help me somehow someway. I have said nothing to them and if its you well then fine, if its not and its just pure dumb luck, then its God. Whatever it is, I am relying on God to guide me. I have to be thankful that I am in a place that cares about me. I don't care if the whole world knows. I know they only have your happiness in mind and if they can help me then so be it.
You did a wonderful job of reconciliation. Julie was great. You have good people around you that care about you. I don't want to be a negative in your life and draw positive energy away from things you can be doing. I only want to add positive influences to your life. I want God to be the influence behind anything I do. I don't listen to anything or anyone that has anything bad to say about you. I refuse. I tell them I don't want to hear it. I will not allow anyone to say anything bad about you around me.
Here I am praying now for the closeness we had before I began to search (in my own human way) for closeness with us. I know if I go back to the basics it will happen. I sincerely want to get the simple things back.
I listened to Isreal on the way home. "I am a friend of God" and "Here I am to Worship". I listened to the second cd. I really like that set.
Well I have to prepare for tomorrow. I didn't do anything today.
Have a good evening and I will say a prayer for you tonight as I do every night.
"God speaks in the silence of our heart, and we listen. And then we speak to God from the fullness of our heart, and God listens. And this listening and this speaking is what prayer is meant to be: that oneness with God, that oneness with Jesus." Mother Teresa
"Souls of prayer are souls of deep silence. We cannot place ourselves directly in the presence of ? God without forcing ourselves to an inner and an outer silence. Therefore, we have to get used to the silence of the spirit, of the eyes, and of the tongue." Mother Teresa
Silence. I have tried to have a lot of that this morning. I think I am getting a cold or sinuses or something. I feel dreadful. I have been drinking lots of tea and fluids. I have taken some sinus medicine and I think I will be ready for this afternoon. Two hours of work and then the reconcilation service. I may be a little late since I dont get off till six but I have to update the student books. Shouldnt take too long. If I see you I see you, if not then, there's always another day. I'm not as thoughtful today. I am just standing on my promise. I'm not moving. I'm silent. Reflective. Congested.
I am finally home. This was a long day. I woke up this morning and I just had a urge to go to church. I washed my hair and got ready. My daughter had gotten home around 5am with her friend (girl) and they were noisy and had been drinking. Of course my mother tells me I need to talk to them because they left the garage door open and set the alarm off on the door. When I go to them one is sleep in my other daughter's room and the other is in her room sleep. What am I going to do with them.
So I decided to go to church. I would like to say God led me to go instead of tryiing to fight with two drunk girls.
When I got to church, I was able to just pray on those girls and their situation. Seeing the first communion children reminded me of when they were having their first communion and that they are children, but they are 23 years old.
I had to leave to go to work. It was a good service. I am asking God to lead me with this. I don't think I will do anymore spiritual counseling for a while. I just need to rely on God's word and listen to you more. No one has ever told me not to listen to you, if anything its been more like who do I think I am getting a catch like you.
I don't know what I am to do, but I plan to stay in prayer and listen to God's word. I know that I am willing, ready and able.I will stay steady on the journey and where ever it leads thats where I'll go. I do like to know the who, what, when, where and how. But I guess that's another hurdle, to just sit back and trust.
I will continue to look for work, and try to keep my family on an even keel. I will look to God for direction on what to do. I will look to God for direction with you. Its like, I'm suppose to do something. But what. Over one hurdle on to the next. I can trust you. I know that. No matter what happens I know that you are, to the best of your ability, trustworthy. I know that anything can happen and anything is possible. I nknow that you arent perfect and that's ok too. I don't have unrealistic expectations. You seem to know so much its like I have nothing to hide. You still know and you are still there.
Well, dear, its been a long day and I need to ger ready for bed.
I think I'm going to try and do the 8:30 more often. I know that I'm closer to you when I'm there. I will just believe God's promise/word to me and not wonder how it will happen. Just believe, and have faith. Give yourself a big hug from me. One day you will have the real thing.
Be blessed and be a blessing to someone.
I woke up this morning thinking it was Sunday. I was happy about that, then I realized it was Saturday and I had to go to work. Twice a week isnt enough. I will be at the reconciliation service on Monday. I won't see you on Tues. I got my certificate in the mail yesterday. I am fully certified and legal. Yeah!!!
The anticipation of seeing you on Sunday. Yeah!!!!!
Gotta go to work then I'm free for the day. I wil lcome home and put up Christmas decorations.
Be Blessed and be a blessing to someone today.
I Am Lost Without You
My eyes are open and the storm is over.
Once again you are right. I don’t know why I don’t listen to you more. This morning I have spent the last three hours praying to God and asking him to help me and show me what he wants me to do. He directed me to Jonah. Right away I was like, OK, I know you want me to do this thing and I have run away but how do I get back. How do I embrace your will now. How do I make this happen? As I read I began to see how Jonah was told by God what to do. Go to these people who are wild and barbaric. He feared them because of what they do to their enemies and God had told Jonah to tell them they were wrong and Jonah felt they would do that to him, so he flees. While on the boat during the storm, he goes in the bottom and falls into a deep sleep. God is with him. They throw him over with much discernment and he is tossed into the wild sea but there is calm on the boat. After Jonah is picked up by the fish he prays and praises God immensely. He recognizes his power yet again and he is saved. He asks God again what to do and he tells him to go to Nineveh, again. He gets there and tells them what God has told him. They repent and God has compassion on them and saves them. Then Jonah is resentful. He feels God could have done this without him and the fact that he had compassion on them upset Jonah. God goes on to say even the ignorant need saving.
Now what does this have to do with my saving grace? Everything and nothing.
I began to pray to God continuously to help me, show me, guide me. I asked him to show me what I was fearful of. What was keeping from doing his will. I then began to forgive those that had hurt me. Those that had misused my trust. But this time I included people I hadn’t included before and I began to ask God to bless them, show favor in their lives, to allow them to feel comfort from him on this day. I asked God to forgive them for their sins and to forgive me for allowing this to take over my life. It was like a weight had been removed from my shoulders. A calmness came over me and I felt released. I no longer had the feelings of dread and fear. I remembered you telling me before to forgive my enemies and I thought I had but I had never blessed them and wished good things in their lives. I truly mean that too.
Where would I be without you. I don’t want to know.
I choose to love God.
I am choosing God and his promise for me. His vision is real and I accept it as fact in my life. I seek him earnestly and with enthusiam. I am not going to dissappoint you or God. When I said I am sorry and forgive me that was because I seem to not be taking up the demands of God. I want to believe in that peace that I have when I know that God says everything is going to be ok. I know that's possible and I want to be real and recognize that peace and remind myself that ultimately I am loved. I have support and faith and love will see me through. I am blessed.
"The more we trust God to meet our needs, the less likely we are to try to meet them ourselves with disastrous results." - Lois Evans
"And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19
Dear Lord,
Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me.
My Love, My Love, My Love,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Its nice to be able to read the bible and receive a message from God. I am changing from the old to the new. I don't want to lose you in the process. I must be resistant to the new and I know that change is inevitable. Everything around me may change but God is changeless. I now want to reestablish, renew and remain in fellowship, partnership and friendship with you. I will no longer be in search of some man made solution to help me talk to you. God will handle that, as he had before, and if I let him do his thing, everything will be alright. I have to sit back and let him take control, keep control and stay in control. Relax, calm down, have patience. Let what's going to happen, happen. I will keep my appt for Thurs 12 noon with sister Debbie, but I'm not trying to find a way to talk to you anymore, I just want to draw nearer to God, more spiritual direction. My day was quiet. I worked the afternoon and came home. Tomorrow, pretty much the same. I will be doing some decorations. I like the lights you have up for Christmas. Its very nice. May the angels wrap you in their loving arms and keep you safe from harm. Good Night My Love.
I have been sitting here for two hours trying to think of something to say. I believed in my heart, I was ready to make a change, do something different and it didnt happen. I was so sure that was going to be the night.
There was more closeness before I began the whole search of how to talk to you. This search has taken on a life of itself. Back to the basics. Meet and greet my pastor. That's all I need to do. This is ridiculous. There is no reason for me not to just do it.
I have been putting in contact paper on kitchen shelves and removing caulk in the bathrooms. Interesting. I have been listening to Bishop Morton, Let It Rain CD. Very Interesting.
I've been thinking, in the prodigal son, the one thing that always sticks with me is the fact that the son who stayed, when he asked why didnt I get a fatted calf he was told you could have it anytime you wanted it. He stayed, he put the log on the fire, he worked the fields, he was faithful, was he ever rewarded or was his reward knowing that he was with God all the time? That is a good and just reward, but did he know that? Was his flesh talking with jealousy and envy? We never know what happened. Just wondering...
OK countdown one hour and twenty five minutes. I cant wait for this to be over.
Good Morning, Good Morning, Good Morning!!!!!
This is the day that the lord has made, Let us rejoice and be glad in it.
Today is the inspection. I am so ready for it to be over.
I found Hannah in the bible, 1Samuel Chapter 1.
It was refreshing to read it, I read the King James version as well as the NIV.
I think I find it hard to believe in the vision God has for me. But believe I must. I have to live like the dream is here and real. I keep searching for why, when, how. God constantly just tells me to trust him. Let go and stay focused on him. Moments when I do let go and just say, "OK God, take over" (and I truly mean it) then he does and the world is not so bad. I need more of those moments. I pray that God will hear my prayers from the heart and know that I love him. I spent a lot of time in quiet meditation on and about God yesterday. I asked God to help me walk this walk, help me to not say things to hurt you when you are truly trying to help me. I asked God to let me think before I speak. Maybe that's why my tongue is tied. But I asked God to show me what to do, and that was to love you. Not care what anyone thinks and says, just love you. Hmmm. How do I do that? Continue to believe in you. Really believe in you. Let no one influence me about you and me. Know that I know what I know about this relationship. Be a friend and partner to you. I'm going to try this.
OK, back on the road again.
Hugs and kisses to you, my friend. See you this evening. I will be picking up my dish from the rectory around 6pm.
Good Morning!
I'm at my father's house. I am trying to help him with his inspection. He cancelled it from last week and rescheduled it for this week. I am ready to be done with this inspection. My daughter is helping me and her attitude alone is enough
Well, I got some stuff off my chest yesterday. Just know that this is very hard for me.
I comb my hair back to get it off my face, my skin is very sensitive and I am trying to reduce breakout. Then you talk about my hair style. I have a high forehead and I know it, I'm sensitive about that, I'm just too sensitive about myself. I'm too sensitive.
I think that one of these times you will say, enough, no more, I can't handle this, I don't want to be involved with this stuff, I'm out of here.
That's where I trying to believe that that won't happen. How do I do that? I try to believe and know that a commitment is made and that trust can be put in you. How do I do that? By trying to understand the meaning, the cost and the responsibility of trust.
I am listening to yesterday's sermon, when I finish I will have something else to say.
I wonder why God wants me to write in this journal? Is it so you and I can create a level of intimacy even thought we are away from each other? Is it so I can tell you what I think and do so you can know me and what I like and dislike? Is is so you can help me refine and repair myself? I hope its all of the above.
I sometimes feel like a lady in a magic act. I'm the woman strapped to the spinning wheel and daggers are being thrown at me. You never hit me with the dagger but you come very close and the crowd just keeps clapping and cheering you on the keep going. I'm scared as heck about what's going to happen but you say "trust me".God is guiding the knives and they never maim, just get very close. God wants me to trust. Yes, its going to get very scary but just trust in me, trust in him. I think he wants me to know that it really is just me, you and him. Don't let anyone else in this relationship. Don't let others influence me or tell me what's going on between you and me. I KNOW YOU CARE AND THAT THIS IS REAL.
I often wonder if there is ever a level within me that you find pleasing? I often feel like you are judging me all the time. But I know that God wants me to be strong, I have to be able to take the good with the bad. I know that you are telling me things that are true and I need to hear them. I need to do the right thing and I ask you constantly for the truth and would be dissappointed if you did otherwise.
I know its selfish of me to want to know something about the future plans, I have to make up stories to my self. I know how Noah felt. You know that the dream is coming true someday but the people you have told about it are all too ready to knock that dream down and you don't tell anyone else about your dream. The one you have told never forgets that they know. You just keep plugging along, not knowing what or when or if, but you know it will. Faith keeps you going.
Am I engaged? Can my heart believe in the promise? Do I find solace in knowing that you care? Is that enough? Am I selfish for wanting more? Can I be patient and let the miracle happen? Will I really be happy? Will you be happy?
I miss you when I don't send a message everyday. I wake up at three in the morning wanting to send a message. I think about whether you wonder what I'm doing or what is going on in my life. Then I try to send something that is not depressing and is uplifting. What was that pat on the shoulder about? I know that wasn't for me. You just must have been tired. That's what I'm going to say anyway. I wonder...
Joy rises in me like a summer's morn. - Samuel Taylor Coleridge
My theory is to enjoy life, but the practice is against it. - Charles Lamb
Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. - Psalms 30:5
A joy that is shared is a joy made double. - John Ray
Ocassionally in life there are those moments of unutterable fulfillment which cannot be completely explained by those symbols called words. Their meanings can only be articulated by the inaudible language of the heart. - Martin Luther King, Jr.
But let judgment run down as waters, and righteousness as a mighty
stream.-Amos 5:24
I'm making Pot Roast and Vegetables. Its done with lean beef, fresh vegetables, and low sodium.The highest amout of fat is the 7grams in the beef. It's not ready yet so I'm bringing cookies in instead. I will have my daughter bring the roast in later, I have to work this evening and I have to leave for a 12 noon appointment.
I ask God to tell me what to do and he continues to say trust him. Just trust him. I ask how to do that and he says just do what you know how to do. I know how to cook and I know how to read and get information. I am cooking stuff for you because that's what I know how to do. I don't know what else to do. I just keep trying to do stuff and pray that I am doing the right thing. I know how to study and get good grades. It doesnt come easy for me and I find it to be a challenge all the times. I don't mean to come of snooty or too academic. I only know how to do what I know to do. I trying to learn. When I get a good grade I like to let others know, I havent always gotten good grades but when I try and put lots of effort into it then usually I am successful. If I come off too proper its only because that's what I know. I was taught at a young age, charm school, ettiquette classes, cottillions and tea parties. I know only what I was taught, I'm trying to learn different. So if I come off as too hung up on what others think or what I think is the right way to do something I am just falling back on what I was taught. I'm trying not to care.
Be anxious for nothing. That's in the bible somewhere too. This morning was crazy but I have paid my mortgage and that in it self was such a relief. Bills paid and up to date. Thank you God.
This afternoon lunch at Red Lobster and off to the Field Museum for a lecture in the evening. I'm spending the day with my mom. Pray that I survive.
I encourage you to continue with your signs of encouragement and reflection. When you do the little things (speak to me, look at me, etc) it helps. Thank you.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. and those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified."
Romans 8:28-30
"Of what value is an idol. since a man has carved it? Or an image that teaches lies? For he who makes it trusts in his own creation; he makes idols that cannot speak. Woe to him who says to wood, 'Come to life!' Or to lifeless stone, 'Wake up!' Can it give guidance? It is covered with gold and silver; there is no breath in it. But the Lord is in his holy temple; let all the earth be silent before him."
Habakkuk 2:18-20
Trust God by faith, he is faithful and his grace is sufficient.
Trust God by his character, his word is true.
Trust God because he is God and he can do all things.
Trust God.
Good Morning Dear,
I have decided that you will have two jobs in my life. You will be my anchor and my captain. Now before you say "let God be you captain" I want you to know that I think of God as my creator, my architect, my sculptor, my designer, the author and finisher of my life, to reduce him to only the captain of my ship (whether air or sea) reduces his authority in my life. You can have that job. You can direct my course, you can give me guidance, you can ensure that I am following the ways of my Lord, My God. Now it doesn't mean that I have no responsibilities. I have to ensure that I follow and search for the truth. I hope to be an inspiration for you and a comfort for you. My wish is that we can complement one another. I will be good for you and you will be good for me. With God's guidance and help this is possible.
My day is busy, I am at my Dad's cleaning for a city inspection tomorrow. Then I work for two hours, then I'm at the elder's village for the unity meeting. I like to keep you informed. Sorry I was late for church, my daughter was leaving for Champaign and the people taking her back were negligent but all went well.
My love, my love, I don't have joyful as a choice for my mood or else I would use it. So I will now use hopeful to represent joyful.
I am joyful. I am very joyful. I am so joyful. I just have this wonderful feeling that everything is going to be alright. I know it will. When I think about God's goodness over the years I can't help but smile and say ..yea, you were there God...When I think about my past, I remember that you have been in it for the past ten years. Whether I knew what I felt or not, you were a part of it. Ten years is a long time. It's probably more than that but that's when I can truly say I began to come to this church on a regular basis.
I read the bible every day. Thanks for Romans 8.I will try to pay more attention to where things are. I just love the word and the word loves me. I think God has a plan and I'm not in on the details so I have to just sit back and enjoy the ride.
I just didnt think it was a good idea to have you over yet. One day but not yet.
I will be bringing you something with beef on Thursday. I'm havent decided what yet.
I will let you know how the picture turned out. I may need another one, I think there's too much shine on my face.
I'm giving the practice test now, dear, so I have to go but I just wanted to say, what a beautiful, inspirational, sermon today.
Oh My Love
My Sweetheart
My Honeybunch,
My Angel Muffin Cake,
My Darling,
My terms of endearment were removed from my journal for a time. I don't know if you missed them but I missed them. I was trying to see if I was able to make an impact without them and I found that I wanted to say them, to use them, to include them.
All things work together for the good of those that love the Lord. (The Bible)
I don't even know where that is in the bible.
I need my anchor to tell me. There is so much I don't know.
I must have faith that these things are working together for me because I am one who loves the Lord. I'm not perfect but I do know that I love the Lord. I believe that you love the Lord so that would mean that all things are working together for us.
Yes, darling, all things are working together for us.
See you tomorrow.
I ask God to firmly anchor my soul with hope in Christ.
Hebrews 7:2-3 -" ...his name means "king of righteousness"; then also, "king of Salem" means "king of peace." Without father or mother, without genealogy, without beginning of days or end of life, like the Son of God he remains a priest forever."
You always make me feel strong. You have touched the lives of so many people and they truly love you. You are wonderful. Your heart is good and pure. You are no respector of persons or things. I thank God that you are in my life. I am thankful this year that compared to last year, I know that you know that I have feelings for you and you have feelings for me. I didnt know that last year at this time. I am also thankful that I started this journal. The journey was rough but the rewards along the way have be good. Knowing that you know that I know that you know that was good (figure that out!)
I thank God for all the blessings this year and look forward to a soulful, sentimental and thoughtful Advent season. I ask God to firmly anchor my soul with hope in Christ and guide me through the Advent season.
Let America Be America Again
Langston Hughes 
Let America be America again. Let it be the dream it used to be. Let it be the pioneer on the plain Seeking a home where he himself is free. (America never was America to me.) Let America be the dream the dreamers dreamed-- Let it be that great strong land of love Where never kings connive nor tyrants scheme That any man be crushed by one above. (It never was America to me.) O, let my land be a land where Liberty Is crowned with no false patriotic wreath, But opportunity is real, and life is free, Equality is in the air we breathe. (There's never been equality for me, Nor freedom in this "homeland of the free.") Say, who are you that mumbles in the dark? And who are you that draws your veil across the stars? I am the poor white, fooled and pushed apart, I am the Negro bearing slavery's scars. I am the red man driven from the land, I am the immigrant clutching the hope I seek-- And finding only the same old stupid plan Of dog eat dog, of mighty crush the weak. I am the young man, full of strength and hope, Tangled in that ancient endless chain Of profit, power, gain, of grab the land! Of grab the gold! Of grab the ways of satisfying need! Of work the men! Of take the pay! Of owning everything for one's own greed! I am the farmer, bondsman to the soil. I am the worker sold to the machine. I am the Negro, servant to you all. I am the people, humble, hungry, mean-- Hungry yet today despite the dream. Beaten yet today--O, Pioneers! I am the man who never got ahead, The poorest worker bartered through the years. Yet I'm the one who dreamt our basic dream In the Old World while still a serf of kings, Who dreamt a dream so strong, so brave, so true, That even yet its mighty daring sings In every brick and stone, in every furrow turned That's made America the land it has become. O, I'm the man who sailed those early seas In search of what I meant to be my home-- For I'm the one who left dark Ireland's shore, And Poland's plain, and England's grassy lea, And torn from Black Africa's strand I came To build a "homeland of the free." The free? Who said the free? Not me? Surely not me? The millions on relief today? The millions shot down when we strike? The millions who have nothing for our pay? For all the dreams we've dreamed And all the songs we've sung And all the hopes we've held And all the flags we've hung, The millions who have nothing for our pay-- Except the dream that's almost dead today. O, let America be America again-- The land that never has been yet-- And yet must be--the land where every man is free. The land that's mine--the poor man's, Indian's, Negro's, ME-- Who made America, Whose sweat and blood, whose faith and pain, Whose hand at the foundry, whose plow in the rain, Must bring back our mighty dream again. Sure, call me any ugly name you choose-- The steel of freedom does not stain. From those who live like leeches on the people's lives, We must take back our land again, America! O, yes, I say it plain, America never was America to me, And yet I swear this oath-- America will be! Out of the rack and ruin of our gangster death, The rape and rot of graft, and stealth, and lies, We, the people, must redeem The land, the mines, the plants, the rivers. The mountains and the endless plain-- All, all the stretch of these great green states-- And make America again!
From The Collected Poems of Langston Hughes, published by Alfred A. Knopf,
Don't worry that I am about to open up old wounds and become a nut case. I know from the previous entries you probably are ready to sign the commitment papers or at least begin a strong prescription of anti depressentants.
I'm stronger than you think. While this reflects a softer side of me I am pretty tough. I try to be a winner at what I attempt and I am attempting something now. My goal is to win. I love competition and I am a fierce competitor.
I dont have old love letters or wonder what Boo is doing now. I dont have old jewelry, letters or anything else. I actually got rid of all that stuff. I moved on. I wonder if people still ask their pastor over for dinner?
Moving forward is my goal
I don't watch Desperate Housewives, never have
I am trying to find out what is binding me and put it to rest once and for all
I don't want to rehash anything that is useless and annoying, I want to move on in my life.
I thought you were an anchor while I was going through student teaching and I made it through, its over now.
I want to put the past to rest.
I havent given up on you , don't give up on me.
Life is so funny.
I was at the church on 41st and King Drive today trying to sell cookbooks at this author's luncheon and the only person to buy a cookbook was the pastor. He had only arrived five minutes after I had, I was late because I had to work today and didnt get there until 2:45p. He listened to me go on about the our church and the cookbook and when I was over he told me to tell you directly" not to come into his church selling your cookbooks" He then proceeded to purchase one and tell me how you were part of his son's wedding or something. I am to give the check directly to you. He was very nice and he said that you two were best of friends. I told him you were speaking somewhere in Oak Brook today and I would give you the message tomorrow. That church was the same church of my mother's dear friend who I called Aunt Lou. She died suddenly in 1972. One of the ladies at the church remembered her. My mother knows the pastor. I am trying to help with the selling of the cookbooks because our own congregation of over 1200 won't purchase the 400 books we brought. Less than one fourth of our own congregation won't buy the books. This just doesn't seem right.
I have listened to some of Bishop Morton and I enjoyed it. I look forward to seeing you tomorrow.
These are the questions that are on my mind now?
What is my relationship with God now?
When I ask him to guide me and take over in my life, how do I know how to follow the signs that he may show me?
What am I looking for in this relationship now? What are the qualities, gifts, and behaviors that I want more of? What qualities, gifts, and behaviors do I want less of? What do I want more of the same in those areas?
What is energizing and giving me life in this relationship?
What is siphoning off my energy in this relationship?
What is God focused in this relationship?
When I ask God to direct me in this relationship do I listen to the ques and directions he gives me?
To listen to God I must feel to the very best of my knowledge and ability that this is what God wants for me.
What has been consistent in this relationship? What changes all the time?
My "Interior Freedom" how will I define that and execute it?
Luke 23
The crippled woman. Who are the people, places and things that bend me over and cripple me? Who are the people, places and things that give me courage to stand tall? Being a fair witness, looking objectively at my life and making some assessments.
My first thoughts after reading the entire chapter twice.
Jesus is preaching in a synagogue for the last time. She attends, she doesn't cry out, he sees her, he heals her. She was crippled by a spirit. Eighteen years (I am at 17 years since my divorce and I have not had a stable lasting relationship).
Jesus puts his hand on her. First, he saw her, then he called her forward, next he said to her" woman, you are set free from your infirmity", next, he puts his hands on her, finally, immediately she straightened up and praised GOD.
Thoughts of what's before this event and what's after this event:
Before- Unless you repent you too will perish. This is what Jesus is preaching to them in the synagogue. He tells them about Eighteen who die at tower in Siloam. Jesus tells a parable of a man who had a fig tree planted in his vineyard. He went to look for fruit but found none. He said to cut it down but the one tending the vineyard said, let me have one more year and I will dig around it and fertilize it. If it bears fruit next year fine if not then cut it down. Then it switches to the woman bent over for Eighteen years.
After - Members of the synagogue are indignant that Jesus heals the woman on the Sabbath. They suggest people come to be healed the other six days of the week, not on the sabbath. Jesus is indignant, Calls them hyopcrites. Gives them an example where each of them is doing some act of work on the sabbath. Expresses to each of them that she is a daughter of Abraham whom satan has kept bound for eighteen years. When he said this all of his opponents were humilated, but the people were delighted with all the wonderful things Jesus was doing.
This is as far as I have gotten.
I am reading that to help me find out some answers. I will try to decide what things, places and people help me and what things, palces and people hurt me.
I have to go to work now.
I wont totally stop the journal because I find relief in it and hope that you enjoy reading it also.
I will put in a long entry later this evening.
I was told today by a family member, one who I chose to talk about this situation with that I had an unhealthy obsession and I should try a relationship with someone who I have a chance with.
I have told no one else about my feelings.
I wonder if I am reluctant to talk because it that would make this more real and maybe I am avoiding commitment. I don't know. I say I want to talk, I tell myself I want to talk, when I'm in your presence I'm happy, so what's the problem.
I'm hoping spiritual direction can get me on the right track.
I'm working on trying to pop my kernel. I can't believe I am having this problem.
I will be at St. Sabina tomorrow to give the sixth graders a treat. I will bring you some brownies.
I will be in on Thurs to talk about spiritual direction, how to trust with Sr Debbie.
I'm not saying much. Maybe if I keep it in, then I will want to say it.
Communication goes through six different layers (so the experts say)
1) What you mean to say
2) What you actually say
3) What the other person hears
4) what the other person thinks he hears
5) What the other person says about what you said
6) What you think the other person said about what you said
Build TRUST
T- Truthfulness - Leviticus 19:11 "Do not lie"
R- Respect - 1 Peter 2:17 "Show proper respect to everyone."
U- Understanding - Romans 12:15 "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn."
S- Small things - Luke 16:10 "Unless you're faithful in small matters you won't be faithful in large ones. If you cheat even a little you won't be honest with greater responsibilities. Treat a trust with faithfulness.
T- Time- 1 Thessalonians 5:14 "Be patient with everyone" 1 Corinthians 13 "Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance." Psalm 145 " The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made."
Development of Trust
four stages
1) Openess and Validation - willingness to honestly self disclose
2) Respect - trust through mutual respect. Know and respect each others boundaries and limits.
3) Acceptance and Letting go of the need to control - learn reasonable expectations.
4) Consistency and Sacrafice - trust is deepened by a demonstrated commitment. Signs of commitment: a) consistency (being reliable) b) sacrafice (efforts that are made at a cost)
Learning to trust in a new relationship when you have been burned in the past requires good self- esteem, reduction of fear, commitment to relationship and reduction of doubt.
Needs of a woman:
1) affection 2) understanding 3) respect
Needs of a man:
1) appreciation 2) acceptance 3) trust
Continue to tell me the truth.
I'm bringing my camera to church today.
I will be taking pictures of my church family and I especially want a picture of you and me. I will ask someone to take a picture of us as I pass through the line. I hope you have time for the line today. I know you have to leave for Indianapolis. OH, pressure, pressure. Maybe I should try next week. I don't want you to be late. I have to be gone by 3pm. The people will definately be excited to have you back preaching again. Let's just play it by ear. I will have it if there is time fine if not then I will do it next week. I have favor this morning. I don't have to take my daughter to work so I am my only obstacle to getting to the church on time. I going to start getting ready now. Take Care and see you soon.
"On our knees we are the most powerful force on earth." - Billy Graham
"...pray continually..." 1 Thessalonians 5:17
I am so sorry that I missed. you.
I was with the Communication sisters and we had to go downtown to pickup one of their friends. When we returned, I heard you had been there. They said you were going to return so I stayed much longer than I needed hoping that you might return. I know you are busy. Indianapolis tomorrow. Oak Brook next week.
My goal is to get to church by 10:45am. I want my seat up front. I want to be close to you. You said "Hello Judi" You called me by name.
"Only God can fully satisfy the hungry hear of man."-Hugh Black
"As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God..." Psalm 42:1
Child of God
"If nothing seems to go my way today, this is my happiness;
God is my Father and I am his child."- Basilea Schlink
"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!..." 1 John 3:1
I so needed to hear from you. Thank You.
Today was a good day. It was a good evening.
It began with love from the sixth graders. Lots of notes of love.
I was found guilty in court (I knew it was slim). I have a $75 fine. I accept it.
Then I came home and took a nap.
Then I went to church.
I'm O.K.
Tomorrow I will be there for report card pickup.
Then over to the elders village for Bea's party later.
I need to heard your words. The truth is the truth. Say it, tell me. I need the truth from you. I have always been able to depend on you to tell me the truth, don't stop now. I want to know what you think. My soul yearns for your words. Tell me.
OK, early morning tomorrow, long day, time to go to bed.
Good Night.
Today is Veteran's Day. I'm a veteran. U.S. Navy.
One more day. Today I taught the children how to look through the microscope today. You need a science lab. I hope you put that on your list of things for the school. Our bread mold experiment went very well. The bread was very moldy. It turned geen, yellow and black. It was great. I'm making brownies for the kids (fresh) tonight. I have to grade the reading test also.
Tomorrow is my court date. I'll be leaving the school around 11:45. I have to be in court at 1:00. Its in Downers Grove.
I'm going to the choir presentation on tomorrow night.
I hope to see you there.
I liked your plant, it looked like a branch of peace that a dove would bring.
Like a peace offering.
It was very peaceful, I like it.
You had my keys. I only have one key on my ring. I use the garage door opener to get in and out of the house. We have an alarm system so its just a code. I thought about the fact that I didn't even have a house key on my ring, but I had all those useless key rings. My children put most of those on there. The one with my name (which isn't spelled right because I spell my name Judi, is from Lizzie when she went there on spring break last year) I have cleaned up my ring and I only have the car key and alarm(which doesnt work, needs a new battery), and my IBM pen. I understand its not good for my ignition to weigh it down with different rings. You know I have been thinking about what I said in my journal and then the fact that you choose not to preach. It seems we can't seem to say anything to each other that doesn't affect or hurt the other. We must find a way to communicate without hurting each others feelings. I refuse to give up trying. I think this can work. We just have to find the right way.The right words will come. Its not every thing we say its just some things. Either I say something or you say something. We have to get this together and move on.
Trust
"Trusting God sometimes means learning to rest in His silence."- Cynthia Heald
"Be still, and know that I am God..." Psalm 46:10
"Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God." Romans 15:7
Fear
"Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to an all-knowing God." -Martin Luther
"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you." Psalm 32:8
Hope
"How often we look upon God as our last and feeblest resource! We go to Him because we have nowhere else to go. And then we learn that the storms of life have deriven us, not upon the rocks, but into the desired heavens."-George MacDonald
"...the Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer...in whom I take refuge..." 2 Samuel 22:2-3
OK
This was different.
What to think, I don't know.
I felt some messages, there was eye contact.
You looked well rested and happy.
Let's see where this is going.
Very interesting evening. Lots to think about.
So now I won't hear from you until Sunday, and what will you say, I wonder.
I got an A in both my classes. I am so glad its over.
I just have to finish out the week.
Good Night.
Harmony
"The secret of harmony in a family is each of the members wanting God's will for the others instead of having their own way."- Evelyn Christenson
"Finally, all of you , live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble." - 1Peter 3:8
I am sure that reading my entries gives you many mixed emotions. I sound like a child with only wispy dreams of a fairy tale relationship and hollywoodesque relationships. I am not. I know the reality of this situation.
I have more years behind me then ahead of me. Neither of us know the day nor the time that the Lord our God will call upon us. We can plan for the future all we want but when he calls we must answer. This could truly be the last entry I ever write. I don't know what will happen when I walk out my fron door. What I do know is that I will always try for love and comfort in my entries.
What I do know is that God has seen fit to allow me to meet you and have feelings for you. If the passion and thoughts in my journal frighten you, I'm sorry. This is my journal. You are in my journal. When I think about it I didnt invite you in and I am sure you can choose not to read this whenever you want. This is the only means of communication that I have with you and I must say it has been a struggle for me to continue on with it. I know that every thought, word, sentence, picture is up for review and discussion. Yet I continue.
When your read this you are reading a one dimensional view of me. You must remember that I am a multi faceted person, I am more than this journal. I also know that I am constantly challenged by my family and friends. I continue on even when our views clash.
I think I find it difficult to talk to you after mass because that is a time when I am reflective of the sermon, I have no business with you, I'm not on your staff so there isn't even a question relating to work that we can discuss. I can only say, have a blessed week, good sermon, or just take care. I will not ask you about my journal now expect you to give comment on it. We exist in this relationship because God for whatever reason has seen fit to have it exist. Take or leave it.
I'm off to school/work. Have a blessed day and I look forward to seeing you this evening.
Tuesday, November 9, 2004
5pm until 6:30pm
I will leave around 6pm so that I will be on time for bible study.
I will probably have to sit in the back when I get there..
Here I am to Worship
Light of the World
You stepped down into darkness
Opened my eyes and let me see
Beauty that made this heart adore you
Hope of a life spent with you
Here I am to worship
Here I am to bow down
Here I am to say that you you're my God
You're all together lovely
All together worthy
All together wonderful to me!
-Tim Hughes
I love it, its beautiful and it reminds me of you. Morning Glory 2004. You will be home soon. I'm excited.
That according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power. - Ephesians 3:16
Strengthen me Oh Lord, strengthen my soul and renew my inner strength. Allow me to act on faith and know that your word is my strength. Allow me to act on faith when I come up against life's circumstances. Let your word be the meat of my existence. When I think about the things going on in my life it just lets me know that something good is in store for me because I am a child of God and ..
On the day I called, you answered me; my strength of soul you increased.-Psalm138:3
Sweetheart, I was here earlier.
I had a great entry about my day today and my thoughts on the election.
I found two wonderful pictures that I was going to include. It was going to be great.
Then my computer froze, and I lost everything. I was tired and I went to bed. Only to be awaken early in the A.M. (zero dark thirty), with an unquenchable thirst to add something to my journal. This is date night. If I don't add anything all week, I have to add something on date night. I guess this was the equivalent of "I had car trouble and that's why I'm late." I am always saying that there is no excuse for not doing what needs to be done. I say that we do that which is important to use so there is not a reason in the world why somethings can't be done. Now I am a victim of my own decree. I was tired and instead of immediately sitting down and rewriting the journal, I went to bed. I made a choice. I think it was better for me to be rested and in a better mood because I might have said something unnecessary because I was upset from losing all of my previous information. Now is a good time. I'm rested and reflective. I won't be here long though, its 3:30am.
I just watched a National Geographic special on the Great Bears in the Pacific RainForest. Included was the great white bear or spirit bear. I was reading a great book to the kids called "Touching Spirit Bear" and it included the great white spirit bear. I didnt get to finish the book with them, because we had to move on to another novel, "Esperanza Rising", but I encouraged them to locate the book on their own and complete it. I like that book alot.
Today was my last University supervisor observation. I was told that I am ready for recommendation for certification. Yeah!!!!!
Next week is my last week. Happy and sad. I have grown very attached to that bunch of sixth graders.
I won't miss the drive and 5am wake ups.
Thank you for having a school that I could attend.
I saw Imani today. I was waiting for my children to return from gym and she was in the playground playing. I know she misses you but not as much as I do.
You will be home soon. Yeah!!! I hope you had a restful vacation.
Tomorrow I will work in the A.M. and then go over my dad's house.
Well my love, Be blessed and be a blessing to someone.
Jesus loves me, oh yes he does.
Jesus loves me, oh yes he does.
Jesus loves me, oh yes he does, for the bible tells me so. (Bodyguard soundtrack, Whitney Huston)
Freedom is not merely a word or an abstract theory, but the most effective instrument for advancing the welfare of man. (John F. Kennedy)
Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves, and, under a just God cannot long retain it. (Abraham Lincoln)
The people who settled in New England came here for religious freedom, but religious freedom to them meant freedom only for their kind of religion...This attitude seems to be our attitude in many situations. (Eleanor Roosevelt)
Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom, must, like men, undergo the fatigues of supporting it. (Thomas Paine)
Yes we can maintain a free society only if we recognize that in a free society no one can win all the time. No one can have his own way all the time, and no one is right all the time. (Richard M. Nixon)
A hungry man is not a free man. (Adlai E. Stevenson)
Freedom from fear and injustice and oppression will be ours only in the measure that men who value such freedom are ready to sustain its possession- (Dwight D. Eisenhower)
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. (Attributed to Voltaire)
Is this girl always crying the blues over something?
I didnt have these problems until this year.
I think we may have a possible source for help.
I don't know if it will help but its an option.
I will continue to put my trust in my Lord Jesus Christ.
I know that it can go either way so I will try to believe in the good happening.
The mass went well today. We did a good job.
I hope you are enjoying your vacation and not stressing too much.
I will vote in the morning before I come into the city.
My mother has kicked me in the butt and told me to stop being depressed and disgusted. She said that she couldnt stand seeing me moping around and not saying one encouraging word to her. She was used to me being encouraging and uplifting when things go wrong. She couldnt stand seeing me down and discouraged. She said she needed me to have a more positive outlook and remember that it aint ove until God says its over.
That helped me to pull my head out of the sand and stop feeling sorry for myself. I was so overwhelmed with the student teaching, the bills, and just general stuff that I forgot to encourage myself. I was happy to know that I had been an encouragement to her in the past and I would continue to remember to encourage no matter what the circumstance. I know that God has a plan for me and I have not heard the last from him.
When I was driving into church today in my car I was discouraged. I was mad at God for not opening any doors and I just couldnt see a light. My spirit said to me quote a bible verse. I thought, I dont know any verses by heart. My spirit said again go to the word, quote a verse, so I thought and all I could remember was "raise a child up in the way they should go, and when they get old they wont depart from it" even that wasnt exactly right. Then my spirit said try another, I thought, I dont know another. It said, try again, so I thought, "Now, faith is the substance of things hoped for the evidence of things not seen." The it said try again, so I thought, "In the beginning was the word and the word was God." I repeated just those three verses over and over in my head on the way to church and my spirit was lifted. Sometimes we have to encourage ourselves. All is not lost and I am not giving up yet.
I am encouraged.
As this horrible scenario is playing out in my life I think tht the people around me have mixed feelings.
My mother thinks that I would rather stay with my father than her and that I dont care what happens to the house, I have someplace to go.
My brother thinks tht we have led him astry and now he's going to be homeless because he refuses to move into the empty apartment that my father has, along with my mother she refuses also.
My daughter is quiet but wants to stay in her own home and tries to help by donating her small paychecks to the household budget.
My father, he says the only way he can help is by allowing the five of us to share his three bedroom apartment and basement. He wants someone with him now that he is older and needs someone so hes not going to help to keep us in our own home because its to his advantage to have us near him now. He's burning food on the stove and generally needs someone there everyday for one thing or another.
And You, I think that you might secretly think this is a way of moving me closer to you in the city, I am in a transitionaly state and not connected so I am eaiser to be uprooted when the time comes.
And Me, I think that the method that is being played out is outrageous. I dont want to have resentment built up due to losing my home in such a harsh manner. I cant understand why God doesnt want any door to open for us. We have tried many, many, many different options. Not one is available. Must I be crushed to live again. Can I withstand being crushed? Will I come out of this scarred and broken? Does it have to be this way? We keep trying to find a way to make this work. So many lives are affected. Who's interest will succeed. What's the bottom line that I am unable to see. Is this really setting up my future and if so does it have to be this harsh?
I went to the Generation Joshua Phase II Comedy Night tonight. It was good. I needed to laugh at something. On my way home I listened to my Fleetwood Mac Rumors CD. The last song "For You" reminded me of you...."and the songbird keeps singing like they know the score, and I love you, I love you, I love you, like never before, like never before...."
We have made a major decision this week and I am trying to adjust to that. We have decided to sell before foreclosure. Things havent been going well and thats what we have decided to do. It's a hard decision and it weighs heavy on my mind and my heart. I have put a lot of money into this house and the thought of losing it has made it difficult to focus. I am hoping that we are able to sell it and move on.
I know you knew something was going on because I wasnt talking much. I just dont want you to be concerned while you are on vacation. I dont know what else to say. I am going to bed. Take Care and have a good night. I love you.
Happy Date Night. Enjoy your vacation. You will not have anything to worry about from me. I will not have one complaint or worry for you from me. I want you to relax. Enjoy your vacation. Go to the whirlpool, or hot tub. Get a massage. Visit someplace you havent visited before. Be a tourist for a day. Relax. Listen to some soft music.
