What Do You See?

What do you see when you look at me?

Lord what do I see when I look at me?

Am I doing my best?

Am I following the rules? AM I BREAKING THE RIGHT RULES?

Am I able to do God's will? Is this for me? God's will? What is it?

Why do I want to give up?

Why do I think that this is not for me?

What are my reservations in the matter?

It seems so much more sterile than I want it to be. Its more distant than I want it to be.

Everybody is in this relationship. That's a good thing. I THINK, MAYBE, MAYBE NOT. I WAS ASKED DO I REALLY WANT THIS AND I SAID YES.HOW CAN YOU REALLY WANT SOMETHING AND NOT WORK TOWARDS GETTING IT.

 AM I WORKING TOWARDS GETTING WHAT I WANT.

 IS WHAT I WANT WHAT GOD WANTS?

IS IT BETTER FOR HIM TO BE THERE THAN IT IS FOR ME TO BE WITH HIM? WILL HE ACCOMPLISH MORE WITHOUT ME? IS IT BETTER FOR HIM TO STAY THERE AND CONTINUE THE FIGHT FROM THAT ARENA? I WOULD LIKE TO THINK THAT HE WOULD CONTINUE THE FIGHT FROM WHATEVER ARENA HE IS IN.

GOD I THINK I'M MAD AT YOU. YOU CAN HANDLE MY ANGER BUT CAN I HANDLE BEING ANGRY WITH YOU? I DONT LIKE BEING ANGRY WITH YOU? i NEED TO GET IT OFF MY CHEST AND MOVE ON. I DONT WANT TO BE ANGRY WITH YOU GOD BUT I AM.

 MY ANGER IS TO SAY TO YOU WHY DO YOU ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN? DON'T YOU SEE THE PAIN THAT IS CAUSED. WHY DO YOU LET THIS HAPPEN?

 IS THIS WHAT IS SUPPOSE TO HAPPEN? I DOUBT IT.

 WHAT IS THE PROBLEM? SHOULDN'T I BE ABLE TO ASK HIM A SIMPLE QUESTION? SHOULDN'T I INVITE HIM TO DINNER?  DONT I HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE IN THE COMPANY OF A MAN WHO LIKES ME? MUST I BE ALONE? AM I CHOOSING TO BE ALONE, IF SO THEN I WANT TO STOP CHOOSING TO BE ALONE.

WHAT'S THE STOPPER? LET'S GO OVER SOME OF THE THINGS THAT HAVE MADE ME QUESTION OR DELAY. LET'S BRAINSTORM...ANYTHING AT ALL THAT HAS BRISTLED ME IN THE PAST......

NO THANK YOU FOR PRESENTS OR CARD.

NEVER RETURNS MY PHONE CALLS

THERE'S NO RESPONSE TO MY JOURNAL OR EMAILS

TOO MANY WOMEN

THERE IS NO RESPONSE TO ME EXCEPT THROUGH SERMONS AND BIBLE STUDY. ITS VERY ONE WAY. WHAT DOES HE WANT, A BIG OUTBURST IN CHURCH OR BIBLE STUDY. A BIG DEMONSTRATIVE SHOWING. SOME KIND OF HUGE RESPONSE? SOME KIND OF RESPONSE IN GENERAL?

HE LEAVES THIS RELATIONSHIP UP TO ME TO MAKE IT WORK OR HAPPEN.IF I DON'T DO SOMETHING IT WONT HAPPEN. WHY IS EVERYTHING ON ME AS FAR AS COMMUNICATION AND EVERYTHING ELSE.

HE SAYS THINGS THAT ARE MEAN SOMETIMES HE HURTS MY FEEINGS.

 WILL I BE TOO SENSITIVE FOR HIM? IF HE HURTS MY FEELINGS ENOUGH I WONT WANT HIM. HE CAN BE MEAN SOMETIMES, BUT WHO ISN'T SOMETIMES. HE CARES, HE SHOWS THAT IN BIG WAYS. CAN HE HANDLE SHOWING HE CARES IN LITTLE WAYS?

WILL WE ARGUE A LOT? WILL IT BECOME A CONSTANT BATTLE?

WHAT MUST HE THINK OF ME NOW?

HOW CAN I TRANSITION FROM NOT TALKING TO TALKING AND STILL FEEL RESPECTED.

HE MUST THINK I'M WEAK.

HE THINKS, HE THINKS, HELL, I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE THINKS AND HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT I THINK. ITS ALL IN MY HEAD. ITS JUST MY IMAGINATION. RUNNING AWAY WITH ME.

THIS IS ALL JUST TALK RIGHT NOW.

 I HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING TO HIM NOW AND I HAVE TO CHOSE WISELY.

NOT REALLY. I'M MAD AT YOU GOD, I'M MAD THAT I AM IN THIS SITUATION.I'M MAD AT GOD FOR PUTTING ME IN THIS SITUATION.

I'M MAD. I'M BLAMING GOD AND I'M MAD.

I TYPED THIS AND THOUGHT I WOULD ERASE IT AND TYPE SOMETHING NICE AND CUTE I JUST WANTED TO GET MY FEELINGS OUT, WHAT EVER IT WAS JUST CLEAR THE AIR. THATS WHAT THIS WAS SUPPOSE TO BE FOR ME. SOMETHING TO CLEAR THE AIR, CLEAR MY MIND AND GET RID OF SOME THOUGHTS THAT WERE CLOUDING MY MIND.

BUT NOW THAT I HAVE REACHED THIS POINT AND NOTHING HAS REALLY CHANGED OR COME CLEAR TO ME

I THINK I HAVE REACHE A PLATEAU. I KNOW IM FED UP. I THINK ILL JUST HIT THE SEND BUTTON. WHAT DIFFERENCE WILL IT MAKE, YOU'LL JUST SAY SOMETHING ABOUT IT IN BIBLE STUDY AND LIFE WILL GO ON. LIFE WILL GO ON. WHAT WILL BE WILL BE.