Consistent or Inconsistent

God are my plans your plans? How do I know? How do I know what is your plan?

God you have me in a strange place right now. I am at a true crossroads in my life.

I have been in this sort of limbo since January.

I struggled with my knee, my classroom, my home life, until the point where I felt I couldn't do what I was doing and call it healthy.

So I pulled away, left the job, but didn't leave, just went on medical leave, don't want to close the door completely, I need that job,or so I think, and I found that there was more confusion then calm at home. Why all of the sudden, the other women of the house are at home too? That's just not right. What happen to my plan for some rest and relaxation? Now we are all here, every day. What the heck happened here? So much for my plans. I should have known I couldn't plan time for myself.

Out of one crazy situation into another.

I guess God wants me to know, this is not it either.

So now I pray for strength to go back, tolerate the situation, find a new position, stretch for the doctorate, or truly stretch and open up to the relationship, make a move, allow all the trust in and the nonsense out, believe.

I ask you God, is it truly a situation of either this or that?

Am I at this point in my life because I need to be free to make that decision with out the distractions of a job/career.

Can I give up what I think is my career, that isnt really a career, just a path to retirement.

So then what? Do I just sit here? What do I do? What do I do right now?

I say that I am ready to submit to what God wants me to submit to? Do I really believe that God wants me to submit to him? Does he really believe God wants him to make this change in his life? Is he really ready to commit?

I feel he says its a lot of waiting and not right now, and I just need to do one more thing before I commit to you. As if I am the problem. Life doesn't stop with me.

According to God, we begin a new life and future, one in which we both are committing to the unknown. One where our future is to work together, enhancing and enriching the Kingdom of God, together. Building a New World, blazing a future that continues to uplift and confront and bless mankind like never before.  It's above and beyond, but isn't that what God would want us to believe. Especially if we believe he wants this.

A relationship isn't worth something unless both parties have something of value to give up. You could stay where you are and I can stay where I am but what kind of relationship is that, oh I know, that's what we have been doing so far.

Cautious and reserved. Judging whether the sacrifice is too great. We both have to make this leap. Do I say yes and wait. Do I say yes and keep doing what I planned or thought about before, or until he makes a move? Do I make a move? What kind of move? What do I do that will show submission? I want to make the first move, No I want you to make the first move, I want to make the right move. What ever has to be done, I want to do it.

I DON'T BELIEVE I AM AT HOME ONLY BECAUSE OF MY SURGERY, IT WASN'T THAT BAD. GOD NEEDED ME TO STOP WHAT I WAS DOING.

I think God wanted my attention.

Look at this mess you have gotten yourself into. What are you going to do about it? I believe God wants me to do something and needed my full attention.

Get rid of the job distractions, get rid of the superficial church stuff, sit your butt down and listen to me. Listen to me, talk to me, meditate on my word, struggle on my meaning and wrestle with the real problem.

THAT WHICH YOU HAVE AVOIDED, FACE IT, NOW. Face him, deal with him, admit your love, submit to him, trust him and you show that you trust me.

Do I trust God to take care of me? Do I trust God to guide me to a safe relationship? I wrestle with control. Stay in the job, protect myself, who knows what the future will bring.  Retirement is closer than you think. But age is just a number. God wants us to live long healthy lives.

I feel if I stay in the job, I lose my future. So then what. Submit to the unknown. Submit to the uncertain.

Submit to God's will.

So WHAT AM I SAYING, God doesn't want me to have an income, that's not it, God can provide. Will God provide by the next mortgage payment, that's when feel the need for control and I want to make sure there will be a payment. Just sit here and wait until....until what? There's that uncertainty. How will I survive?

I am not confident enough that my well being will be provided for in these hard times. I don't want to struggle but then I am struggling anyway. I have no real control over anything. So I submit.

I cant seem to make a right decision on anything else but submitting to you. So I truly say not my will but your will. So my thoughts go between returning to work next month and just sucking it up and hating every moment of it. Or do I convince myself to rely on the possibility of a new future and just submit myself to believing that my blessing is now and reach for it and take it. Believe in God's blessing. God is for my spirit. God blesses my spirit to be calm and loving. God gives me the tools to understand mankind.

My physical body and well being are also for God and I have to trust and believe, believe that my God will provide for the physical as well as the spiritual. I don't know what I will do. I say one thing and do another. Lord I pray for consistency. Let my word be my bond because if mistrust and misgivings and misunderstandings are all that I have in me then this is a waste of time and I don't want to consider any time spent in reflection with God a waste.

  I say I have opened up to the relationship, but I always show caution and reserve. I always seem to fail at the crucial moment. I can't say one thing and do another. Don't let the fact that nothing happens change my mind to think that nothing will ever happen. So if this is my future Lord, help me get there. Help me hold on to my future. Help Me Lord.

No foolishness, no games, just sincere submission. I am letting go of stuff that I thought I needed and I am releasing myself to you and your will. Lord I know you are there. You have kept me struggling with this for a very long time. Today alone I have been up since 5am, struggling with this in my heart. I pray that I have come to the end of this struggle. I pray for an answer, a change, something to let me know that this struggle is in the past and I am moving on to the next challenge. The next blessing.