Hosea Chapter 1:2

Do you think that the problems in our society are because the people do not take responsibility for themselves or because the government is not taking responsibility for the people? Hosea's answer would be yes. He saw both as being at fault.  Hosea attacks theology, morals, economy and politics during a time when there was social injustice, religious prostution, sexual immorality and sales of idols and souls. God is passionately concerned for both the responsibility of the individual as well as the society to care for and to give justice to the poor. I am particularly inyerested in chapter 1verse 2.

Hosea 1

 ¹ The word of the LORD that came to Hosea son of Beeri during the reigns of Uzziah, Jotham, Ahaz and Hezekiah, kings of Judah, and during the reign of Jeroboam son of Jehoash ^[a] king of Israel:

Hosea's Wife and Children

 ² When the LORD began to speak through Hosea, the LORD said to him, "Go, take to yourself an adulterous wife and children of unfaithfulness, because the land is guilty of the vilest adultery in departing from the LORD." ³ So he married Gomer daughter of Diblaim, and she conceived and bore him a son.  ⁴ Then the LORD said to Hosea, "Call him Jezreel, because I will soon punish the house of Jehu for the massacre at Jezreel, and I will put an end to the kingdom of Israel. ⁵ In that day I will break Israel's bow in the Valley of Jezreel."
 ⁶ Gomer conceived again and gave birth to a daughter. Then the LORD said to Hosea, "Call her Lo-Ruhamah, ^[b] for I will no longer show love to the house of Israel, that I should at all forgive them. ⁷ Yet I will show love to the house of Judah; and I will save them—not by bow, sword or battle, or by horses and horsemen, but by the LORD their God."
 ⁸ After she had weaned Lo-Ruhamah, Gomer had another son. ⁹ Then the LORD said, "Call him Lo-Ammi, ^[c] for you are not my people, and I am not your God.
 ¹⁰ "Yet the Israelites will be like the sand on the seashore, which cannot be measured or counted. In the place where it was said to them, 'You are not my people,' they will be called 'sons of the living God.' ¹¹ The people of Judah and the people of Israel will be reunited, and they will appoint one leader and will come up out of the land, for great will be the day of Jezreel.

IT'S TIME

Well Lord today I go back into the nonsense. We will see if I have a better attitude or if I am just full of it. I know that I dealt with the family much better and that I will deal with the children much better too. Its all in how you look at a situation. Thank you Lord for allowing me to listen to last Sunday's sermon again and I heard something different from when I listened the first time. Maybe my state of mind was very different and unstable then. It sounds like I read more into it personally than was really there and I think I am mistaken about some things. Or maybe they were always there I just didn't notice them before. Well Lord I am here to serve you, to do your will and to make what ever sacrifices you want from me. I am yours to do what you need. Thank you Lord for loving me and continuing to give me direction and guidance. I pray that I hear your words and follow your call.

Home Finally

I made it. Through no fault of my own, mind you.

I was at that airport waiting and waiting and decided to have some hot wings. I had not had fried food for two weeks and now I decide to try some.

Along with two long island teas. Oh My God. I didnt know how horribly  acute acholol affects you in in the air.

 I was throwing up from almost the time we got in the air until we landed. It was horrible.

Then changing planes, trying to get comfortable, still nauseated but nothing left to come up or out, trying not to get any sicker.

 In cramped seats. What a day. Now I have to get ready for tomorrow. I am renewed.

 I can handle this I am ready to move forward where ever God wants to take me.

I am ready for a new thing to happen in my life and I look forward to that relationship with God.

 A new season of growth.

Home

Okay, so I am sitting at the Stingers Ray's lounge in Maui listening to 70's music, drinking long island iced teas (I am on my second one and that is more than enough considering I spent the better part of the day with my new friends from Canada drinking margaritas and mai Tai for the day.
Surprisingly enough I am not drunk. I think I am nervous about the 11 hours of travel time. I think I kinda of want to confess my undying love just in case anything happens, which I know it won't, because
God is not finished with me yet, but just in case, know that you ar the only,only true love f my life and in that it has probably been since 1995, that was when I quit Northwestern Hospital and I know I was devoted to that institution that you hold dear to your heart. I love you and can not wait to see you again. I wonder will it be the same or will it be different. I feel different, but I don't know what the reality will be like. I know that I love you and come what may, I am ready to stand the storms of good and evil with the man I love.

Thank You Lord

The Faith Community of Saint Sabina, October 10, 2010,  11:15am service, the Reverend Father Dr. Michael Louis Pfleger sermon

When you are going through stuff, you can praise God even in the midst of your struggles.

You can praise God. God I will give you some glory.

I will praise him all by myself. The praise is automatic. It will burst out of you. Thank you Lord Jesus I give you glory.

When you get to that place, when you have that kind of praise, you don’t need anyone to validate you.

You give God praise just because you want to praise him. You will break protocol, rubrics and everything else.

You will get to a point in your life where if nobody else will praise him you will praise him.

If it had not been for God…I’m one of them. What’s so interesting is that there are still people who look upon praise with that cynical eye.

You ought to have some control, some self respect, some dignity.

Is there anybody who has had a but for God experience. You will start to open your mouth and praise him.

When you have a but for God experience that picked you up when life was trying to wipe you out, you will know that God is good and his goodness eclipses the badness of what I’m going through.

I will bless the Lord at all times. I will give him glory. Psalm 107 begins with two words…give thanks…we give thanks when someone has done something for you.

When someone has brought you a gift. It warrants a response.

Now unfortunately we live in a day where there are a whole lot of ungrateful folks. They just take things for granted.

Enter his gates with thanksgiving, enter his courts with praise. He’s done some stuff for me.

God told Joshua and the Israelites when they came out of the river, build an altar right here.

When you come through some stuff, God wants you to remember that you did not do this on your own.

By the blood of Jesus I am still here. Thank you God.

Children aren’t real grateful. They just expect. You are suppose to do this for me.

Adolescents start to become a little more grateful, just a little. Then they become demonic. They just throw the clothes around that you bought. You sacrificed so they can have something.

When they pay for it they take better care of it and guard it.

Jesus came to me when I couldn’t get to him. If you knew the cost, you would understand why I am so grateful and why I am so thankful.

 It was the goodness of God for me to get here this morning. The goodness of God makes me say thank you.

When you are lying in the bed just say thank you. Somebody didn’t get up this morning. You ought to be grateful.

Give thanks to the Lord for he is good (and his mercy endures forever). It is not about a circumstance or situation, its his character. Its not about something he’s done, it’s his character.

God is good. When you get to that point, He is good. All things work together for the good of those that love the Lord. He is good. That’s his nature.

He woke me up. That’s his nature. Job is blessed in the end. When Job is going through, Job could still declare that he knows his redeemer.

We can see the goodness of God because it’s personal. My praise is personal. We take getting up in the morning personal.

We thank God for whatever we have. We thank God for things that we take for granted and complain about.

His mercy, his love endures forever. God loves me and gives me mercy with all my stuff.

Some of us have a little bit of truth and can confess to some stuff going on in my life.

God still loves me. How can God still love us with all the junk still in us. God recognizes the potential in us when others don’t see it.

 God sees stuff in me. He sees my potential, my possibility.

 Imagine if we begin to look at each other with the same love that God has for us.

God loves me so much. God loves me in the pit and in the good places.

 God doesn’t have mood swings. We humans have mood swings. We try to figure out what changed from yesterday to make us feel this way now.

I am so glad God doesn’t have mood swings. God loves us unconditionally. He gives me mercy, everlasting to everlasting, because he sees the potential.

 God’s got enough love to love me until I get it right. Give thanks because he has done stuff for me.

His mercy has done stuff for me. Let the redeemed of the Lord, say so. He has redeemed them from the hand of the foe.

I was in the devil’s hand. I was born into sin in this world. Let the redeemed of the Lord say so.

 When someone is lost at sea, it is a rescue, and then it becomes a recovery. I am so glad that God didn’t stop rescuing me.

If you have been redeemed by him then there is a responsibility to say so. We can fool people,but neighbor, I don’t look like what I have been through, nor am I where I want to be, but thank God I am not where I was.

Behind this perfume and behind this smile is a person with a story that most people don’t know about. Don’t be fooled. Everybody has a story.

 But God redeemed me. My past was trying to kill my future but God redeemed me. He redeemed me.

 That’s why I have to open my mouth. The text says, let the redeemed of the Lord say so.

Let the devil know that you are not intimidated.

 No more shackles, no more chains, no more bondage, I am free. Freedom. I love you, I love you , I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you I love you, I love you I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you...there is no end to it.


Psalm 107

BOOK V : Psalms 107-150

1 Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;

his love endures forever.

2 Let the redeemed of the LORD say this—

those he redeemed from the hand of the foe,

3 those he gathered from the lands,

from east and west, from north and south. [a]

4 Some wandered in desert wastelands,

finding no way to a city where they could settle.

5 They were hungry and thirsty,

and their lives ebbed away.

6 Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble,

and he delivered them from their distress.

7 He led them by a straight way

to a city where they could settle.

8 Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love

and his wonderful deeds for men,

9 for he satisfies the thirsty

and fills the hungry with good things.

10 Some sat in darkness and the de

God Has Blessed Me

Thank You Lord for EVERYTHING!

Lord you are my everything and I am blessed just to be able to say that and recognize the truth of that statement.

 Lord my prayers are for everyone.

I pray that we are able to realize that the sun does in fact come up tomorrow.

We are never in the valley forever. It is how we look at the situation.

My life has many challenges and triumphs. I am an overcomer and I have come out of this situation wiser, stronger and more resilient.

When you think you can't make it anymore, you can't take it anymore, you have reached the very limits of what you can handle, God steps in and says, not yet my love.

I have more for you to do. Rest, rejuvenate, restore, but come back to me. Come back and see how I love you.

You are the apple of my ey. I am with you always. I am with you in the fire, in the storm, and in the desert places of your life.

I am with you always. I love you unconditionally.

Now I need you to love yourself just a little bit more than you have been.

Take the time you need and I know that you will come back to me in the end.

True to his word, God has been with me, encouraging me, each and every day to see his love for me.

 Thank you God for allowing me to wallow a bit in self pity.

Thank you Lord. I love you. My Love, I miss you.

Productive

Well I am starting to get my head together. I feel much better than I did a week ago when I arrived.

 I have spent a lot of time in prayer and quiet reflection. My God, My God. It is so good to spend time with you.

I was able to complete one lesson plan for next week. That was an accomplishment in it self.

Now I just have to get the other three done. I think it will happen. I am more focused and relaxed.

I can even start to talk to people with getting upset. That is another accomplishment. I was taking any and everybodies head of the minute the said something that didnt agree with me.

 It was my way or the highway.

One thing I do not like here are the flying insects. When I am walking or moving they are no problem but when I am just sitting, I become their feast.

There is always the balance of good and bad in any place. I keep forgetting to get the OFF or something to keep them off of me.

Today, I will get it and watch out insects, I will no longer be your meal.

What to say....I miss you, I love you and can't wait until I see you again. Be blessed and be a blessing to someone. I love you.

Determination

When God sees that you are after his heart, his people, he will give you what you need. God wants us to finish our mission.

Continue to pursue his purpose here on earth. God wants me to keep going on. Don't give up.

I can listen to about five minutes before it cuts off completely but I love those five minutes. You read the verses to me. You read the lines to me.

I am yours and you are mine.

Good seed endures rough winters.

We all know about King David's adulterous relationship, he had her husband killed and he did the right thing and married her eventually. Eventually.

Solomon was born and he would rule Israel during its transition period. Solomon was give the opportunity to ask God what he wanted and he replied wisdom to rule his people.

He wanted to do the right thing by his people. God honored that request and gave him more.

That's where it cuts off and refuses to play anymore.

I thank God I did listen to the whole message on Sunday.

I love to hear the sound of you voice. It makes the hairs on my arm stand up. It perks up everything in my body.

I listen to just those five minutes over and over again.

Granted I have to sit at the door of my room to get the wifi connection, if I don't want to go to the lobby and sit with my computer, but that's OK.

I'm going back to the whale education center today and then up to whalers village to check that out. I hope to be very knowledgeable about whales before I leave here on Sunday. I have a lot of ideas for a unit.

I'm thinking about applying for a new program that will make me a principal in a year. There's good and bad with that and I have to find out if that's really for me. Info session when I return. It has a six year commitment and that scares me. I know that I will need to change some things when I return to school.

Well my love, I will continue to think only that he loves me and I love him. Be blessed today and be a blessing to someone. I love you.

Song of Songs

My Love, My Love

...do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires. Song of Songs 2:7,3:3

I listened as best I could but it kept going in and out. I wish I had a better connection. That's why I love the CD's in the car. I'll have to wait until then to hear it completely and wholly. But I was able to get the gist of your message. Soon, real soon, something will change. Hang on in there and continue to believe. So I will do just that. I will continue to wait for you.

Serenity

Well Lord it has been two weeks since my last post and a lot has changed and a whole lot is still the same. I am in a place that I was told God lives or at least visits a whole lot of the time. I think I have found Him. The Great I Am. The Author and Finisher of my life. I have struggled with what to say to you now. I have nothing left to say that seems to make any sense to me so I will keep it short.


Do I clear my mind of every thought that has come into it for the past two weeks or even two months? Do I dwell on my misery knowing that others have their own sufferings? Do I explain that I am a survivor and this too shall pass? Am I the same, different or a mixture of both? I am a child of God and I pray that my thoughts and words are from Him. I show honor and glory and devotion and loyalty to my God. Without Him where would I be? I found God for myself in a little Baptist church in Boise. Then I was going through a crisis also. That’s the last really big crisises I went through. God came into my life then and he has stepped in now. I have been here three and a half days and I am finally beginning to think clearer. Not clearly, just clearer. I pray that on October 10th, I will be able to return with a new outlook on life. I pray that I will find what I am searching for or at least directions or a map with a big “X” marks the spot. I was disillusioned about so many things and when I came here I thought it would lift my spirits. I walked the first day for about two miles. I saw a beautiful sunset and when I got off the plane and smelled the ocean the knot in my neck and back just went away. I kept to myself, I didn’t have dinner or anything else to eat, and food hasn’t been a priority for me lately. I prayed most of the night away, sleeping only a few restless hours here and there. When I did wake, I watched their public TV station to see what was going on here and what were the important issues that affected the people of this island. Day broke and I began to get ready to go out and see the area. I walked across the street to the ocean. Laid on a beach chair and just stared at the ocean. Later I went down to the whale education center and had a class on the humpback whale. I’ll be going back there a few more times; I plan to do a lesson and a video hook with skype for my class. I have never been much of a animal rights person but if I had to take up a cause I would take up theirs. Then I walked down the road. The very BUSY road, to the shopping center, about two miles away, to get lunch, remembering that I had not eaten the night before or had breakfast. As I was walking, I passed a roadside fruit stand and I stopped. I managed to get two really nice oranges. I don’t want to try the other fruits because I don’t know if I am allergic to it or not and I am too sensitive to plants, fruits and stuff. I am not going to the ER for an allergic reaction; I didn’t bring my epi-pen either. Then there is the coconut man on the other side. He’s an older black man, came to the island to get away from it all, I found that to be the case for a lot of the men here alone. He of course gets me to start talking about why I am here, I tell him and the first thing he does is offer up sex, to help relieve my tension, of course, no commitment. I am stunned. Not that he offered but that it was the one thing I kept telling myself that I needed before I got here and I had actually vowed to have sex with the first available person who would marry me, thank God I’m not in Las Vegas, I might be married now. I said I wanted to be married first this time. But I wanted sex, I needed sex, that’s the only thing to relieve my tension, sex. I had not kept myself in a forced celibate period to just break down when the next big crisis came into my life. I wanted a committed relationship. I wanted a husband. Why God didn’t I have a husband? Was I that horrible? Am I not good for somebody? Isn’t there someone out there to love me for me? Can I not find true love somewhere? Then I began to look at the majority of black women and the fact that they too were single, handling crisis all by themselves and the people around them and the media was always talking about the black woman being a superwoman. Well you can kiss my superwoman ass, I don’t want to be a superwoman, didn’t ask for it, that was society’s way of compensating for the destruction of the black family. Look how well the women are raising their children alone. Yeah, look, and look real hard. I want a man, I want a family, I want a husband that I can love and who loves me. Why must we settle for less? God wants the family to be whole and complete. God didn’t make us to just live alone and survive. The single woman’s mantra has been “I will survive”. We have generations of black women without men. In my own household I saw my mother, married three or four times, looking for love and a supportive husband, but in reality finding abusive, womanizing, child molesting men. But then there was something wrong with her because don’t we always blame the woman. Though there really is something wrong with her, but who doesn’t have their faults. My daughter, managed to find the same type of man; abusive, dysfunctional on so many levels, and generally irresponsible to his child. Where was I to look? I had been married but in those seven years, I too found a man long ago who was a womanizer, addict, drunk, and abusive in his own way. Often times the abuse is not only physical but mental as well. While he was never physically abusive to me there was the emotional and verbal abuse. I understand he moved on to the physical with his next wife. So where was my man Lord? Where is someone I could live with and go through crisises with? I didn’t want just any man, I wanted a good man. A God fearing man, a contributor to society, one who believed in the common good. Why were we not able to have good men in our lives? We loved men, we wanted a man, and we wanted a good man. Where was my man to comfort me and hold my hand and place his arms around me? Well God reminded me that I had pushed men away for many years. It wasn’t because I was mooning over the loss of my marriage. I knew the day we got married that it was wrong and I had made a mistake but I was in it now and I would give it a try. It was doomed from the beginning. I went into it for all the wrong reasons. It was all about sex. Outside of the bed we had nothing to talk about, no other connection. We stumbled along trying to make it look good on the outside but knowing that we were not compatible. I take as much blame as I put on him. I wasn’t giving it my all. I was angrier at him over the split financially than I was emotionally. I had to rely on my father to send plane tickets and a moving company so that I could bring my daughters and my stuff back home. Here I returned in shame, divorced, with two children, alone. I lived in my grandfather’s basement for nine years. Then I met you. You touched my spiritual heart. You brought me out of my darkness and I began to believe again. I began to believe that God still loved me and was calling me beautiful. But I saw the south and west side crumbling. My daughters were in danger. So much so that before I left Idaho, he took me to court to say that the city was too dangerous to raise his daughters in and that he and his new wife would be able to provide a much better home for them and that I was kidnapping his children and taking them across state lines without his permission. This was when parents were really kidnapping their children and you heard about it in the news all the time. Everything is not always as it seems. Glory Be to God, what was he thinking, this was my home and I would protect them, no harm would come to my daughters, they would be safe and well taken care of. Well the judge would have none of that. He took the children from me, said I could return but the children had to stay. What was I suppose to say, thank you? The father has rights and he is married with a stable home and he can provide for the children. What!!!! This can’t be happening to me. I love my children. Maybe some women would have jumped at the chance to unload their children on the husband in a divorce but not me. So I started thinking. He owed me thousands in back child support and I knew he was hoping by taking the children, he wouldn’t have to pay and just maybe, I would have to pay child support to him. I arranged to meet him at Burger King that same day of the judgment, and proposed a deal which he immediately jumped at. I would take away half of the payment that the judge told him to pay in a week and agree to stretch the other payments out over the course of a year if he gave me sole custody. I would allow him to keep them for the summer, 8-10 weeks, and come out for holidays, and go on any family vacations with them. Thank you God, I had my girls back. I still had to leave them there for 10 weeks, but I knew I would come back for them. Even then, in 1989, the city was horrible. Its reputation alone almost cost me my children. What if he had said no? What if the judge continued to agree with him? Would I have been better off, would my daughters have been better off, who knows? Life has a way of making you think about those decisions that you make during turmoil and crisises in your life. I returned that summer, alone, dejected and discouraged. No job, a little money, few friends that I still kept in touch with. No one met me at the airport; I took a 40 dollar cab ride to the south side, once I found a driver who would even take me. I get to my grandfather’s house, he’s sleeping, he’s neither happy or sad to see me because my other brother had stayed with him for a while and he stole money and credit cards from him so he’s not exactly sure what to think of me. It has been twelve years since I lived in the city and at least six years since I last saw him. But we make it work. After reuniting with my best friend from childhood, I began to make a life there. I found a job, got my kids in Catholic school and sheltered them as much as I could due to the fact that I had to work. I found out today that my oldest was attacked but never told anyone. While going to the corner store, just a few feet away from the house, a group of children, started throwing rocks at her, hitting her, and took the stuff that she purchased at the store. I felt bad because a similar incident happened to me when I was young. My mom had just moved to 46 and Vincennes. I was walking through the alley to the store to buy something with my 35 cents. A boy came up to me, held a knife to my throat and stole my money. I was so scared at the time. I know she must have been too. I also realize that we are not the only girls who have been robbed and attacked by these young thugs. Even today I know it still goes on. Now I find out that my baby was in fact in harm’s way again. What was I suppose to do? Not allow them to ever leave the house? Become prisoners because of these bad ass kids? We started talking about that because of the fact that she told me today a woman, older, had shot a boy because he and others were throwing rocks and bricks at her house and this time the brick hit her in the chest. To protect herself, she purchased a gun. Well, she used it. I applaud her for standing up to the thugs. Women have been the victim in so many ways. Of course I can hear the outcry. They are just children, they didn’t mean it. Yes they did. I deal with these children every day in school. Parents who don’t know or care what they do when they send them outside or to school. Everybody can’t be saved. We saw that when God brought His people out of Egypt. We have a choice and they cannot terrorize us forever. It’s wrong. There is a need for balance between good and evil and right now evil has a whole lot more weight on the scales right now. Not to say that there will never be balance, but right now, today, it’s gone, it’s lost. God help us. Hear the cries of your people.

So anyway back to my celibacy. You touched my spiritual heart and brought me even closer to God and myself. I pulled myself together, got a better job, went back to school and finally, I was able to save my daughters and leave the hell hole. We lived right across the street from Corliss High. We had shootings and kids running through the yard almost every day. We were in the “wild hundreds”. You can talk about folks leaving the city but it’s a reality, we have to save “our” children’s lives and our own. I kept the faith, continued to contribute, work in the community, tithe, march, protest and commit my time and money to a cause to help the black community of the city I grew up in and still loved. You were and still are a strong supporter of uplifting the suffering, poor, black community to become a thriving and productive family community. You believe that is possible and I am in agreement with you on that. But it’s a dream. Is it possible, yes, but will we see it in our time, I don’t know. It’s like being in slavery. Yes it did finally end in 1864, but what about the person born in 1764. More than likely they would live and die in slavery. Never seeing a change, unless they were fortunate enough to escape to freedom, and even then, fear of capture and being returned. Never give up hope. With hundreds of years of oppression prior and truly another hundred in captivity, with another hundred to go before a bill to grant civil rights was instituted in 1964. I have to see myself as “a” player and not “the” player. God took my imposed celibacy of not wanting sex until I had a husband seriously. So what happens, I fall in love with the spiritual genius of my heart. We sure as heck have not had sex but we have a spiritual connection. Did anybody read Thorn Birds? Well not me, but I remember the basic plot of the mini-series on TV, which I didn’t watch either. My thought, OH MY GOD, what are you doing now!!! He’s a man of God for Christ sakes. Maybe you forget I was catholic, maybe not a good catholic, but none the less, he was special and sacred. He was no ordinary man. Well after years of conflict over that, I realize that you are in fact a man and that you might even want a relationship with a woman and then that the woman was me. OH MY GOD! I’m going to hell for sure now. Stop this right now. You cannot have him. Not him. Then God said to me, isn’t this who you asked for? I gave you what you asked for. Yes you did Lord and you surely gave me someone honorable, loving, just, loyal, devoted to God and maybe even financially secure. Why didn’t I jump, immediately? I tried to leave but my heart, not my mind drew me back and continues to draw me to you. Some days I think I would have done anything to have you “know me” in the biblical sense. I had to pull away. I couldn’t disgrace you or have you disgrace yourself with me, ‘cause you were ready. Then all the other stuff came, distractions to pull you back. You had to make hard choices. You were vulnerable and I knew it. I had to stay away. I would not let dishonor or humiliation come on you because of me. That came at a cost. I needed the physical you and not just the emotional and spiritual you. I would listen to you in the car and long to be with you. I knew you were listening and maybe even watching and I hated and loved it. Hated because I wanted you there with me, you don’t have to check on me from afar, be with me. Loved it because it meant you were thinking about me, loving me in your own way, the best way you could at that time. But then my need for the physical being took precedence over the spiritual need for you. I needed you to hold me and tell me everything was going to be ok and the hug in the line just wasn’t doing it for me. So I made a choice, if I can’t have you physically then who can I have as a complete package. Spiritually, emotionally and physically. That’s when I remembered my dear friend from London. I emailed him that I was going through some really tough emotional times and I need some money for a vacation. He sent it right away and wished me well. We really hadn’t talked in years and hadn’t seen each other in more than ten years. I knew he cared for me and he held a very special place in my heart. We have know each other for 31 years. He was my immediate supervisor in London. He was there the day I got there and stayed the whole time I was there. He was married but his wife left him and left him with a two year old daughter. He was seeing another girl and they eventually married. She died about maybe ten years ago. It might not be that long, I’m not sure. But I say all of this to tell you that my contacting him and bringing him back into my life is because I am ready to get married. I want a husband, friend and lover. I need someone to help take care of me and for me to take care of them. I can’t do this alone thing anymore. The battle is too hard for me right now. There are too many forces attacking me and I need help. Nothing has happened with us, but he is willing to talk to me, willing to help me financially and willing to explore some new possibilities. He sent me to the place that you love. I had to see it. I needed to renew my mind, body and soul. You have always had knowledge of my spiritual needs. Were you ever meant to satisfy my physical needs? Were you to only be my counselor and spiritual healer? Have I fallen in love with the teacher? Is it just infatuation? Am I hoping against hope with you? Am I waiting for something that really is not ever going to happen? Talk to me Lord, help me on this. So anyway, so much for just a little note. I will be back tomorrow. Time for some walking and thinking. I have dumped a lot from the brain, now it’s time to fill up again.