I Wonder...

I wonder why God wants me to write in this journal? Is it so you and I can create a level of intimacy even thought we are away from each other? Is it so I can tell you what I think and do so you can know me and what I like and dislike? Is is so you can help me refine and repair myself? I hope its all of the above.

I sometimes feel like a lady in a magic act. I'm the woman strapped to the spinning wheel and daggers are being thrown at me. You never hit me with the dagger but you come very close and the crowd just keeps clapping and cheering you on the keep going. I'm scared as heck about what's going to happen but you say "trust me".God is guiding the knives and they never maim, just get very close. God wants me to trust. Yes, its going to get very scary but just trust in me, trust in him. I think he wants me to know that it really is just me, you and him. Don't let anyone else in this relationship. Don't let others influence me or tell me what's going on between you and me. I KNOW YOU CARE AND THAT THIS IS REAL.

I often wonder if there is ever a level within me that you find pleasing? I often feel like you are judging me all the time. But I know that God wants me to be strong, I have to be able to take the good with the bad.  I know that you are telling me things that are true and I need to hear them. I need to do the right thing and I ask you constantly for the truth and would be dissappointed if you did otherwise.

I know its selfish of me to want to know something about the future plans, I have to make up stories to my self. I know how Noah felt. You know that the dream is coming true someday but the people you have told about it are all too ready to knock that dream down and you don't tell anyone else about your dream. The one you have told never forgets that they know. You just keep plugging along, not knowing what or when or if, but you know it will. Faith keeps you going.

Am I engaged? Can my heart believe in the promise? Do I find solace in knowing that you care? Is that enough? Am I selfish for wanting more? Can I be patient and let the miracle happen? Will I really be happy? Will you be happy?

I miss you when I don't send a message everyday. I wake up at three in the morning wanting to send a message. I think about whether you wonder what I'm doing or what is going on in my life. Then I try to send something that is not depressing and is uplifting. What was that pat on the shoulder about? I know that wasn't for me. You just must have been tired. That's what I'm going to say anyway. I wonder...