Good Night

What if i were a different person? What if I were more like
Bathseheba? What if I were more able and willing to be at your beck and call? Willing to be whatever you needed me to be whenever you needed me to be that./

Today was my birthday. Today I started a car for almost an hour.
Then we drove it in and donated it to the church. We got a call that my dad may not have \his car anymore and I still gave the car to the church. Was I wrong for doing that or was it a meant to be?

After I saw you today I cried all the way home. Why. What is the problem. I should be happy. This is my birthday, I saw you today and I should be happy but I wasnt. We were there together and we should have talked or connected and nothing.

Where is this  leading? What am I suppose to do? This is just something that is very confusing. How do we work this ourt? Is it all on me? Am I the problem?  Can this problem be solved?

Why am I so unhappy. I gave myself roses today. I know that i have to be able to make myself happy. Even at 40 somethings are just not the way you imagine them to be and yhou have to say maybe this is where I am suppose to be.  I am where I am suppose to be right now. What else is there to imagine.