A Year Ago

Pentecost a year ago we were flirting with each other. We held hands for a minute. We were talking. You danced to the Temptations. We were communicating. We had fun. There was a thrill.

Look at us now. For the last ten months I have been writing in this journal and we are not communicating. What kind of relationship is this? Have we lost it?  

I have said intimate, personal, and just embarrassing stuff in this journal and I'm embarrassed about it. The intimate girly feeling stuff that just doesn't get said was read. But, I have moved on with that. What's done is done in that respect. It has been nine months of journal writing knowing that you have been reading it.

But I now so desperately want to move the relationship from this journal to reality. This is just ridiculous. Why didn't I just sit down beside you at the table? What's the problem?

I have never heard of a relationship like this and I have no idea how to proceed with this. I'm lost. I'm confused. I'm bewildered.

I'm truly dissappointed with this journal. It seems to have taken us further away from each other rather than bringing us together. I think it has just given you a perspective of me as being a bit crazy. I don't think this has been very flattering. It has allowed daily contact in a sort of one way communication sort of way. Where has it really helped?

There is no one else I would rather be involved with but you. I don't have a plan b, an alternative option or a just in case method. I'm believing on this to work itself out. I'm just so infuriated that its not. If this doesnt work, then it doesnt work. We now both say this is something we want and we don't seem to have more than two words to say to each other. Its crazy. I've never seen anything like this before. This keeps me confused.

I try to make sense but it just doesn't make sense.  What are we to do? What can we do?

Pray and ask God for true guidance. Truth and more truth.  This has to get better. How can I say this and hear you say things and we are still not even talking? Its not right. How do we make it right?