Have I Settled?

Have I settled for a life that is not what God wants for me? My idea of a relationship that is supportive of each other. Cherishing the time that they are together. Waiting to be together. Wanting to be together. Wanting to know what the other is doing, where they are, and can't wait to be with that person because it makes your world complete. You want to be able to wake up with them, whether they are paralyzed, sick or just fine. You want to communicate with them and so every time there's a decision to be made they are a part of it and input is sought and sometimes given whether it is sought out or not. You can love each other through the fights and never, ever go to bed angry. You forgive and decide that no matter how you may disagree on something, you are always together and will always be together and nothing will separate you or change your mind about that person.

But the reality is different. I have to pretend that I have not blown a wonderful chance with you. I have to pretend that there was not a Sunday afternoon, years ago, where we were in the basement hall, and you got down on one knee, when we were dancing with different partners, who meant nothing, but a distraction, and I didn't jump at the opportunity to have a life. That was in 2005. Pre dad, pre baby, pre daughter move in. Now my days are spent raising a grandchild, caring for aging, depressed, arthritic parents, and trying to encourage a daughter to complete a five year pharmacy program with less than two years down in the whole thing. Working at a crazy place that is truly challenging to me and over my head in meaness. Something that is necessary to work in this area and be successful. So this is my reality.

I can never give up on you. I will not give up on you. Its not been easy, we are like a couple in world war II. Writing letters to each other, only I am doing all of the writing. I don't get a response and I feel like I am talking to myself sometimes which is why I need you to be the one making the effort to do a scripture a day. I look for some communication from you daily. Daily I need to hear from you, touch your heart, know that you are mine and I am yours. But I know that isn't happening and I grow weary. I think you are more interested in the people you see and talk to every day. They are able to comfort you and make you happy. You see them everyday. Me, I'm once or twice a week and that seems to be enough for you. I'm just not satisfied with that. I don't stop hoping for more. I want to encourage you, strengthen you and let you know you are loved today and always. I do love you and will always love you.

Its a conversation on my mind. I have to talk about it and get it off my chest. Be Blessed and Be a Blessing to someone.