Hi

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. and those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified."

Romans 8:28-30

"Of what value is an idol. since a man has carved it? Or an image that teaches lies? For he who makes it trusts in his own creation; he makes idols that cannot speak. Woe to him who says to wood, 'Come to life!' Or to lifeless stone, 'Wake up!' Can it give guidance? It is covered with gold and silver; there is no breath in it. But the Lord is in his holy temple; let all the earth be silent before him."

Habakkuk 2:18-20

Trust God by faith, he is faithful and his grace is sufficient.

Trust God by his character, his word is true. 

 Trust God because he is God and he can do all things.

Trust God.

My Captain, My Captain

              

Good Morning Dear,

I have decided that you will have two jobs in my life. You will be my anchor and my captain. Now before you say "let God be you captain" I want you to know that I think of God as my creator, my architect, my sculptor, my designer, the author and finisher of my life, to reduce him to only the captain of my ship (whether air or sea) reduces his authority in my life. You can have that job.  You can direct my course, you can give me guidance, you can ensure that I am following the ways of my Lord, My God. Now it doesn't mean that I have no responsibilities. I have to ensure that I follow and search for the truth. I hope to be an inspiration for you and a comfort for you. My wish is that we can complement one another. I will be good for you and you will be good for me. With God's guidance and help this is possible.

My day is busy, I am at my Dad's cleaning for a city inspection tomorrow. Then I work for two hours, then I'm at the elder's village for the unity meeting.  I like to keep you informed. Sorry I was late for church, my daughter was leaving for Champaign and the people taking her back were negligent but all went well.

The Word

My love, my love, I don't have joyful as a choice for my mood or else I would use it. So I will now use hopeful to represent joyful.

I am joyful. I am very joyful. I am so joyful. I just have this wonderful feeling that everything is going to be alright. I know it will. When I think about God's goodness over the years I can't help but smile and say ..yea, you were there God...When I think about my past, I remember that you have been in it for the past ten years. Whether I knew what I felt or not, you were a part of it. Ten years is a long time. It's probably more than that but that's when I can truly say I began to come to this church on a regular basis.

I read the bible every day. Thanks for Romans 8.I will try to pay more attention to where things are. I just love the word and the word loves me.  I think God has a plan and I'm not in on the details so I have to just sit back and enjoy the ride.

I just didnt think it was a good idea to have you over yet. One day but not yet.

I will be bringing you something with beef on Thursday. I'm havent decided what yet.

I will let you know how the picture turned out. I may need another one, I think there's too much shine on my face.

I'm giving the practice test now, dear, so I have to go but I just wanted to say, what a beautiful, inspirational, sermon today.

My Love, My Love

Oh My Love

My Sweetheart

My Honeybunch,

My Angel Muffin Cake,

My Darling,

My terms of endearment were removed from my journal for a time. I don't know if you missed them but I missed them. I was trying to see if I was able to make an impact without them and I found that I wanted to say them, to use them, to include them.

All things work together for the good of those that love the Lord. (The Bible)

I don't even know where that is in the bible.

I need my anchor to tell me. There is so much I don't know.

I must have faith that these things are working together for me because I am one who loves the Lord. I'm not perfect but I do know that I love the Lord. I believe that you love the Lord so that would mean that all things are working together for us.

Yes, darling, all things are working together for us.

See you tomorrow.

My Anchor

I ask God to firmly anchor my soul with hope in Christ.

Hebrews 7:2-3  -" ...his name means "king of righteousness"; then also, "king of Salem" means "king of peace." Without father or mother, without genealogy, without beginning of days or end of life, like the Son of God he remains a priest forever."

You always make me feel strong. You have touched the lives of so many people and they truly love you. You are wonderful. Your heart is good and pure. You are no respector of persons or things. I thank God that you are in my life. I am thankful this year that compared to last year, I know that you know that I have feelings for you and you have feelings for me. I didnt know that last year at this time. I am also thankful that I started this journal. The journey was rough but the rewards along the way have be good. Knowing that you know that I know that you know that was good (figure that out!)

I thank God for all the blessings this year and look forward to a soulful, sentimental and thoughtful  Advent season. I ask God to firmly anchor my soul with hope in Christ and guide me through the Advent season.

Thanksgiving

Let America Be America Again
Langston Hughes

Let America be America again. Let it be the dream it used to be. Let it be the pioneer on the plain Seeking a home where he himself is free. (America never was America to me.) Let America be the dream the dreamers dreamed-- Let it be that great strong land of love Where never kings connive nor tyrants scheme That any man be crushed by one above. (It never was America to me.) O, let my land be a land where Liberty Is crowned with no false patriotic wreath, But opportunity is real, and life is free, Equality is in the air we breathe. (There's never been equality for me, Nor freedom in this "homeland of the free.") Say, who are you that mumbles in the dark? And who are you that draws your veil across the stars? I am the poor white, fooled and pushed apart, I am the Negro bearing slavery's scars. I am the red man driven from the land, I am the immigrant clutching the hope I seek-- And finding only the same old stupid plan Of dog eat dog, of mighty crush the weak. I am the young man, full of strength and hope, Tangled in that ancient endless chain Of profit, power, gain, of grab the land! Of grab the gold! Of grab the ways of satisfying need! Of work the men! Of take the pay! Of owning everything for one's own greed! I am the farmer, bondsman to the soil. I am the worker sold to the machine. I am the Negro, servant to you all. I am the people, humble, hungry, mean-- Hungry yet today despite the dream. Beaten yet today--O, Pioneers! I am the man who never got ahead, The poorest worker bartered through the years. Yet I'm the one who dreamt our basic dream In the Old World while still a serf of kings, Who dreamt a dream so strong, so brave, so true, That even yet its mighty daring sings In every brick and stone, in every furrow turned That's made America the land it has become. O, I'm the man who sailed those early seas In search of what I meant to be my home-- For I'm the one who left dark Ireland's shore, And Poland's plain, and England's grassy lea, And torn from Black Africa's strand I came To build a "homeland of the free." The free? Who said the free? Not me? Surely not me? The millions on relief today? The millions shot down when we strike? The millions who have nothing for our pay? For all the dreams we've dreamed And all the songs we've sung And all the hopes we've held And all the flags we've hung, The millions who have nothing for our pay-- Except the dream that's almost dead today. O, let America be America again-- The land that never has been yet-- And yet must be--the land where every man is free. The land that's mine--the poor man's, Indian's, Negro's, ME-- Who made America, Whose sweat and blood, whose faith and pain, Whose hand at the foundry, whose plow in the rain, Must bring back our mighty dream again. Sure, call me any ugly name you choose-- The steel of freedom does not stain. From those who live like leeches on the people's lives, We must take back our land again, America! O, yes, I say it plain, America never was America to me, And yet I swear this oath-- America will be! Out of the rack and ruin of our gangster death, The rape and rot of graft, and stealth, and lies, We, the people, must redeem The land, the mines, the plants, the rivers. The mountains and the endless plain-- All, all the stretch of these great green states-- And make America again!

 

From The Collected Poems of Langston Hughes, published by Alfred A. Knopf,

Don't Worry

Don't worry that I am about to open up old wounds and become a nut case. I know from the previous entries you probably are ready to sign the commitment papers or at least begin a strong prescription of anti depressentants.

I'm stronger than you think. While this reflects a softer side of me I am pretty tough. I try to be a winner at what I attempt and I am attempting something now. My goal is to win. I love competition and I am a fierce competitor.

I dont have old love letters or wonder what Boo is doing now. I dont have old jewelry, letters or anything else. I actually got rid of all that stuff. I moved on.  I wonder if people still ask their pastor over for dinner?

Moving Forward

Moving forward is my goal

I don't watch Desperate Housewives, never have

I am trying to find out what is binding me and put it to rest once and for all

I don't want to rehash anything that is useless and annoying, I want to move on in my life.

I thought you were an anchor while I was going through student teaching and I made it through, its over now.

I want to put the past to rest.

I havent given up on you , don't give up on me.

Hello

Life is so funny.

I was at the church on 41st and King Drive today trying to sell cookbooks at this author's luncheon and the only person to buy a cookbook was the pastor. He had only arrived five minutes after I had, I was late because I had to work today and didnt get there until 2:45p. He listened to me go on about the our church and the cookbook and when I was over he told me to tell you directly" not to come into his church selling your cookbooks" He then proceeded to purchase one and tell me how you were part of his son's wedding or something. I am to give the check directly to you. He was very nice and he said that you two were best of friends. I told him you were speaking somewhere in Oak Brook today and I would give you the message tomorrow. That church was the same church of my mother's dear friend who I called Aunt Lou. She died suddenly in 1972. One of the ladies at the church remembered her. My mother knows the pastor. I am trying to help with the selling of the cookbooks because our own congregation of over 1200 won't purchase the 400 books we brought. Less than one fourth of our own congregation won't buy the books. This just doesn't seem right.

I have listened to some of Bishop Morton and I enjoyed it. I look forward to seeing you tomorrow.

What's On My Mind

These are the questions that are on my mind now?

What is my relationship with God now?

When I ask him to guide me and take over in my life, how do I know how to follow the signs that he may show me?

What am I looking for in this relationship now? What are the qualities, gifts, and behaviors that I want more of? What qualities, gifts, and behaviors do I want less of? What do I want more of the same in those areas?

What is energizing and giving me life in this relationship?

What is siphoning off my energy in this relationship?

What is God focused in this relationship?

When I ask God to direct me in this relationship do I listen to the ques and directions he gives me?

To listen to God I must feel to the very best of my knowledge and ability that this is what God wants for me.

What has been consistent in this relationship? What changes all the time?

My "Interior Freedom" how will I define that and execute it?

Luke 23

The crippled woman. Who are the people, places and things that bend me over and cripple me? Who are the people, places and things that give me courage to stand tall? Being a fair witness, looking objectively at my life and making some assessments.

My first thoughts after reading the entire chapter twice.

Jesus is preaching in a synagogue for the last time. She attends, she doesn't cry out, he sees her, he heals her. She was crippled by a spirit. Eighteen years (I am at 17 years since my divorce and I have not had a stable lasting relationship).

Jesus puts his hand on her. First, he saw her, then he called her forward, next he said to her" woman, you are set free from your infirmity", next, he puts his hands on her, finally, immediately she straightened up and praised GOD.

Thoughts of what's before this event and what's after this event:

Before- Unless you repent you too will perish. This is what Jesus is preaching to them in the synagogue. He tells them about Eighteen who die at tower in Siloam. Jesus tells a parable of a man who had a fig tree planted in his vineyard. He went to look for fruit but found none. He said to cut it down but the one tending the vineyard said, let me have one more year and I will dig around it and fertilize it. If it bears fruit next year fine if not then cut it down. Then it switches to the woman bent over for Eighteen years.

After - Members of the synagogue are indignant that Jesus heals the woman on the Sabbath. They suggest people come to be healed the other six days of the week, not on the sabbath. Jesus is indignant, Calls them hyopcrites. Gives them an example where each of them is doing some act of work on the sabbath. Expresses to each of them that she is a daughter of Abraham whom satan has kept bound for eighteen years. When he said this all of his opponents were humilated, but the people were delighted with all the wonderful things Jesus was doing.

This is as far as I have gotten.

 

 

Luke 13

I am reading that to help me find out some answers. I will try to decide what things, places and people help me and what things, palces and people hurt me.

I have to go to work now.

I wont totally stop the journal because I find relief in it and hope that you enjoy reading it also.

I will put in a long entry later this evening.

An Unhealthy Obsession

I was told today by a family member, one who I chose to talk about this situation with that I had an unhealthy obsession and I should try a relationship with someone who I have a chance with.

I have told no one else about my feelings.

I wonder if I am reluctant to talk because it that would make this more real and maybe I am avoiding commitment. I don't know. I say I want to talk, I tell myself I want to talk, when I'm in your presence I'm happy, so what's the problem.

I'm hoping spiritual direction can get me on the right track.

Popcorn, Moisture, Steam

I'm working on trying to pop my kernel. I can't believe I am having this problem.

I will be at St. Sabina tomorrow to give the sixth graders a treat. I will bring you some brownies.

I will be in on Thurs to talk about spiritual direction, how to trust with Sr Debbie.

I'm not saying much. Maybe if I keep it in, then I will want to say it.

 

Communication

Communication goes through six different layers (so the experts say)

1) What you mean to say

2) What you actually say

3) What the other person hears

4) what the other person thinks he hears

5) What the other person says about what you said

6) What you think the other person said about what you said

Build TRUST

T- Truthfulness - Leviticus 19:11 "Do not lie"

R- Respect - 1 Peter 2:17  "Show proper respect to everyone."

U- Understanding - Romans 12:15 "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn."

S- Small things - Luke 16:10 "Unless you're faithful in small matters you won't be faithful in large ones. If you cheat even a little you won't be honest with greater responsibilities. Treat a trust with faithfulness.

T- Time- 1 Thessalonians 5:14 "Be patient with everyone" 1 Corinthians 13 "Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance." Psalm 145 " The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made."

Development of Trust

four stages

1) Openess and Validation - willingness to honestly self disclose

2) Respect - trust through mutual respect. Know and respect each others boundaries and limits.

3) Acceptance and Letting go of the need to control - learn reasonable expectations.

4) Consistency and Sacrafice - trust is deepened by a demonstrated commitment. Signs of commitment: a) consistency (being reliable) b) sacrafice (efforts that are made at a cost)

Learning to trust in a new relationship when you have been burned in the past requires good self- esteem, reduction of fear, commitment to relationship and reduction of doubt.

Needs of a woman:

1) affection 2) understanding 3) respect

Needs of a man:

1) appreciation 2) acceptance 3) trust

 

Continue to tell me the truth.

Picture Time

                   

I'm bringing my camera to church today.

I will be taking pictures of my church family and I especially want a picture of you and me. I will ask someone to take a picture of us as I pass through the line. I hope you have time for the line today. I know you have to leave for Indianapolis. OH, pressure, pressure. Maybe I should try next week. I don't want you to be late. I have to be gone by 3pm. The people will definately be excited to have you back preaching again. Let's just play it by ear. I will have it if there is time fine if not then I will do it next week. I have favor this morning. I don't have to take my daughter to work so I am my only obstacle to getting to the church on time. I going to start getting ready now. Take Care and see you soon.

"On our knees we are the most powerful force on earth." - Billy Graham

"...pray continually..." 1 Thessalonians 5:17

                      

                                

I Missed You

I am so sorry that I missed. you.

I was with the Communication sisters and we had to go downtown to pickup one of their friends. When we returned, I heard you had been there. They said you were going to return so I stayed much longer than I needed hoping that you might return. I know you are busy. Indianapolis tomorrow. Oak Brook next week.

My goal is to get to church by 10:45am. I want my seat up front. I want to be close to you. You said "Hello Judi" You called me by name.

"Only God can fully satisfy the hungry hear of man."-Hugh Black

"As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God..." Psalm 42:1

 

Thank You

 

                           

Child of God

"If nothing seems to go my way today, this is my happiness;

God is my Father and I am his child."- Basilea Schlink

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!..." 1 John 3:1

I so needed to hear from you. Thank You.

Today was a good day. It was a good evening.

It began with love from the sixth graders. Lots of notes of love.

I was found guilty in court (I knew it was slim). I have a $75 fine. I accept it.

Then I came home and took a nap.

Then I went to church.

I'm O.K.

Tomorrow I will be there for report card pickup.

Then over to the elders village for Bea's party later.

I need to heard your words. The truth is the truth. Say it, tell me. I need the truth from you. I have always been able to depend on you to tell me the truth, don't stop now. I want to know what you think. My soul yearns for your words. Tell me.

OK, early morning tomorrow, long day, time to go to bed.

Good Night.

                         

Thursday

                    

Today is Veteran's Day. I'm a veteran. U.S. Navy.

One more day. Today I taught the children how to look through the microscope today. You need a science lab. I hope you put that on your list of things for the school. Our bread mold experiment went very well. The bread was very moldy. It turned geen, yellow and black. It was great. I'm making brownies for the kids (fresh) tonight. I have to grade the reading test also.

Tomorrow is my court date. I'll be leaving the school around 11:45. I have to be in court at 1:00. Its in Downers Grove.

I'm going to the choir presentation on tomorrow night.

I hope to see you there.

I liked your plant, it looked like a branch of peace that a dove would bring.

Like a peace offering.

It was very peaceful, I like it.

You had my keys. I only have one key on my ring. I use the garage door opener to get in and out of the house. We have an alarm system so its just a code. I thought about the fact that I didn't even have a house key on my ring, but I had all those useless key rings. My children put most of those on there. The one with my name (which isn't spelled right because I spell my name Judi, is from Lizzie when she went there on spring break last year) I have cleaned up my ring and I only have the car key and alarm(which doesnt work, needs a new battery), and my IBM pen. I understand its not good for my ignition to weigh it down with different rings. You know I have been thinking about what I said in my journal and then the fact that you choose not to preach. It seems we can't seem to say anything to each other that doesn't affect or hurt the other. We must find a way to communicate without hurting each others feelings. I refuse to give up trying. I think this can work. We just have to find the right way.The right words will come. Its not every thing we say its just some things. Either I say something or you say something. We have to get this together and move on.

 

Trust

"Trusting God sometimes means learning to rest in His silence."- Cynthia Heald

"Be still, and know that I am God..." Psalm 46:10

"Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God." Romans 15:7

Fear

"Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to an all-knowing God." -Martin Luther

"I will instruct you and teach  you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over  you." Psalm 32:8

Hope

"How often we look upon God as our last and feeblest resource! We go to Him because we have nowhere else to go. And then we learn that the storms of life have deriven us, not upon the rocks, but into the desired heavens."-George MacDonald

"...the Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer...in whom I take refuge..." 2 Samuel 22:2-3

                   

This was different

OK

This was different.

What to think, I don't know.

I felt some messages, there was eye contact.

You looked well rested and happy.

Let's see where this is going.

Very interesting evening. Lots to think about.

So now I won't hear from you until Sunday, and what will you say, I wonder.

I got an A in both my classes. I am so glad its over.

I just have to finish out the week.

Good Night.

Love or Infatuation

Harmony

"The secret of harmony in a family is each of the members wanting God's will for the others instead of having their own way."- Evelyn Christenson

"Finally, all of you , live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble." - 1Peter 3:8

 

I am sure that reading my entries gives you many mixed emotions. I sound like a child with only wispy dreams of a fairy tale relationship and hollywoodesque relationships. I am not. I know the reality of this situation.

I have more years behind me then ahead of me. Neither of us know the day nor the time that the Lord our God will call upon us. We can plan for the future all we want but when he calls we must answer. This could truly be the last entry I ever write. I don't know what will happen when I walk out my fron door. What I do know is that I will always try for love and comfort in my entries. 

What I do know is that God has seen fit to allow me to meet you and have feelings for you. If the passion and thoughts in my journal frighten you, I'm sorry. This is my journal. You are in my journal. When I think about it I didnt invite you in and I am sure you can choose not to read this whenever you want. This is the only means of communication that I have with you and I must say it has been a struggle for me to continue on with it. I know that every thought, word, sentence, picture is up for review and discussion. Yet I continue.

When your read this you are reading a one dimensional view of me. You must remember that I am a multi faceted person, I am more than this journal. I also know that I am constantly challenged by my family and friends. I continue on even when our views clash.

I think I find it difficult to talk to you after mass because that is a time when I am reflective of the sermon, I have no business with you, I'm not on your staff so there isn't even a question relating to work that we can discuss. I can only say, have a blessed week, good sermon, or just take care. I will not ask you about my journal now expect you to give comment on it. We exist in this relationship because God for whatever reason has seen fit to have it exist. Take or leave it.

I'm off to school/work. Have a blessed day and I look forward to seeing you this evening.

 

Student Teaching Reception

Tuesday, November 9, 2004

5pm until 6:30pm

I will leave around 6pm so that I will be on time for bible study.

I will probably have to sit in the back when I get there..

 

Here I Am To Worship

Here I am to Worship

Light of the World

You stepped down into darkness

Opened my eyes and let me see

Beauty that made this heart adore you

Hope of a life spent with you

Here I am to worship

Here I am to bow down

Here I am to say that you you're my God

You're all together lovely

All together worthy

All together wonderful to me!

-Tim Hughes

I love it, its beautiful and it reminds me of you. Morning Glory 2004. You will be home soon. I'm excited.

That according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power. - Ephesians 3:16

Strengthen me Oh Lord, strengthen my soul and renew my inner strength. Allow me to act on faith and know that your word is my strength. Allow me to act on faith when I come up against life's circumstances. Let your word be the meat of my existence. When I think about the things going on in my life it just lets me know that something good is in store for me because I am a child of God and ..

On the day I called, you answered me; my strength of soul you increased.-Psalm138:3

                         

Late Date Night

           

Sweetheart, I was here earlier.

I had a great entry about my day today and my thoughts on the election.

I found two wonderful pictures that I was going to include. It was going to be great.

Then my computer froze, and I lost everything. I was tired and I went to bed. Only to be awaken early in the A.M. (zero dark thirty), with an unquenchable thirst to add something to my journal. This is date night. If I don't add anything all week, I have to add something on date night. I guess this was the equivalent of "I had car trouble and that's why I'm late." I am always saying that there is no excuse for not doing what needs to be done. I say that we do that which is important to use so there is not a reason in the world why somethings can't be done. Now I am a victim of my own decree. I was tired and instead of immediately sitting down and rewriting the journal, I went to bed. I made a choice. I think it was better for me to be rested and in a better mood because I might have said something unnecessary because I was upset from losing all of my previous information. Now is a good time. I'm rested and reflective. I won't be here long though, its 3:30am. 

I just watched a National Geographic special on the Great Bears in the Pacific RainForest. Included was the great white bear or spirit bear. I was reading a great book to the kids called "Touching Spirit Bear" and it included the great white spirit bear. I didnt get to finish the book with them, because we had to move on to another novel, "Esperanza Rising", but I encouraged them to locate the book on their own and complete it. I like that book alot.

Today was my last University supervisor observation. I was told that I am ready for recommendation for certification. Yeah!!!!!

Next week is my last week. Happy and sad. I have grown very attached to that bunch of sixth graders.

I won't miss the drive and 5am wake ups.

Thank you for having a school that I could attend.

I saw Imani today. I was waiting for my children to return from gym and she was in the playground playing. I know she misses you but not as much as I do.

You will be home soon. Yeah!!! I hope you had a restful vacation.

Tomorrow I will work in the A.M. and then go over my dad's house.

Well my love, Be blessed and be a blessing to someone.

Freedom to LOVE

Jesus loves me, oh yes he does.

Jesus loves me, oh yes he does.

Jesus loves me, oh yes he does, for the bible tells me so. (Bodyguard soundtrack, Whitney Huston)

Freedom is not merely a word or an abstract theory, but the most effective instrument for advancing the welfare of man. (John F. Kennedy)

Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves, and, under a just God cannot long retain it. (Abraham Lincoln)

The people who settled in New England came here for religious freedom, but religious freedom to them meant freedom only for their kind of religion...This attitude seems to be our attitude in many situations. (Eleanor Roosevelt)

Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom, must, like men, undergo the fatigues of supporting it. (Thomas Paine)

Yes we can maintain a free society only if we recognize that in a free society no one can win all the time. No one can have his own way all the time, and no one is right all the time. (Richard M. Nixon)

A hungry man is not a free man. (Adlai E. Stevenson)

Freedom from fear and injustice and oppression will be ours only in the measure that men who value such freedom are ready to sustain its possession- (Dwight D. Eisenhower)

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. (Attributed to Voltaire)

What Must You Think

Is this girl always crying the blues over something?

I didnt have these problems until this year.

I think we may have a possible source for help.

I don't know if it will help but its an option.

I will continue to put my trust in my Lord Jesus Christ.

I know that it can go either way so I will try to believe in the good happening.

The mass went well today. We did a good job.

I hope you are enjoying your vacation and not stressing too much.

I will vote in the morning before I come into the city.