Revelation

                                                      

                               

                            

I missed my church yesterday. I listened to the sermon and was at first pleased, then surprised and then a revelation occurred.

Two verses/themes/stories that God always seems to refer me to all the time are, The Book of Esther, and The Prodigal Son.The Book of Esther is always at the beginning where the old Queen is called to the King and she doesn't go. I was first taken to this section when I was in the divorcing process during 1985, 1986, divorce final May, 1987. I was asking God to heal my marriage and keep us together for the children, while the devil was busy sending my ex further and further into the drug and alcohol world. I couldnt understand why God was taking me to this section. I didnt see it as a blessing for me. I saw it as an arrogant man calling his wife to prance in front of his drunk friends and she refused and she was rejected and banished All because the King couldnt have his friends see him upstaged by a woman. I saw a man who replaced his wife with a younger, prettier model and we never hear from her again. I was going through a divorce. I was not about to see a light at the end of my tunnel and I could not see that as being inspirational in any sense or form. My ex had a new girlfriend and I was old news.

 I'm able to see that in a different light now, but then I was not. The message God had for me was that I needed to move on, there was someone better for me. I had never hear of you. I left Chicago in 1977, joined the Navy, travelled the world and returned in 1989. In 1989 (fyi another 3 cubed year 1+9+8+9) I moved in with my grandfather and began sending my children to St. John De La Salle. Because family mass and mass in general became a priority for me to incorporate into my children's lives I began to attend most Sundays. One Sunday while I was writing a grocery list or what ever else I did while going through the motions of mass, you appeared. I didn't know you nor had I ever heard you preach before. I knew nothing about you. All I knew was that you were loud. I couldn't figure out what it was you had to say that you needed to shout about. God wanted me to take notice and remember. I did. I didn't start at St. Sabina then  I would gradually attend every now and then. We transferred to St. Dorothy and the youth group began uniting with the local churches and the events would bring the three churches together sometimes. I began attending regularly in 1995 when I switched jobs. That summer was the hottest on record for me. Many elderly through out Chicago died that year and the church was just hot, hot, hot, but you preached on pitching a tent and not making that your permant place. I remember that and I stayed in that church. I continued to stay and the next summer I think you preached about the eagle during bible study. That was so inspirational. I went to Galena that summer and bought an eagle key ring. We stayed at Chestnut Mountain where we were able to see eagles fly because we were so high up. I loved the analogies of building the nest with comfort and discomfort to encourage leaving the nest. I enjoyed the slide show about the eagles soaring. That was such a good series. I loved it.

Things continued to grow and finally the liking turned to something else. I was celibate, hadn't been fooling around. Keeping myself away from the nonsense and distractions of the world. I was raising my children to be great little christians and I was going to work everyday and devoting my life to them. Well bam, when the oldest graduated from high school in 2000 her father came to see her graduate. He had his other daughter from his second marriage with him then and that marriage had ended in divorce also. I was fine with them coming, I was a christian, I had gotten over him, I had moved on with my life. My girls went out to visit him every summer in Idaho for two to three months every year, we were civil to each other, and I was used to the relationship with the stepsister and half sister. His ex and I are friendly. I was so grounded I knew his coming wasn't going to be a problem with me. I told him if he left his drugs at home and was nice to my mother he could stay at our house.

Well needless to say he stayed, brought pot, and because of the antics the girls were doing I smoked some with him. That just sent me on a downward spiral. He began to question why I hadn't married, where was my man, whats all this religion stuff, and said that I had turned into an old maid. I knew it was the devil but the devil sends that which he knows you are vurnerable too. My ex knew the buttons to push and what to say to upset my nice and neat constructed reality.

I sent him on his way and I decided I was going to find me a man. I pushed it from my mind that what we had was real. I convinced myself that I what we had was just one sided and that I wasnt living in real world,  I was just imagining a connection and that I needed to get real. So I joined an upscale dating service to find me a real, tangible, relationship with a man. Needless to say that wasnt God's choice for me. I didn't seek God's advice on the matter and he didnt show up to offer advice either. God let me go down that road but he didnt let me screw up everything. That was me trying to manipulate the situation. It was a disaster. But God didnt let me lose my virginity so I'm thankful for that. After fooling around with that for a few months I came back to the church fulltime again in 2001. Your press conference.

I say all of this to refer back to yesterday's sermon. You talked about sexuality and pornorgraphy. I said to myself as I was listening, "well this doesn't pertain to me, I'm not having sex, and haven't had sex since 1989", but then God made me realize that all of the desires that I thought were longings or just ways to "love" you were wrong. It wasn't pure. It wasn't him. I hadn't sought out his advice in this matter. Sex had been a way I manipulated others in a relationship, whether by witholding it or relinquishing it. The devil was trying to have me reduce our relationship tojust sexual desires. Oh I need you, oh you need to satisfy my needs, etc. God showed me that I needed to think differently about that with you. Sex was not going to be a manipulating factor for us.

I had been hung up on the fact that you were a Cat.Prt. I felt that you weren't available for love. Sort of like how children think that teachers live at school and don't have a life outside of the school. I couldn't even think of you as a sexual being. I couldn't wrap my mind around you having sex. When I did think of you as human, the devil would pervert my thinking to reduce my desire and need for you to a sexual relationship that needed to be fulfilled in order for us to be whole. Don't get me wrong, I know that husband and wife are able to enjoy the gift of sexual healing that God had bestowed upon their relationship, the Songs of Solomon express that clearly, but I also know that the world has perverted sex to the extreme that its truly unhealthy and detrimental outside the realms of marriage.

I never wanted to have any indiscretion related to you that included me. I knew that you were an honorable man and I was not going to put you in an uncompromising situation and I felt you would never put me in one. I just didn't know how to think of you in a sexual way. I realized that my thoughts had gotten sexual. The devil was having images and suggestions come into my mind that I was allowing due to my misconception that I thought those things were part of my love for you. Wrong. When I realized I could subdue the thoughts and move and still be in love with you,  I felt a revelation. I was an overcomer. I will not let the deveil pervert or soil in anyway this relationship. Thank you for opening my eyes once again.

I am still in love, God has opened another door. The devil is and always shall be a liar.