The truth is we all can say we want something, but until we actually have it, we have only an idea of what it might be like. I think you are comparing my difficulty with my job with my difficulty with my relationship with you. I wanted a job badly, and I took the first one that offered me a full time position. I love teaching. I love the way learning imparts knowledge and power to an individual and they are able to stretch further with this new knowledge. I have always wanted to be a teacher and I think I have chosen careers that reflect that throughout my life. Helping people is something that seems to come natural and I enjoy doing it. I care about people and want to be a help. I’m consumed with my career because I want to do well and its important to me. Just like you.
If my job and relationship are being compared then I must say they are both challenging. I sometimes think you would rather I quit the job and quit complaining. But I got the impression that by wanting a job and then finding it difficult was being compared to wanting a relationship and finding it difficult also. The question being would I walk away from the relationship when it became difficult. If I walk away from the job then I would walk away from the relationship.
Being an elementary school teacher in the projects of the inner city is a challenge. I believe that children are our future. If we can’t educate them about the things they need to know in this society, then how can we hope to have them be successful adults that care about each other and us. My biggest challenge has been with the children’s attitude. They don’t see a use for education. I find the disrespect to be extreme. The cursing and total disregard for anyone in authority is annoying.
I’m not trying to rehabilitate the whole school. I think I just had an idea that we need to reach back and help those less fortunate and give them a way out. The reality is they are not all looking for a way out and I needed to understand that. Some are content with the situation the way it is and that this is all there is for them to hope for. I want more for them but I also know they have to want more for themselves.
Some students have failed twiceand won’t be returning so they don’t want to do any work and feel it’s a waste of their time. Some think I am judging them and putting them down as most teachers have. They have new teachers about every six months or so. Some stay but most leave. Part of me says stay and show them you care, another part says I know why the others left and I’m leaving too.
I am not the only one who they disrespect and I find when we attempt to get help from home that’s not always helpful. Most of the parents have drinking or drug problems. They smell of alcohol when they come up or either they are high and its evident. Some have just lost all hope for the child and themselves. Some parents are in jail or have just been released. Some parents are buying and selling things on the street (their body included) and other students know this and tease the student.
Their problems are difficult. They are still children but have deal with problems that just shouldn’t be there. Seventh grade is definitely a challenge because their bodies are changing and they are basically trying to figure this out. Most are trying to experiment with each other and drugs. This is elementary school. Its so different from when I was in school.
So when I say I don’t like it and I’m glad when I don’t have to be at school for whatever reason, I’m telling the truth. I’m honest. Who would like having children, children now, tell you as you stand at the door greeting them in the morning, "why did you come to school today" "I can’t stand you" "What kind of car do you drive, I’m going to smash all of your windows" and other things that I’m just not going to repeat. They aren’t my own children so I have to use restraint and keep it professional, no matter what.
I write them up, I give them detentions, I talk sternly to them. Nothing matters really, because they are used to being punished and having things taken away from them anyway. Some of the other teachers say they are more difficult with me because I came in the middle of the year and I just have to sort of deal with it until the end of the year. Next year will be different when you start with your own class from the beginning they say. Next year. So, for the remaining of this year I have to put up with this stuff. I either let them go hog wild and do what they want to do and I get in trouble. Or I continue to try to reign them in and have to spend half of my time teaching and the other half disciplining. More like a quarter ofmy time teaching and three-fourths disciplining.
Yes, I picked a bad neighborhood, yes, there are challenges here that are quite unique to any learning situation, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. I know I could walk away and find another school and no one would blame me. After all this is the projects. But so many have walked away from these kinds of problems that it just hasn’t helped matters much. I knew it would be difficult. Now that I have the difficulties I’m being challenged to see some of it through.
I’m not saying I can fix it but I would like to think I can do something good. I’m not saying this is the end all be all place for me but I have chosen a difficult place and I’m trying to figure it out. So when I tell you, I don’t like it, I don’t. But it doesn’t mean I don’t love teaching. I love teaching. Somehow I hope to learn more about children behaviors, classroom management and learning styles to reach the point where I can feel comfortable and knowledgeable in these challenging situations.
Teaching is challenging in any aspect so I just try to continue to sharpen my skills. After all, I am graduating in June. You have been with me on this journey for the last ten months and now its about to end. Thank goodness. I struggled through student teaching and now with my first assignment I’m struggling. Life is a struggle. I don’t expect it to always be perfect, but there can be more comfortable spots in it. I’m sure there’s some learning for me here. I think sometimes that I am being conditioned to take nasty insults from strangers and be disliked openly and still be able to do what I need to do. I’m sure there’s a learning experience here.
I do like the fact that I can write to you everyday and you will read it. I’m just going through some metamorphous. I took today to finish my final project for class tonight and I have to get back to work now. I just wanted to get some of my truth out and hope you understand it a little. I’m not perfect and I know you know this, I just want to try to make things better for us somehow. I want you to understand me. Somehow there has been a bond established. I don't want to break that.
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