Saturday

Today I spent most of the day getting my transcripts together. Something for me that is a change. I was up at 3am trying to access and fax and send all of the different transcripts that I have. My fax machine was not working right, nothing new. I had spent twenty years getting my bachelors degree. From 1976 through 1996 to just get a bachelors that should have taken 4-5 yrs. My daughter was telling me how she is working for an assistant manager who is 20 years old and she is now 27. I know what that is like working for someone who is younger that you. Having to listen to someone who doesn't know what they are talking about and expect you to pick up the slack for them.

Do you know why so many black woman are single? The real and true reason is that at some time we have give our hearts to someone and they have disappointed us to no end. We have felt such deep pain and unreconciable differences with a mate that we thought love us that were are broken. We are broken to such a degree that we don't want to trust another. Whether that person was black, withe, or brown, they hurt us. The fact is the hurt wasn't just with one person but with one after another until the hurt no longer had a face but just a species, male. The male species has hurt, lied, and deceived us until we no longer trust ourselves to trust them. Some women will continue to trust, no matter what. Some others will say, I have had enough, my heart and mind and soul cannot take another betrayal by a man who lies if he is married or with someone, someone who will sleep with you and not be serious, someone who will just not even know who you are after an hour. Somehow God made woman to feel too many things. We need to know that you care, and that we are important and that were mean something to you and that somehow we are the most important thing in your life, how did that happen. Why cant we just be indifferent to so many things? Why cant we just let things that are considered insignificant to others be insignificant to us? Maybe its the same reason That the Indians can't accept the money for Mt Rushmore? Its just wrong.
Someone who doesn't know you and the experiences you have been through. Does any one really know you and your experiences? I had no really good reason for not getting it. My family would have made sure that I got it but I chose to go into the Navy after one year. Then I chose to get married and have children. I have made many decisions that have influenced my life.When I went into the Navy in 1977, I was free to make my own decisions. From then until I married my life was my own, come what may, I made the decisions. From 1980 until 1987 I was a married woman and I do not want to think that those seven years have scarred my life view for marriage but somehow they have given me some insight. From 1989until 2009, twenty years I have though of marriage as a farce. I will not think of it differently until I am remarried again. The remaining years have influenced my view of marriage. I was ready to get remarried and I couldn't find one man that I wanted to remarry. I just couldn't make that commitment. Each and every mean after that was not the right man. They were either a liar, said they were single and they weren't, either I just found something unacceptable that I just couldn't stand and I said no way or I just stopped dating, but then came you. You managed to get in where others could not. You got into the secret place in my heart, my most sacred place. I didn't plan on letting you in to my heart. My heart has been broken and torn apart. My heart had been trampled on and lied to and just plain abused. My heart has been exposed to men who are not able to respect me and love me the way that I need to be treated. My heart was in no way ready for another human to observe and be a part of. But low and behold, God sent you in anyway and according to your proclamation and my crazy idea, we are in love and we should be together. I am expected to jump to the idea of love. I am supposed to be happy that I am in love and loved. Praise the Lord, I will not be alone in the latter years of my life. I will not be a woman alone with cats. I am now taking care of my father , mother, brother, daughter, and grandson. They all have their own incomes right now but I know that I am the structural person that allows them to stay here. Whether it is emotional, physical or structural. I am needed by them. I am loved and needed. But the problem is that I love and need you.
Can you believe that I truly, madly and deeply love men. I love God and I do love myself. That's why I have not remarried after divorcing in 1989. I really wanted to remarry and I was unable to find anyone that I felt worthy of my love. I had been hurt, degraded and totally pushed aside.I don't want to be that woman waiting for you in the bedroom, alone, when I know you are with someone else, or that you just don't want to be with me. I knew I would remarry and remarry quickly. Hell, I was a beautiful woman and I had many men who wanted me, but I didn't want them. We separated in 1982 really and stuck it out until 1987 and finally divorced in 1989. I knew I would just remarry and move on with my life but God had a different plan for me. I had rediscovered God in 1985 at this small baptist church in Boise. I loved men and they loved me. I wanted to move from this existence to another but I just couldn't find anyone that I wanted to be with so I said to myself that I wouldn't be with anyone until I found the right one and I became celibate. I am now working on too many years and don't want to count and its in the double digits. I'm moving into hostile territory. I have to now surrender to the enemy. You are now to be considered my friend and confidant. God wants this to happen. Go figure. this is my Nineveh.Trust you and love you to no end. Why do I tell you this. What is the reason and the purpose.