God Protect's His Own

I will begin this with Galatians 5:22-23

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control."

I am going to have to call upon all of those qualities to complete this entry.

My immediate thoughts are "Praise the Lord" a life was saved today. God continues to intervene in our lives even when we are unaware of his intervention. You are a blessing to Saint Sabina and the Catholic Church. I believe God has a wonderful purpose for you and you are fulfilling it daily. You were chosen for that role. God continues to shine through you.

I don't think God is really in the coming together of you and me. If he were this wouldn't be so challenging for me. I would find some reward for my efforts. And if I am not being rewarded then maybe I am barking up the wrong tree so to speak. If God were in it then he knows what I need from a relationship and I havent gotten any of that. No phone calls, no dates, no coffees, no nothing. I'm not saying you are wrong about my having low self esteem and self worth. I struggle with it constantly. But, wouldn't God know that and find a way for me to be successful? Wouldn't he help me in this task? I think so. Some how, some way, and I'm just not seeing that. Maybe I was chosen by God to put back on track with him. Help guide your thoughts back to him and his mission.

I'm trying to find God's will in all of this and I'm having a hard time locating it. I am having a hard time finding the good out of this. I believe I would be talking to the man I say I love and would be talking to me and not think of this as a "push me-Pull me" game. I don't like games and I don't want to go down this road. I was ready to be content minding my own business and keeping the thoughts and desires of my heart right there, in my heart.

When I started the journal I truly think the chaos began. Inuendos in your sermons increased, not that they werent ther before. You talk at me but you never talk to me. All I seem to see are signs of an abusive relationship. Emotional and maybe even physical. I pray that I am wrong. My dress offends you, an old sweater and new boots and I am a whore. Another man offers to take me to lunch and your informants tell you and suddenly I am equated to Eve and the destruction of the whole human race. I know who I told so I know who told yu. But I overlooked that and enjoyed the fact that you were territorial. Another man gives me a hug, done commonly at this church, and you make me fell like I had sex in the middle of the room with everyone watching.

I know that this is not what you were thinking, but I know you were jealous in both instances. I trust God and I will trust HIM to guide me in this relationship. I go to spiritual counseling to help me find the possible cause of whats going on with me, you suggest that I stop and I do. You suggest that its bring up old memories and maybe I might want to fan the flame with an old love again. How thoughtless of you. You have absolutely no confidence in me at all. But then why should you? We don't talk. I believe you expect me to change during one of your 4 hour worship services. While they are inspiring and motivating, You can't fix me. God's going to have to show up on this one because your message to me today was "Look, Whore, You are chosen and I'm not playing anymore games with you. If you wanted to be with me you would, so its over." So I'm going to listen to your words and stop writing for a while and turn to God to guide me because obviously I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I'm beginning a new job and I would like to thank you for your blessing, and I am now going to go to the bible and try to improve my outlook and self esteem. Good Night.

Warning signs seem to be popping up all ove for me. I think God is trying to tell me something. Maybe that's why I can't/won't talk to you comfortably. There's a reason why things are the way they are and instead of looking at what I want to happen I need to look at what is actually happening. Yes let's look at that. Let's look at what is and not what I want it to be. I knew you were upset at the house blessing. I won't be making any entries for the next couple of weeks.