Trust

My problem is that I dont think I can trust. I feel that everything I do is examined and dissected. I put a picture on my journal and its automatically thought to be spirit worshiping or worshipping the moon. I found a couple of a different race and I included it. I looked at the horoscopes and put it on my aol homepage and then I am thought to be worshipping other things. I dont even read horoscope anymore. I just put it there to have something to put there. Pointless but now important. I feel every thing I do now is cognizant of some greater picture, role in the future. My future. Loyalty is wher God has directed me in the scriptures today.  The book of Ruth.  I know whose I am. I know who I am. I am a child of God in love with a man of God. With or without a symbol of commitment, I know who I am commited to. I have been alone for over fourteen years, I dont have any problems keeping men away. Thats probably my problem now, I so good at it I dont know how to bring them closer, to have an up close and personal relationship, its been so long. I have a purse that has the american flag on it and then I am lectured about the values of america and how its wrong for me to have the flag purse. I smoked pot (long ago) and the next sermon is on what people do in private, like smoke pot.  I seem to do everything wrong. I would like to hope that we could continue with a shared vision, I just dont know what to do or how to do it. I just keep plugging along and pray for the best. Sometimes I wonder what you see in me. I just cant ask you for assistance. I know thats a breakthrough for me. How can I expect to ever establish a relationship with you if I cant as you for help. Even in the pastoral role of just offering advice on where I can go for help. What I can do. Who I can ask.Can I accept advice from you? I feel like everything I do is wrong. Why cant I ask you. Its a problem with trust. I think you will think poorly of me. I dont know how to take care of my life. I mismanage funds. I'm dishonest. After all I shouldnt be in this predicament if I knew what I was doing. I just cant. Thats why God wont open any other door for me but the one thru you. What am I to do. Why must I do that? It was hard for me to open up my heart, now I am suppose to open up my needs? If I dont the relationship will fail. I know this. How do I do this?  I've taken care of me for so long I dont know how to let another take care of me. I just dont know. I cant fathom this.I'm not ready yet. Too much of me is still there, I need more of God. Let these nine days be days of reflection on how to do this. No pictures, no quotes just me.

I believe in your vision of going for the gold for the school. Your olymic torch was great. One of the students asked me when my DePaul teacher if I was going for the gold, I said yes. You inspire so many people. The staff, children and parents love you. I like to thought of being together, mission and vision together. Achieving good things in peoples lives and our own lives.