Today

I believe God loves me but I wonder what he was thinking about me and the lesson  that I have to learn.  I am only human.  

I am arrogant(I just don't like a lot of people bothering me, I have so much on my plate, it just seems overwhelming sometimes, I just want to be left alone to recuperate but that never seems to happen, especially now that I have a little one in the house, his momma, my momma and poppa, my brother, and my other daughter (who's now leaving to go to Seattle), have low self-esteem (not too low though, I am high maintenance to a certain degree), bitter(about what???), angry(with who????), hate men(I really don't think I hate men, I believe I love them, a lot, I just haven't trusted my heart to them, but I am willing) , unwilling to let people get close(true, true, but for very good reasons, trust issues again, who doesn't learn from their mistakes), stubborn(I'm fifty years old, I have a right to be stubborn ) and disobedient (well I try to follow God's will) so I wonder , why bother with me, I know you are frustrated and tired, I heard it in your voice.

 Do yourself a favor and just give up, no one will think less of you, move on, take on a new hobby, get another pet, go on a beautiful wonderful vacation, but what ever you do don't wait on this messed up girl. I am at a loss.

I don't know what to say or do to make this better. I don't know how to fix it. We seem to go through the motions. Now we are just oblivious to one another. My heart jumps when you are near. Nothing has changed. We are farther apart than ever.

 What do we build on now? I suppose we can go back to the basics. The journal was a first, it seem to strengthen and define. Then tear down and divide.  We need to build up and no matter what find some peace. On the one had we say we want this we believe in this and we gotta have this, we need each other to make sense of the whole thing.

On the other hand its no talking, no communicating, no contact and we have nothing to show for our efforts but a desire. I dont want to leave an encounter with you where we are not talking and interacting. I want to acknowledge great respect and honor and love. I want a difference. I want to see more than what we have right now. I believe in trying again. But the try is just in words lately.

The time is running out. We have no promises on our future. Time is running out.

 What is in the past is in the past. there comes a moment when you decide that this is it and I am going to give it my all. No holdback, no assumptions, just give it what you have. Another encounter where we are not any closer than we were before the encounter. How does that happen? We are more focused on just going with the routine, not changing anything and keeping everything just the same. Dont mess with the status quo. From my heart, I want the change, I want the declaration, I want the challenge to love and be loved. From my mind, I keep believing that every encounter holds potential to be the new beginning.