Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Come on home

Itys time to come on home. I think that when you have been gone for so long that you know when enough is enough,  Come to your senses

Come back home.

OK

 

 

Sunday, April 27, 2008

You will and have done a lot of traveling. Try to remember that the weather is not the best so you may have some delays. Try to pace yourself and not get too angry with the wait times. Know that there will be delays. You know you are not the most patient of people. Ask God what you need to know in this situation. Who can you help, what can you do to make the time more pleasant, remember you arent the only one having a bad day while traveling. I am praying that you have a very uneventful flight and that you are where you need to be on time and that you are able to arrive home on time. I dont want any mishaps.

Sometimes you get a very unpleasant surprise and you have to hande it with tact.

Thank You God

Thank You God for the gifts of people and resources that you have put in my life to help me strengthen my faith.

Thank you for allowing me to be restless with the things that I say that are wrong. I had just a lot of unrest with the whole "poor white trash" thing. I don't think I quite knew how it was hurtful. I think like Barack, who said poor people hold on to the things that make them comfortable, guns and religion, I have stereotyped people. I want to clear that up now. I feel people have been labeled for too long. This election is all about labels. ?The first woman, the first black. We have got to see people as they are, human beings that need love and comfort. We have to recognize the violence in our streets is reflective of the constant divisiveness that we are taught to embrace. Help Lord. Help us to use our skills to recognize when we are dividing ourselves and give us the focus of coming together. We have a lot of poor and we cannot isolate them. I know poor, I am one. I can feel our pain. We don't need false prophets giving false hope. The thought of what is happening in this election is one of false hope. One candidate offers hope, another feeds on peoples weaknesses.

Jeremiah 28- Two prophets, one false, one real. One true message for the people, whether good or bad, God is supreme.

Thank you God for allowing me to wrestle with this.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Hello

Well I got my ellipitical machine together now and I used it today for the first time. It was a birthday present and I am so glad I have finally gotten it put together. Now I just have to use it everyday. Weight Watchers continues to inspire and encourage me.

The presidential race has taken an interesting turn. Hill and Bill have taken the obvious route to the white house.  Let's appeal to the poor white trash. Let's put up our banner of whiteness and run with this trailer park, beer swilling, wrestling, and country music mentality. That's all we need to win the white house. It is such a manipulation. I would hope that the blacks who thought that Bill was their man and all for the black people are able to see his true colors. That does reflect back to Hill.

Barack has his problems. The pastor story needs to end. Enough has been said on that note. He doesnt need to bring that up again. He has got to win again to stay successful. No matter what he is the first true contender of color for the white house.

We may get air conditioning in our building at school. That will be so good if it comes true. We start back August 4th so you know it will still be hot and we will have many hot days to go. I might get a lab too. We'll just wait until that happens.

Well its time to say goodnight. Be blessed and be a blessing to someone special.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Thank you Lord for all that you have done for me. I LOVE YOU LORD.

My day was good, I saw Mack and he did a wonderful job of the poetry reading. We were so pleased with the whole event. We had three poets scheduled, only two showed up and we were lucky that Mack was one of them. He was the best thing we had going today. I took pictures and was so proud and pleased to see him.

 

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Hi

I heard you tonight when I was on my way home from class. I usually put in a cd or listen to V103. Today I listened to V103. I think you are doing what is truly necessary to help our children. Continue to increase awareness by calling on the people concerned to take responsibility for their actions.

Students have to realize that reading at two and three grade levels below their expected reading level is not good. Processing skills are lacking and the behavior really becomes that of a third grader. I pray that we can stop this wild west behavior. How did they tame the wild west? Why are we sacrificing our children to the point that we as adults have just said there is nothing we can do. I don't believe that. We have to wake up and take back our children. They are worth it and they need to know that we believe they are worth it. They have to believe they are worth it. Improve the reading levels and improve the math levels. When you have eighth graders that are reading at an average of a fifth grade level that's not good. Math skills are between a third through fifth grade level that is not good. They need to know they cant function in life like that and the parents need to suck up their pride and admit to their child that their reading and math isn't much better. This is unacceptable. We gloss over the reading and math levels and think that they can process adult problems and handle the higher order thinking skills that are required to function. "They Can't"

I'm saying good night ant thank you. I am really a very lucky woman. I wondered what he wrote on that paper to have you look at me like that but then I realized that what ever it was it made you wonder. , did she really, did you really say that, I pray that it was something good. Something that you really wanted and that it was not something too absurd,. Well good night and be blessed, I am thinking of you and know that you are wonderful.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

You will be very pleased to know that I have my first therapy appointment on May 1st at 4:30. I excited about this. I believe its a step forward.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Time

One thing I will o is spend les time going over what I say in this journal. Sometimes the best response is when it is spontaneous. I  am going to be more spontaneous.

Today I was so tired. It is near the end of school, the weather is warm and the children are not thinking about school. We are now on track e so they will come back  Aug 5th instead of September. I am so planning my trip for Hawaii in September and October. I cant believe how excited I am just to be going somewhere far, far. away.

I have to go pick up Anna now and take daddy to get his hair cut and shave. I am taking a personal day tomorrow because we need to take care of some personal business for the building; It will probably take two days.

Take care and know that someone cares very deeply and sincerely for you. New words for a new situation.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Expectations

I am so intent on moving forward. I review and remember the fact that we have to have expectations when we go to God. We must expect to receive from our Father.

I find that I am not ready to give up in anyway. I complain that the time has been so long and that this journal writing has been over four years but yet and still I know that I do not want to lose. I don't want to just keep getting along alone. I want to live a life with you and I will not stop until that happens or something very darn close to it. I had been ready to live alone but now I demand and expect something different.

I have to get the counselor thing together. My insurance requires me to notify them first. I had picked someone before and just didn't follow through. I will follow through now. I will do what I have to do.

I noticed you walked down on the other side today. I notice the things that you do. I vow not to tell you that I love you, or call you my sweetheart or my darling or my love unless I do it in person. I don't want to torture you or make you feel bad in anyway. I don't want to say anything to you here that I don't say to you in person. I will only hope and pray that you know my heart. Good Night. Be blessed and be a blessing to someone special.

Friday, April 18, 2008

A Prayer of Trust

Trust is based on an emotinal attachment. This is based on a person's character, ability and truthfulness. It is an act of committing oneself to another's good intentions and care. Sometimes we have to trust and commit ourselves to someone else's care. We have to trust and be trustworthy.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

good Night

I am sorry I didn't write sooner. I don't know what else to say but I am sorry. I am sorry. I will try to do better.

I am ready for tomorrow. Thank goodness we start late. I try not to write when I am tired because I just do short concis entrie. I need to take out my contacts brush my teeth and go to bed. Good Night.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

What

I cant say anything nice

I cant say anything bad

I am not going to tell you that I cry every night because I don't know what to say. I want to talk to you and I seem to be at an impasse. I cry going home. Why? I don't want to hurt you. I am not hurting you with out hurting myself.  Am I crazy?

I was reading my journal tonight before bible study and found that I started this journal in 2004. Four years ago and I was saying the same thing then as I am saying now. Nothing has changed. Not one thing. We are no different today than where we were over four years ago. That was disheartening. Is there something that I can see, touch, identify, know that is my problem. I felt that after four years I should see some improvement. With you talking about sin and identifying it a something necessary that we have to identify and reconcile our lives with I struggle with that. I know I have sin. I just haven't identified the big sin. I don't don the obvious sin. I don't have sex now or for the past twenty years, I m not smoking anything and haven't for at least 7 years, drinking is something I still do. Not in excess, I don't think. Let me examine that more closely. Its not everyday, I'm not having more than one drink a night when I drink. What am I getting out of the drink. I thought about giving it up for my weight management. I think I might if I am wondering about it.

I need to reach out and get a handle on the problem that obviously faces me. I have one good thing and that's the fact that even though I am sad about this being over four years long, it has been over four years long and we are still trying to battle this cancer this horrible problem. I need counseling and I said I would get it but then didn't, but now I really will make the appointment. Praise the Lord, we are still struggling to make this work after four years. My God, is that dedication, can I see the commitment on my part to really wanting this to work. Can I give you what you need? Will I be able to show you the proof you need, the necessary physical evidence that will guide you and give you security? Lets ponder on that tonight. Good Night.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Hello Darling

Its always nice to have a very uneventful day. Training went well. I was tired but oh well.

I went home and then we left to visit my aunt who has now been moved to the nursing home. I braided her hair because we are so conscious about how we look. She enjoyed our visit. We stayed over an hour. Always you have to remember that you bring joy to those in the hospital, nursing homes and prison when you visit.

Then we left near 7PM and I went home to cook for my lazy family.

We are now a track e school and I plan to take a vacation in September. The last week of September and the first week of October I am going to Hawaii. Maui to be exact. You talk about how much you love I just have to check it out. I have something to look forward to for my vacation. I haven't gone on a real vacation since 2004. I am really looking forward to this,. I nee some time away.  My dad will come, maybe Anna and Austin, maybe my mom too. I don't know or care. I told them I am going with or without them.

This week will go by quickly. Mon and Tues training. Wed with the children. Thurs parents are here, Friday children again and then there is the weekend. Finally, my weekend. I get to have a Sat and Sun.

I am listening to the American Experience on Walt Whitman. I have a fondness for him since I was introduced to him in college. Leaves of Grass was the first real poem that I found interesting about the civil war. I am tired and I will go to bed now.

I love you and pray for you daily, Take care and be blessed. I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH. TAKE CARE AND BE BLESSED.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Talk To Me

Smile...though your heart is breaking....smile.....eventhough you are crying...Smile.

We have very similar and very different things going on in our lives right nwo.

I had a horrible fight in my room on Thurs, blood and all and I have to also remember the fight earlier in the week with a parent and a child in the lunchroom. I dont want to be desenthized to the violence. I am just too close to the front line.

I'm visiting my Aunt in  the hospital who fell in the shower and has three broken ribs. She's disoriented and doesnt know much right now.

Tonigh I have to take my dad to visit her. Tomorrow I have to take him to his building and pick up the mail and check things ourt.

I have training for the next two days so that's a pleasure. Anything is better than school right now.

Wednesday I have to go back and try to talk about conflict resolution, bullying, and respect for others.

I get up every morning and get on the tred mill for 20-30 minutes every day. I need that exercise.

I pray that I can stop doing what I have been doing, which is nothing, and begin to do something.

I pray for you daily. I know your life is very complicated right now and you are praying that this is not the final watch for you and your dad. I always wanted your dad to know that you would not be alone. I wanted him to see you with someone that made you happy. I know he loves you and wants the best for you.

You believe I can do this dont you? You believe this is possible for us? I have to rely on your strength right now. Everything seems so overwhelming and busy. You said keep busy and I am busy. I just keep going on and on and on.  I question everything and wonder where this will all lead.

God says just hug him and hold on . Dont say anything jus wait. Just stand there. So that is what I will do.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

I love you

I love you I love you I love you

Be blessed today

Monday, April 7, 2008

Good Night

What was today about? Were we walking the path that God wanted us to? We were very spiritual today.

There's a hole in my soul that wont heal. I feel that. I know that hole.

I pray for you daily, throughout the day, during the night and when I wake in the morning/ There is some serious pain in your life.  Inside  in my inner being I long for you. I know that you are going through some horrible, horrible times. YOU ARE LOVED. I don't care how much hate mail, letters, comments and dirty looks you receive. I believe the devil is real, but God is greater and mightier than any devil. We will pray with out ceasing. We will keep our minds and hearts on Jesus.We will do the things necessary to please God.

You have to know that I don't give up.  Today was close but not where I want us to be. I want more. I know I  have a lot of things I am responsible for and I am very passionate about all of them.  But I can and will leave all of this. "the job, the family, anything that is standing in the way of you and me. My only goal is to have my own Trinity, YOU, ME AND GOD. I DON'T LOOK BACK AND WONDER IF I CAN LEAVE SOMETHING, I CAN AND NOT LOOK BACK.

I don't write because I am too busy, I don't write because I just don't know what to say, I feel as if I have exhausted this journal and I am just trying to reestablish the connection. I know with all of the events taking place that this is just one more problem for you. I don't want to be a problem for you. I don't want to hurt you in any way, I love you. I want you to be well and protected. I want you to feel secure and know that I will follow you anywhere and do anything for you. I say that and I know that my actions do match with my words. Why is that? I think you think I am arrogant. I pray that I am not. I want to be humble. There is so much I want to say, its in my head. When I try to put it down on paper it just doesn't seem the same.

Well good night and be blessed. Rest your mind and your body. You have a fight ahead of you.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Good Night

I often struggle with overcoming my challenges by doing something different instead of doing the same thing and getting the same results. Think of  a different way to do something that needs to be done. Watch others handle the same situation and ask for suggestions. Make the best of a situation.

Be uplifting. Be loving.

Friday, April 4, 2008

Hello Darling

I just listened to your entire interview with the O'Reilly p

eople and I am so proud of you. You kept your cool, you spoke facts and the man had to back off.

Speak the truth about what you know. You always hear people trying to martyrize Dr King. They forget that he also spoke of the racism in America and he spoke against the Vietnam war.

You are the drum major of justice. The voice that needs to be heard.

Speak the words that need to be heard. Speak the clearly, as Dr King, with calm certainty. When we yell and scream our words are not heard.

 

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

How was your Day?

How are you today?

What was your day like?

Did you have a good day? Was it productive? Did you get some things done that needed to be done? How are you today is very important to me. Some people as how we are and just really say it to make small talk. I do it too. But I really do want to know how are you today. I care about your response. I really care. I am sincere in my concern for you. I care. God hears the prayers of his people. Good Night.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

My Sin

I am humbleasI ask God to reveal the sin that so easily entangles me.

Let me not be so lustful. What is my problem. Lord let figure it out.

I dont have a beer in my, I dont like beer, Im not overconfident about anything right now. I think you are fed up with me. You are like, look, get it together. Stop this nonsense.

I promise I will not stop trying, I will succeed.

Be blessed tonight. Im tired. Good Night.

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