Hello

Choice.
My coice was to write a journal abou my feelings, thoughts and emotions about the things going on in my life. How I love and need Our Lord and Savior in my life andmy battle, my journey to stay on the path with God as my Leader and Master. My choice was to say that I loved a man. Wanted that man, needed that man in my life. Chose to write about that man and how I feel about him in my journal. I asked God to help me love him. Show me the way. Allow me to be happy and in love. Well, years later and many many journal entries later, I am still on that same quest. That same journey. But I have to look at where I am now, what is apparent and what is still elusive.
I HAVE A CHOICE. CHOICE. I am choosing to be in this situation. We make choice in our lives that affect who we are and what we shall become. We don't get into heaven by our deeds but then, we do have to treat others the way we want to be treated. We have to love one another as we love ourselves. We must care for the least. We are caregivers.
Its what in our hearts that is constantly checked and double checked. What are our true intentions? Do we have selfish gain on our minds, are we taking care of ourselves so we can take care of others? So with this miraculous choice I am asking for and wanting one thing and doing another.
This is like addict behavior. I want to be one way but for what ever reason I am not. How do they treat addicts? Intervention, rehab? Where do I go for intervention and rehab? I went to counseling and that was not helpful, If I followed his advice, I would have left the church and never returned.
Is it because I am scared that the task is too great. Do I doubt God that this is really for me? Do I believe we really have a future together? Am I choosing this life situation? If I have control to not talk then I must have control to talk. Well why do I keep saying I want to talk, to communicate more and then nothing happens. I'm tired of nothing happening.
Every day I sit at this computer to write. Every day. Lately, I just do not know what to say. I feel like I have said it all.
I Don't know where to go from here. I'm at an impasse. You have had such a year. You don't need this drama. I feel ridiculous. So I just keep doing the same old thing. Helping, volunteering, taking care of others and praying that maybe, just maybe some good fortune will happen for me in this area. Maybe God will show some kindness for me.
So this year I will not take on more responsibility. I will finish this National Board in March. I will then not take on any new projects, tasks or anything new. I will devote myself to developing my spiritual gifts, spending more time on my life. I will of course still have my care giving duties but I will try to limit them as much as possible.
Maybe I'm burned out right now and just depleted.
Why this one area? Why? Today I just had a mustard seed of faith. I am tired of nothing. But I said OK Lord, just keep on going.What to do now? Keep getting up. Keep facing him until one day its more than just hi and goodbye. So be blessed today and be a blessing.