What

I cant say anything nice

I cant say anything bad

I am not going to tell you that I cry every night because I don't know what to say. I want to talk to you and I seem to be at an impasse. I cry going home. Why? I don't want to hurt you. I am not hurting you with out hurting myself.  Am I crazy?

I was reading my journal tonight before bible study and found that I started this journal in 2004. Four years ago and I was saying the same thing then as I am saying now. Nothing has changed. Not one thing. We are no different today than where we were over four years ago. That was disheartening. Is there something that I can see, touch, identify, know that is my problem. I felt that after four years I should see some improvement. With you talking about sin and identifying it a something necessary that we have to identify and reconcile our lives with I struggle with that. I know I have sin. I just haven't identified the big sin. I don't don the obvious sin. I don't have sex now or for the past twenty years, I m not smoking anything and haven't for at least 7 years, drinking is something I still do. Not in excess, I don't think. Let me examine that more closely. Its not everyday, I'm not having more than one drink a night when I drink. What am I getting out of the drink. I thought about giving it up for my weight management. I think I might if I am wondering about it.

I need to reach out and get a handle on the problem that obviously faces me. I have one good thing and that's the fact that even though I am sad about this being over four years long, it has been over four years long and we are still trying to battle this cancer this horrible problem. I need counseling and I said I would get it but then didn't, but now I really will make the appointment. Praise the Lord, we are still struggling to make this work after four years. My God, is that dedication, can I see the commitment on my part to really wanting this to work. Can I give you what you need? Will I be able to show you the proof you need, the necessary physical evidence that will guide you and give you security? Lets ponder on that tonight. Good Night.