A dark day and a brilliant end.

I ask God to teach me what it is like to live spiritually in a secular world.  Teach me to know what faith is. What is true love. I cry when I think of  it being a possibility in my life. I feel blessed to know that love has found me. I tremble at the thought of feeling safe and secure with a man who is a man's man. When I let myself think along those thoughts, and more, I cry and cry and cry. 

How easy it is to believe that you really like being alone. You fool yourself into thinking everything is ok. I can live like this forever. But when a whiff of something different comes in, your world, as you have known it and adjusted to it, is changes forever. You have an uncomfortable urge for something more. Everything looks different now. The thought of me wanting to be there for someone else who I know is there for me. During the good times and the bad. Knowing that you are there right now is making me cry. I'm crying right now.

I think God is waiting for me to realize that you are willing to step up to the plate and make a commitment for the long haul. Not the easiest thing to do. You don't bail out when the going gets tough. You don't give up, even when I'm acting crazy, you believe there's something special about us and its worth fighting for.

I woke up this morning at 4:30 to the sound of birds chirping and I could see the moonlight coming in through the blinds. I wonder if the birds wake up singing until the are fed. I say that because they are singing again and its 7:10 so why are they singing again. But then again, why not, if you can sing, sing. I just wish they would find a new tree to sing in. I love to hear them sometimes but not everyday, all day.

I have to go in four days this week, from 10-4p. Curriculum Mapping Meetings. The way they are firing teachers you dont want to say no when they ask for something extra from you. Its crazy the way you dont know if you have a job or not. They say I'll be back next year but what room, what grade, who knows.  You just keep going like none of this matters when it really does.

I will be in Seattle the weekend of July 23rd. Isn't that interesting that we both have children who live in Seattle? We have to get them together. Lizzie and Jarrod are always looking to meet positive young black professionals. I will be there on the weekend that I am scheduled to read. I'm disappointed in that. I love being on the altar. Any time I am closer to you, its a good day.

I had thought about hiking up the base of Mt. Rainier but after talking to a couple of people, it would be just my luck to slip, fall, twist my ankle (which is already injured), get lost or left behind, be eaten by a bear, have an allergy attack or just a host of other possibilities.  So I decided to go Whale Watching. I'm safe, on a boat, no chance of being eaten by a whale. My vacation time will be over soon enough. I want to have at least one adventure that I have not ever done before on my bucket list.

Time to get ready for my meeting. I stopped crying and I am relaxed. I move forward knowing that I will see you on Wednesday.

My bible reading this morning was Daniel 11:36-12:13. A dark day and a brilliant end.