Forgive Myself

That is the hardest thing for me to do. I think I am not the one for you. I think I am too fat. I think I am just not right for you. I think to much. I am my own worst enemy.

I continue to hear how I am delaying God's will in  my life in your life , in the church's life. In the process, delaying the future of the church. God knows I don't want to be responsible for that. I don't want to have an insurmountable, unbeatable problem. That's just way too much responsibility. I just have to look at this one step at a time.

I know that you have the patience of Job when it comes to me, yet I continue to think that you are fed up and this is the last straw, you won't be there. I don't think you have ever indicated anything to me but care and concern but I choose to believe its not about me and think differently. When I really get honest with myself, I just don't believe its really real. Its you and me. Its amazing to me. You and me. I think, he's just being nice, he;'s just tolerating me, he's afraid I'm some crazy woman, or just all of the above. I'm trying to dump the fears, the truths the concerns and get to a point of acceptance and really make this happen and see a future, what ever it may be. This has been an overwhelming concern in my life for a long time.

When you watch a movie or are watching someone else you can see the things they are doing wrong. You can see what the roadblocks are for them and even predict what will come along to remove those roadblocks. When its you, when its your life, its like you are in a pea soup fog. Everybody knows but you. They can see what you need to do, they can even predict what will happen to remove the road block. They all ways know what you are doing wrong. You can see what I am doing, others can see what I am doing. I just seem to do it. I want to get it right. Why is it so hard for me?

I put the cares and concerns on the altar tonight. If I am hung up about past relationships, I put it on the altar. I put every hurt I have ever felt, I put on the altar. Every hurt I have ever caused, I put on the altar. What ever it is that is causing me to doubt and not believe, I put it on the altar.

Please have a blessed night and sleep well. My thoughts and prayers are with you.