My Trinity

Breaking through the flesh.

Here I am, alone, not smoking, not having sex, not really doing much of anything. I haven’t wanted to do any of those things for a long time and have not been doing them for a very long time, years, and years. Too many flesh thoughts. Too much anticipation for me. Sickness, depression, and doubt. I don’t want any of it to cloud my reasoning and thoughts. .

Not enough sleep. Let God be God. Let me not put my agenda first. When I think about this experience I wonder what is God getting out of this? Where is he edified in ths situation. I wouldn’t want someone to think that I need to be loved more than G0D. Never .

That my needs surpass his needs. I don’t want to be thought of as needy and fearful. I don’t think God would send you to a woman like that and I don’t think God would send me to a man who thought that was OK to be like that.. What would you want with someone who was not able to commit? You deserve better. I continue to say I am looking for God to be in this situation.

I could easily become flattered by attention from a handsome man, with power and self confidence. I could walk only in the flesh and just revel in the physical relationship that could be possible. Its obvious to me there is an attraction. Its easy to say there’s flirting and eye contact and there’s a connection, just go for it. But I want God. I want God to weigh in on this. How do I get God in on this? Is he here and I’m ignoring him, why? If so then what kind of woman am I? Why would you care about someone who can’t or won’t follow God’s word?

Is it really His word that I am hearing and if its Him why am I ignoring it? I want the wisdom to see and hear and understand when the word is from God. I search for God in all that I do. Am I so blind and ignorant that nothing I do is really for him? Is all of this just talk from me? How can I say I am here for God, I want God, and I truly think I believe I want God, and find myself not walking in his word? I’m not making blatant sins of sex, drugs and violence. I call myself a Christian in the spirit, searching for the truth. So I continue to worship and praise God. Hoping that I’m pleasing him some kind of way. I don’t want to put anything before God and I don’t want anyone to think that I am going to church to see them only and not God. God is my one true love, no one is before HIM.

I continually say whether this works or not I will still be at church and I will still worship God. If I don’t get it right ever and this is as far as we ever get in this relationship I will still worship God. I question, I struggle, I wonder, and have new insights on God’s revelation to me but I will not let go of God.

 There is nothing above him, not family, religion, not relationships, Nothing. I know what God has done for me and what he can do for me. I know he saved me. I know. I continue to worship to strive for his dimension. I want to come in and stay in so that He can give me what I need. I don’t want to be scared. I need to have less control and give it over to God. I want to be in his presence. I don’t want just a taste I want the whole portion.

I want to give my all. Also knowing that giving my all is not just enveloping myself in a relationship with man but its giving my all to God and relationships with man will develop the way God wants them to. I want to do it God’s way.

I say, God I’m not having sex, I’m not smoking anything, not watching porn, not drinking, but I’m still searching for the truth. Searching for the areas that I fall short of the glory of God. Searching for answers, searching for solutions, hoping to be in the right place at the right time to receive God’s favor.

I just don’t see anything positive out of this journal. Is it making me sound more controlling, more fearful, more pitiful. I don’t think you really know me from this journal alone and that’s really the only piece of me you have access to. I don’t proclaim to know you just from sermons and bible study twice a week. I know there’s more to you than that. I have thought about ending this journal.

I began it as an outlet for my feelings, which was flesh taking over. Now its become a message board to someone who is right here for me. I think its taken on importance than it should not have. If I don’t post in the morning I feel guilty. I cautiously choose my word to not offend or to not be misunderstood but it continues to happen. I look forward to posting, I don’t know what to say to not sound arrogant or controlling. I’m just going to stop for a week and see what happens.

I very much want God to breakthrough this week and weigh in on this decision. I haveenjoyed the communication on a fleshly level and I want to breakthrough the flesh on this. So this is going to be the last entry for a week, until next Sunday. I plan to worship, meditate and praise the Lord for this week. I want my focus to be on God and this journal has been on you lately. I bless you this week and I pray that you have a blessed and glorious week. I pray for your healing this week and for more blessings than you can imagine. This is one week, seven days, I can do this and come out stronger or not. I feel, I think this needs to be done. Let God's faithfulness rain down on us this week.