Sunday, October 31, 2004

Hope beyond Hope

My mother has kicked me in the butt and told me to stop being depressed and disgusted. She said that she couldnt stand seeing me moping around and not saying one encouraging word to her. She was used to me being encouraging and uplifting when things go wrong. She couldnt stand seeing me down and discouraged. She said she needed me to have a more positive outlook and remember that it aint ove until God says its over.

That helped me to pull my head out of the sand and stop feeling sorry for myself. I was so overwhelmed with the student teaching, the bills, and just general stuff that I forgot to encourage myself. I was happy to know that I had been an encouragement to her in the past and I would continue to remember to encourage no matter what the circumstance. I know that God has a plan for me and I have not heard the last from him.

When I was driving into church today in my car I was discouraged. I was mad at God for not opening any doors and I just couldnt see a light. My spirit said to me quote a bible verse. I thought, I dont know any verses by heart. My spirit said again go to the word, quote a verse, so I thought and all I could remember was "raise a child up in the way they should go, and when they get old they wont depart from it" even that wasnt exactly right. Then my spirit said try another, I thought, I dont know another. It said, try again, so I thought, "Now, faith is the substance of things hoped for the evidence of things not seen." The it said try again, so I thought, "In the beginning was the word and the word was God." I repeated just those three verses over and over in my head on the way to church and my spirit was lifted. Sometimes we have to encourage ourselves. All is not lost and I am not giving up yet.

I am encouraged.

What I think

As this horrible scenario is playing out in my life I think tht the people around me have mixed feelings.

My mother thinks that I would rather stay with my father than her and that I dont care what happens to the house, I have someplace to go.

My brother thinks tht we have led him astry and now he's going to be homeless because he refuses to move into the empty apartment that my father has, along with my mother she refuses also.

My daughter is quiet but wants to stay in her own home and tries to help by donating her small paychecks to the household budget.

My father, he says the only way he can help is by allowing the five of us to share his three bedroom apartment and basement. He wants someone with him now that he is older and needs someone so hes not going to help to keep us in our own home because its to his advantage to have us near him now. He's burning food on the stove and generally needs someone there everyday for one thing or another.

And You, I think that you might secretly think this is a way of moving me closer to you in the city, I am in a transitionaly state and not connected so I am eaiser to be uprooted when the time comes.

And Me, I think that the method that is being played out is outrageous. I dont want to have resentment built up due to losing my home in such a harsh manner. I cant understand why God doesnt want any door to open for us. We have tried many, many, many different options. Not one is available. Must I be crushed to live again. Can I withstand being crushed? Will I come out of this scarred and broken? Does it have to be this way? We keep trying to find a way to make this work. So many lives are affected. Who's interest will succeed. What's the bottom line that I am unable to see. Is this really setting up my future and if so does it have to be this harsh?

Saturday, October 30, 2004

For You

I went to the Generation Joshua Phase II Comedy Night tonight. It was good. I needed to laugh at something. On my way home I listened to my Fleetwood Mac Rumors CD. The last song "For You" reminded me of you...."and the songbird keeps singing like they know the score, and I love you, I love you, I love you, like never before, like never before...."

We have made a major decision this week and I am trying to adjust to that. We have decided to sell before foreclosure. Things havent been going well and thats what we have decided to do. It's a hard decision and it weighs heavy on my mind and my heart. I have put a lot of money into this house and the thought of losing it has made it difficult to focus. I am hoping that we are able to sell it and move on.

I know you knew something was going on because I wasnt talking much. I just dont want you to be concerned while you are on vacation. I dont know what else to say. I am going to bed. Take Care and have a good night. I love you.

Friday, October 29, 2004

Hello

Happy Date Night. Enjoy your vacation. You will not have anything to worry about from me. I will not have one complaint or worry for you from me. I want you to relax. Enjoy your vacation. Go to the whirlpool, or hot tub. Get a massage. Visit someplace you havent visited before. Be a tourist for a day. Relax. Listen to some soft music.

Sunset at Little Beach - Pu'u Ola'i, Makena, Maui

Thursday, October 28, 2004

All Saints Day Mass

The sixth grade is preparing for the mass. We are doing the songs and readings. What a good day it will be. I hope you are resting. I want you to come back refreshed. Keep your mind clear and enjoy the beautiful sunrises and sunsets.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Know that you are loved and missed

I went to bible study. I'm up at 5am.  I wanted to say good morning. May God bless you and keep you today.

Have a good day.

Monday, October 25, 2004

Hello

I hope you had an enjoyable flight and everything is well.

My day went well. We began a science experiment on bread mold today. That was the highlight of my day. We prayed for your safety today during our prayer time. I worked at Sylvan and went home. Grading papers now.

May God bless you and keep you tonight and always. I will probably not be able to write before Friday. I want to keep you up to date on whats going on in my life.

Take care of yourself and do some soul searching.

Be blessed and be a blessing to someone. Good night, honey.

Sunday, October 24, 2004

Good Evening, Sweetheart

 

                     

I don't know if you are still here or you have left. I don't know if you will have computer acess or not but I will write as usual.

I pray that God watches over you on your travels to and from Hawaii. May you have nothing but blue skies and sunny days. Allow the sand to crunch between your toes and the smell of the ocean to waft through your nostrils. Enjoy the warmth of the sun on your shoulders and enjoy the sounds of the island. Engulf yourself in the environment and remove all cares from your mind. Meditate, pray and relax. Refresh yourself. Renew your mind and recooperate. Know that you are in my prayers daily. I also lift you up in prayer with the sixth graders during morning prayer. Know that everyday you will be a special intention from my heart. Take Care relax and enjoy yourself.

I didnt say much today. I hope you dont mind. Dont take offense to that.I was in a hurry. I feel like I am talking to you now and that I am just picking up the conversation where we left off. It seems that I am always late for something. I was late for church last week and this week because I have to now drop Anna off at work and she is very slow. I have to get her out at 10 o'clock if I want to be on time for church.

I have to complete my lesson plans for this week so I am going to say good night to you and may you have pleasant dreams and safe travels.

               

Saturday, October 23, 2004

Good Afternoon, My Love

                     

Today I get play Cinderella. I am going over my Dad's and help him with his building. Clean, clean, clean. One of the tenents is moving. I did complete the CPS application finally.

I have taken Anna to work this morning. I didnt get a chance to work in the yard yet due to the rain. Maybe tomorrow. I am back to teaching ACT on Sundays. A new clas started last week. I will be doing this for eight weeks. I think Dec 5th weekend is the last day or the test dat for the students.

Well this has been a much better week in general for me. No class on Thurs eve so I was able to come home straight from school. Friday, we had the field trip to see Dance Africa and then it was home after school, so that was good. Then today, Sylvan didnt need me this morning so I didnt have to go in, which was a blessing. Now when I go over to Dad's I will be able to work dilligently and accomplish something.

I got my court date in the mail for the ticket I received. Its of course the same date as my last day of student teaching. I will have to leave early that Friday.

Oh well, on to bigger and better things. Have a wonderful day and I look forward to seeing you tomorrow,

                

Friday, October 22, 2004

Hi, Date Night

Sometimes I think about you and just giggle. I'm just filled with happiness. The thought of things to come, the togetherness, the good times. I think its going to be ok.

"Taste and see that the Lord is good;

blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.

Fear the Lord, you his saints,

for those who fear him lack nothing.

The lions may grow weak and hungry,

but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing." Psalm 34:8-10

"Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." Ephesians 5:1

"Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which is the Savior. Husbands love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless." Ephesians 5:21-27

Faithful and trustworthy in God's eyes is where I want to be.

Remember- Use God's word like you are a surgeon. Start with love of God and use anesthesia to fill them with his love. Then when they are numb, give them the truth, rip them open and expose the truth, then sew them up with love. Remember to acknowledge that there are concerns in their area, region, that they are concerned about. Touch their hearts and you will reach their minds. Show your human side and they will love you as I do. You understand better where they come from than they do but approach them from the individual perspective of the soldier, the worker and the disenfranchised. You have a wonderful opportunity to speak to those who feel they are the people who have shaped America and are the middle class of government workers, corporate workers and small businessmen. They follow the rules and they are able to succeed. Why cant others do the same, is their attitude. They forget they made the rules. They don't know how to have a middle road. Everything is black and white usually, until it hits them, and then suddenly its earth shattering and we have the Today Show, Oprah, and Good Morning America talking to them about their "tragedy".

 

"They could find no corruption in him, because he was trustworthy and neither corrupt nor negligent." Finally these men said, " We will never find any basis for charges against this man Daniel unless it has something to do with the law of his God." Daniel 6:4-5

Obedience will result in favor. God wants you to reach the world. Accept his word and vision for you. You have spent your time trying not to expand man's way and now you must spend your time expanding God's way. Pray, Pray, Pray. Spend your time pleasing God and pray tht he puts yoru heart in tune with his word and that your mind is open to God's will and purpose.

I love you, have a good night. I'll see you on Sunday, Sweetheart.

Pietà

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Thank You

Thank you for giving me your input on the CPS. I will go with Columbia, Kipp, Irving, Beethoven and Farren. Farren is a special reason.

"But be not afraid of greatness.

Some are born great, some achieve greatness,

 and some have greatness thrust upon 'em." - Shakespeare

You have given me your opinion of my choices and I will use this information wisely. Thank you.

May God watch over you tonight and every night. Be Blessed and be a Blessing to Someone. Good Night My Love.

Sunday, October 17, 2004

Covenant Love

                      

It may not have been a sermon but we exchanged two or three sentences.

I'm happy. That's a start. It went well. No pressure. Smooth sailing.

I'm going to make a list of the schools that I am considering and I will bring them to the rectory, in a folder, nothing too private, and you can make comments and suggestions on the choices. I will list my top five and then the rest in order of preference. I will drop this by tomorrow, so if you could get to it so I can pick it up by Wednesday or Thursday  I would appreciate it. I want your input on such a big decision. My submission is to choose the way you want me to go. Don't think that I am unwilling to do what you need from me. I know that it is God, guiding my path and directing your vision. My priorities: God, you, and that clan called family. When you need me I will be there. I have no reservations about whenever. My family can handle themselves. I coddle them too much. They'll be just fine. I direct my thought to support and agree with you. I will praise God no matter what. I am thankful for the chance to love you and will continue to do just that.There's a song in my heart, and a skip in my walk, all because of you.

Good Night, My Love.

Saturday, October 16, 2004

Another Favorite

 

                        

"Finding Nemo" is another one of my favorite movies. It's got so much going for it in the concepts and themes. There's something there for everyone. Unfailing love, faithfulness, devotion and unconditional love. I don't know why I am telling you about my favorite movies. I don't get to look at movies that often. I'm happy that I can make contact with you some way. God will never not have a place for me near his heart.

                      

Hello

"Spiritual Growth"

"Growth is the goal of the Christian. Maturity is mandatory...If you are the same Christian you were a few months ago, be careful." - Max Lucado

"Therefore let us leave the elementary teachings about Christ and go on to maturity..." Hebrews 6:1

 

                  

Four more weeks of student teaching. The bulk is over, its now on the down side. I am trying for a CPS job. A hard to staff school. I figure I will be able to find something quicker in that situation. I have been grading papers, working on my portfolio and doing lesson plans for the majority of today.

I hope I say something interesting tomorrow.

Friday, October 15, 2004

I Love The Lord

                          

I love the Lord, He heard my cry and pitied every groan.

I love that song. I listened to it on the way home. That and Yolanda Adams, Talk to me, are two of my most favorites songs. Today is a day that I chose to celebrate God and my happiness. I have had a very special week. I am calling Friday our date night. It is my only day during the week where I don't have anything in the evening and I get to come home. I am celebrating with pizza and salad (mom's treat) and one of my most favorite movies "You've Got Mail". I just love this movie. It reminds me of us. I am happy even though this week was a challenge. What a challenge. But when is it not a challenge, I feel we need to celebrate the good times when they occur because we will have enough bad times to make us feel bad but the good times need to be celebrated so that we remember how happy we were in the good times. Everyday demands us to be happy in the Lord. We must remember, this is the day that the Lord has made, we will rejoice and be glad in it.

When I was at Windsor Castle I saw a painting of Paul and Silas leaving the jail. It was very good. I don't remember the artist and I remember standing there with another group member and we talked about the picture in great detail it was very exquisite, very good. I found it interesting that you were talking about that very incident in your bible study class. I can see how you must have gone through alot with certain individuals who must now make amends to you. I understand your desire to have them respect you and for you to leave/change with well earned and deserved, honor and dignity. You have done so much for them. You have revitilized a dying industry. You are very much a man of God, your words cut to the quick and make people take notice. Never stop doing that. You are a light in a dark tunnel. Know that your are welcome in my heart. Thank you for being there.

Do you think that I can see you during the daytime more? We have lunch from 12:35-1:05. Maybe you could walk through if you're not too busy.

Words ar emy challenge. That is the cause of my misery this week, but I made amends and I am moving forward. I feel bad now that I told you you were distracting me and now I don't get to see you. Not fair. You can't listen to everything I say. I'm an hysterical female, going through a very stressful time and I have not a brain in my head sometimes. I say I don't want something when I really do. I really do want to see you as often as possible at the school. I know you are busy so the moments that I do get a glimpse of you I am thrilled. I look forward to seeing you on Sunday. This picture reminds me of Fall. One of my favorite seasons.

Monday, October 11, 2004

The Future

                                               

"God doesn't want us to know the future, He wants us to know Him. He wants us to trust Him to guide us into the future one step at a time." - Stormie Omartian

"I will give them a heart to know me, that I am the LORD. They will be my people, and I will be their God, for they will return to me with all their heart." Jeremiah 24:7

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17

"May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word." 2Thessalonians2:16

"Somebody said that it couldn't be done, But he with a chuckle replied that "maybe it couldn't" but he would be one who wouldn't say so till he'd tried. So he buckled right in with the trace of a grin on his face. If he worried he hid it. He started to sing as he tackled the thing that couldn't be done, and he did it. - Edgar A. Guest

" Keep me safe , O God, for in you I take refuge. I said to the Lord, "You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing." Psalm 16:1-2

I WILL trust in the Lord

I will trust in the Lord. I will trust in the Lord. I will trust in the Lord. I trust in the Lord at all times. I trust in the Lord.

I'm your beloved.

That alone lifted my heart.

I will trust in the Lord.

I know that the Lord hasnt taken me this far to leave me.

I know this.

I have more confidence in ths relationship than you know.

Patience, perserverance and fortitude.

My goal is to talk to you. I don't know what I'll say, but I have to start somewhere.

My goal was to start talking to you before student teaching is over and before you leave for your vacation.

Look out, my love, conversation is coming.

I pray that God will fill my heart with the words to communicate to you. Communication is my major. It can happen, it will happen. I will pray on this. I think I have have enough breakthroughs lately to warrant a casual conversation. an exchange of words, thoughts and ideas between two people. It can happen, it will happen.

What's going on with my pictures? Why don't they show? Oh well, try something different.

Friday, October 8, 2004

I know

My heart tells me you are not a violent man. I know that display at bible study was the devil trying to make me think otherwise. I just wanted you to know where I was coming from. What a day today. I saw you.

Paul Gauguin. Head of a Negress.

Thursday, October 7, 2004

Good Night

 

Me, God's Treasure?

What if I do something wrong, and you don't like it?

What if I am not the right woman for you?

What if you leave me?

What if you return to your other woman?

What if the people hate me for having a relationship with you?

What if you do do something to hurt me, will I forgive you?

What if I do do something to hurt you, will you forgive me?

What if I unknowingly distract you?

What do I need to do? Create my C.V., my resume, my autobiography so that everything I have ever done can be analyzed and dissected so that I am truly open and you know everything.

Will I receive the truth about the situations and change?

Should I even be discussing this? Of course I have had many different counseling sessions about different phases of my life. I am not naive enough to think that I can do anything all by myself. While I might want to sometimes, I know I can't.

Fear/Concern One:

What if I you are a violent man. I know that my mother's second husband was a violent man and she was beaten regularly. We had to move out in the middle of the night when he had gone to his night job. He was the one that took me to civil rights meetings with Dr. King and Jesse Jackson. He introduced me to civil right and social justice issues at a young age. He never had any problems before and he was just the nicest man otherwise. What if I upset you so that you become a violent man. 

While my father and I have a decent relationship now it wasn't always like that and he gets on my nerves regularly now. He is not perfect at all. He gambles too much. He's a packrat to the extreme.  He probably has the onset of Alzheimers settling in and he refuses to address that. He and my mother divorced when I was one and he saw us when he felt like it. I don't have idolized views of him as the perfect man. He's probably more generous to me now because he knows I'm the only one to help him now. He's burned so many bridges with the rest of the family. Somebody has to do it and I can't just ignore him.

I went to St. Elizabeth for kindergarten- most memorable experience ther was that my wraparound skirt fell while I was at the front of the class and I stood there and cried. The nun came and tied it back up.

First grade- Corpus Christi School-Sister Rosemary, I loved her. She taught me to love learning. I wanted to be a nun after that year.

Second grade- Sister Rosemary again- learned a lot- wanted to be a nun.

Third grade- Lay teacher- young and pretty, didnt want to be a nun anymore, just a teacher.

Fourth grade- Sister Amadaeus- uneventful.

Fifth grade-Ms Rucker- uneventful

Sixth grade- Lay teacher-African male, cant remember his name.Year my mother's boyfriend tried to come on to me but was unsuccessful.I told and he left town.

That's about as far as I can go for tonight. Let's just take it in chunks.

Everytime I leave your its like my skin is being scraped raw. I am an emotional mess and its always a tearful ride home.

" Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more importatn than foo, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worring can add a single hour to his life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat? or 'What shall we drink? or 'What shall we wear? For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:25-34                                  

Monday, October 4, 2004

My Love, My Love

Good Morning Love,

I think it was best I didn't hug you. I don't think I would have let go.

It was so good to see you and to be seen by you.

I think you forgive me. I forgive you.

I have to pace myself with you.

I was thinking about you on Saturday and managed to get a speeding ticket. The first one in over twenty years. I just wasnt paying attention. I was thinking about seeing you on Sunday. The anticipation of waiting for you to come out of the room, watching you walk around the church and then finally arrive at the altar.

I have to stay focused.

It was good to see you and good to be seen by you.

 

Saturday, October 2, 2004

Thank God for Fathers

                      

God knows what we need and supplies our needs just the way we need them. God knew that I wasnt eligible for really poor assistance and that I wouldnt qualify for loans since I am underemployed so he sent something different, something more appropriate. Something I had set up a long time ago but forgot about it. My AM/EX Gold. I forgot I had gotten that from my father for the trip. He got a second card for me.

He was holding on to it for me until we travelled. Now I can use it to relieve some of the pressure of bills and pay him back later. This is much better than anything I could have come up with. I can handle the bills with the card and the rest of the family can handle the mortgage since Im not liquid with cash. Thank you God. Thank you, thank you. Thank you.

...I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love with a man named Jesus (and Michael isn't so bad either ;)...

This will definately give me some breathing room to handle the day to day stuff also.

I just forgot that I had it. I got it long ago for the trip. With daddy handling the AM/EX bill for the next couple of months, I am free to concentrate on my studies. Oh thank you Jesus. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I'm sorry about being so horrid to you. I don't know how you put up with me and my ups and downs. I can only say that I'm sorry. Please forgive me. These writings  were my  private outlet and sometimes I just have the need to let go. I want to be honest and free with my feelings and I think that is the only way to really build trust and establish a foundation of security and trustworthiness. How do you build trust? Where this will all lead I don't know but God's hand is all over this.

                          

                           

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