Good Night

 

Me, God's Treasure?

What if I do something wrong, and you don't like it?

What if I am not the right woman for you?

What if you leave me?

What if you return to your other woman?

What if the people hate me for having a relationship with you?

What if you do do something to hurt me, will I forgive you?

What if I do do something to hurt you, will you forgive me?

What if I unknowingly distract you?

What do I need to do? Create my C.V., my resume, my autobiography so that everything I have ever done can be analyzed and dissected so that I am truly open and you know everything.

Will I receive the truth about the situations and change?

Should I even be discussing this? Of course I have had many different counseling sessions about different phases of my life. I am not naive enough to think that I can do anything all by myself. While I might want to sometimes, I know I can't.

Fear/Concern One:

What if I you are a violent man. I know that my mother's second husband was a violent man and she was beaten regularly. We had to move out in the middle of the night when he had gone to his night job. He was the one that took me to civil rights meetings with Dr. King and Jesse Jackson. He introduced me to civil right and social justice issues at a young age. He never had any problems before and he was just the nicest man otherwise. What if I upset you so that you become a violent man. 

While my father and I have a decent relationship now it wasn't always like that and he gets on my nerves regularly now. He is not perfect at all. He gambles too much. He's a packrat to the extreme.  He probably has the onset of Alzheimers settling in and he refuses to address that. He and my mother divorced when I was one and he saw us when he felt like it. I don't have idolized views of him as the perfect man. He's probably more generous to me now because he knows I'm the only one to help him now. He's burned so many bridges with the rest of the family. Somebody has to do it and I can't just ignore him.

I went to St. Elizabeth for kindergarten- most memorable experience ther was that my wraparound skirt fell while I was at the front of the class and I stood there and cried. The nun came and tied it back up.

First grade- Corpus Christi School-Sister Rosemary, I loved her. She taught me to love learning. I wanted to be a nun after that year.

Second grade- Sister Rosemary again- learned a lot- wanted to be a nun.

Third grade- Lay teacher- young and pretty, didnt want to be a nun anymore, just a teacher.

Fourth grade- Sister Amadaeus- uneventful.

Fifth grade-Ms Rucker- uneventful

Sixth grade- Lay teacher-African male, cant remember his name.Year my mother's boyfriend tried to come on to me but was unsuccessful.I told and he left town.

That's about as far as I can go for tonight. Let's just take it in chunks.

Everytime I leave your its like my skin is being scraped raw. I am an emotional mess and its always a tearful ride home.

" Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more importatn than foo, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worring can add a single hour to his life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat? or 'What shall we drink? or 'What shall we wear? For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:25-34