Field Trip

 

                                         

 

                                      I'm going to see Tommy Tenney tonight.

Revelation

                                                      

                               

                            

I missed my church yesterday. I listened to the sermon and was at first pleased, then surprised and then a revelation occurred.

Two verses/themes/stories that God always seems to refer me to all the time are, The Book of Esther, and The Prodigal Son.The Book of Esther is always at the beginning where the old Queen is called to the King and she doesn't go. I was first taken to this section when I was in the divorcing process during 1985, 1986, divorce final May, 1987. I was asking God to heal my marriage and keep us together for the children, while the devil was busy sending my ex further and further into the drug and alcohol world. I couldnt understand why God was taking me to this section. I didnt see it as a blessing for me. I saw it as an arrogant man calling his wife to prance in front of his drunk friends and she refused and she was rejected and banished All because the King couldnt have his friends see him upstaged by a woman. I saw a man who replaced his wife with a younger, prettier model and we never hear from her again. I was going through a divorce. I was not about to see a light at the end of my tunnel and I could not see that as being inspirational in any sense or form. My ex had a new girlfriend and I was old news.

 I'm able to see that in a different light now, but then I was not. The message God had for me was that I needed to move on, there was someone better for me. I had never hear of you. I left Chicago in 1977, joined the Navy, travelled the world and returned in 1989. In 1989 (fyi another 3 cubed year 1+9+8+9) I moved in with my grandfather and began sending my children to St. John De La Salle. Because family mass and mass in general became a priority for me to incorporate into my children's lives I began to attend most Sundays. One Sunday while I was writing a grocery list or what ever else I did while going through the motions of mass, you appeared. I didn't know you nor had I ever heard you preach before. I knew nothing about you. All I knew was that you were loud. I couldn't figure out what it was you had to say that you needed to shout about. God wanted me to take notice and remember. I did. I didn't start at St. Sabina then  I would gradually attend every now and then. We transferred to St. Dorothy and the youth group began uniting with the local churches and the events would bring the three churches together sometimes. I began attending regularly in 1995 when I switched jobs. That summer was the hottest on record for me. Many elderly through out Chicago died that year and the church was just hot, hot, hot, but you preached on pitching a tent and not making that your permant place. I remember that and I stayed in that church. I continued to stay and the next summer I think you preached about the eagle during bible study. That was so inspirational. I went to Galena that summer and bought an eagle key ring. We stayed at Chestnut Mountain where we were able to see eagles fly because we were so high up. I loved the analogies of building the nest with comfort and discomfort to encourage leaving the nest. I enjoyed the slide show about the eagles soaring. That was such a good series. I loved it.

Things continued to grow and finally the liking turned to something else. I was celibate, hadn't been fooling around. Keeping myself away from the nonsense and distractions of the world. I was raising my children to be great little christians and I was going to work everyday and devoting my life to them. Well bam, when the oldest graduated from high school in 2000 her father came to see her graduate. He had his other daughter from his second marriage with him then and that marriage had ended in divorce also. I was fine with them coming, I was a christian, I had gotten over him, I had moved on with my life. My girls went out to visit him every summer in Idaho for two to three months every year, we were civil to each other, and I was used to the relationship with the stepsister and half sister. His ex and I are friendly. I was so grounded I knew his coming wasn't going to be a problem with me. I told him if he left his drugs at home and was nice to my mother he could stay at our house.

Well needless to say he stayed, brought pot, and because of the antics the girls were doing I smoked some with him. That just sent me on a downward spiral. He began to question why I hadn't married, where was my man, whats all this religion stuff, and said that I had turned into an old maid. I knew it was the devil but the devil sends that which he knows you are vurnerable too. My ex knew the buttons to push and what to say to upset my nice and neat constructed reality.

I sent him on his way and I decided I was going to find me a man. I pushed it from my mind that what we had was real. I convinced myself that I what we had was just one sided and that I wasnt living in real world,  I was just imagining a connection and that I needed to get real. So I joined an upscale dating service to find me a real, tangible, relationship with a man. Needless to say that wasnt God's choice for me. I didn't seek God's advice on the matter and he didnt show up to offer advice either. God let me go down that road but he didnt let me screw up everything. That was me trying to manipulate the situation. It was a disaster. But God didnt let me lose my virginity so I'm thankful for that. After fooling around with that for a few months I came back to the church fulltime again in 2001. Your press conference.

I say all of this to refer back to yesterday's sermon. You talked about sexuality and pornorgraphy. I said to myself as I was listening, "well this doesn't pertain to me, I'm not having sex, and haven't had sex since 1989", but then God made me realize that all of the desires that I thought were longings or just ways to "love" you were wrong. It wasn't pure. It wasn't him. I hadn't sought out his advice in this matter. Sex had been a way I manipulated others in a relationship, whether by witholding it or relinquishing it. The devil was trying to have me reduce our relationship tojust sexual desires. Oh I need you, oh you need to satisfy my needs, etc. God showed me that I needed to think differently about that with you. Sex was not going to be a manipulating factor for us.

I had been hung up on the fact that you were a Cat.Prt. I felt that you weren't available for love. Sort of like how children think that teachers live at school and don't have a life outside of the school. I couldn't even think of you as a sexual being. I couldn't wrap my mind around you having sex. When I did think of you as human, the devil would pervert my thinking to reduce my desire and need for you to a sexual relationship that needed to be fulfilled in order for us to be whole. Don't get me wrong, I know that husband and wife are able to enjoy the gift of sexual healing that God had bestowed upon their relationship, the Songs of Solomon express that clearly, but I also know that the world has perverted sex to the extreme that its truly unhealthy and detrimental outside the realms of marriage.

I never wanted to have any indiscretion related to you that included me. I knew that you were an honorable man and I was not going to put you in an uncompromising situation and I felt you would never put me in one. I just didn't know how to think of you in a sexual way. I realized that my thoughts had gotten sexual. The devil was having images and suggestions come into my mind that I was allowing due to my misconception that I thought those things were part of my love for you. Wrong. When I realized I could subdue the thoughts and move and still be in love with you,  I felt a revelation. I was an overcomer. I will not let the deveil pervert or soil in anyway this relationship. Thank you for opening my eyes once again.

I am still in love, God has opened another door. The devil is and always shall be a liar.

Waiting

I'm waiting for my mother to return so we can go down to Champaign for my baby's birthday. This is her 21st year. Its special to her. My mom, my dad, my daughter and me.

I'm also waiting for the webcast of St. Sabina to come on. Its 11:30 and its still not on yet? Why?

I will have to catch the snippets when I get home this evening.

Thank you Lord for waking me up this morning. Thank you lord for allowing me to see another day. Thank your for protecting my journey home last night and the night before in that terrible storm. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Dear lord if you would take a moment and dispatch an angel to protect our journey down to Champaign and back I again give my thanks. I bless your holy name and I love you lord. I am in love with you. I worship you for who you are and what you have done for us. If you never do another thing again I will worship you until my last breath. Lord I love you. While I am not in your house of worship today you are constantly on my mind and I will reverence in yur glory all of today. I love you, I love you, I love you.

3x3x3

 

                                          

What a day. I'm going to write anyway. Faith. Faith in you and faith in me. Faith keeps us strong. I walk by faith and not by sight. Nothing has changed my feelings and I will still love you no matter what. I know what the number 1998 means now. 1+9+9+8=27 which =3 cubed or 3x3x3. The number three... I guess I will see you next week.

The children are really very interesting. I can't wait until I'm there every day.

So I guess these are reflections, ponders and wonders. I have to get back to the level of care for my thoughts and emotions that I had before I realized you might be aware of my journal writings. These ramblings have served me well and I look forward to writing when I can. I think its best you dont respond.

A response would turn this into a chat. But then a response would also validate tow way  communication. HMMMMM. Lets think about that for a while.

What am I to Do Lord??

                                        

The truth shall set you free.

I never would have said any of those things to your face so I guess it is ok that they were said now.

God wants me to know that the old way that I handled relationships was not going to be the way this one is handled.

I believe God was not going to let me talk to you with some ying yang, flip flop, junky talk. He wasn't about to allow his goal go by the way side. I would have said something foolish and you would have been like, I dont think so. You would say something irritating to me and I would be like I dont think so. This way, the truth is out in the open. Somewhat.

                                      

Of all the Gin Joints in All the World You Walk into Mine

 

                                            

 

I know what he means....of all the journals in all the world you read mine... I just started it this month.. I don't even use my AOL account until now..I have had it since 1998..something about that year...I wonder and I ponder...I will write...I will continue to write..it just amazes me..How...when...who...but it really doesnt matter..its done..it is ultimately between us and now it really is between us, and the rest of the two or tree people that have viewed this journal..why didnt I keep a paper journal..why an electronic one..why now...why did you look now..Its amazing...

Trust

                         

                                               

                                             

 

"A Good Marriage is that in which each appoints the other

the guardian of their soul."

-Rainer Maria Rilke

Letters, 1892-1926

" A joyful heart is the normal result of a heart burning with love."

Mother Teresa

" One thing Jesus asks of me: that I lean on Him; that in Him and only in Him I put complete trust; that I surrender myself to Him unreservedly...Even if we feel like a boat without a compass on the high seas, we are to commit ourselves fully to Him, without trying to control His actions."

Mother Teresa

 

Two years, twenty years, I'm in it for the long haul. Its been six years already and I'm still here.  I was not surprised by the coincidences when you  read bible passages that I had just read at home on multiple occasions and I know there was no way you would have know what I was reading. God wanted me to take notice then and now. I don't know why this is the only voice that you hear from me but then I thank God that you are hearing something. I dont know if the message will be the same, if the openness will continue, if the thoughts are able to flow freely again. I will try to treat this as if it is unknown. But if I call for intimacy, soul mating, trust and companionship then don't I need to let you in my mind, heart, and soul? Don't you need to know some of these things? Will this be a good beginning? Was this too overwelming? Answer but don't answer. Respond but don't respond. Trust is what I must develop. Trust is important here. Is it alright that this is to the world and you are a part of that world? I can't control the actions of the world.

Trust I must and trust I will. I live day by day and if I must learn to trust you with my heart then that is what I have to do, come what may. Why is it that God knows exactly what the obstacles are and cuts to the chase. Trust, do I trust  you? Do you trust me? Why is it that everytime I am around you guys just seem to come out of the woodwork. Before I couldnt catch a cold now I just seem to attract people. I don try to and I never lead them on in anyway. This girl is taken. I know that many women are in love with you in some capacity. I thought I was in love in the savior kind of way but then I believe it changed for me. I know that women fall for their psychologist, preacher and any male mentor who makes them feel worthy.

Why is it all the moments you try to put together I screw them up? The wonderful Temptations song, "My Girl", the evening last year at the sunset event at the point I run the other way when you try to hold a conversation. I think that we are preparing for something very special. I have to believe that there is a future but also I will not become preoccupied with the future, there is no reason, God is in the present and the future and I know God is with me. My God shall supply all of my needs. Waiting is a luxury. To be able to know that your  wait is not in vain is glorious. What will be will be. Wait on the Lord. I notice these things.