Thursday, April 30, 2009

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry you have to forgive me again, and again and again.
I guess we are just going to have to be the forgiving couple.
I'm sorry that I continue to do things that you have to forgive me for.
Its my fault, I admit it, I did wrong. Forgive me please.

You will have to tell me what will make you happy, what will appease you. How do we make it all better?

I have to put my confidence in the Word of God. When I do that, patience will see me through. Faith opens the door to God's promise in my life and patience keeps the door open until the promise is fulfilled.

"Be steadfast, unmovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord- 1 Corinthians 15: 58

I'm staying in your will Lord.

Please have a wonderfully blessed day today, be kind and loving to someone, even if they don't know it is you being kind to them. Do God's work.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Do I really know what to ask for?

Father God I come to you with sincere prayer and I know that I have to pray my way out of this.
Father, open my eyes to what it is I really need to ask for. I don't want to go round and round in circles praying for the wrong thing only to be back in the same spot again, under the same circumstances. Father God, help me to think about my need, my real need and help me to pray about it . Let it be revealed to me. I pray, I have faith but give me the strength to see what I really need. Lord I know what is evident, what is seen, and this seems to be my problem but its not. Lord, make the problem come to light, let it be seen and become evident. Let me pray on it day and night to be revealed, out in the open. Let me know exactly what to ask for so that I will receive it. Your word says seek and you shall be found, ask and it will be given unto you. Knock and the door will be opened. Help me to pray and seek and find.

Be blessed today my love. Know that God is with you always. I love you and hope and pray for nothing but good things in your life.

I found out yesterday that one of my former students from last year was picked up for murder. What the heck is wrong with our children that their self esteem is so low they don't value their life or anyone else. Save our children, Lord.

Monday, April 27, 2009

A Living Example

Thank You God
Thank You God
Thank You God
I will not worry that I have enough love for such a wonderful man. You are a blessing and someone who is a gem to have. God's love is in you and it shows. You are a living example of God's love. You are an example of love.
In Jesus name I make a fresh and strong commitment today to live the life of love. I will let the tenderness of God flow through me and heal the woulds in my heart and those of people I meet.

I know why there are so many black, professional single women.

Father teach me how to love even when things go wrong. To be patient and kind when the world is not. To over look the spiteful words of someone angry with me. Teach me how to continue to let it go. To forgive and move on.

Draw me nearer to you Lord. Draw me near. Lord your word says that your love is already inside me, it has been in my heart, waiting for me. I resolve remove every obstacle that would keep that love from flowing freely int the lives of others and myself. I put resentment behind me, and I forgive all those who've done me wrong. I forgive and I move on. I pray that you have a wonderful day and and that you are strong and sincere in everything that you are doing. I pray for youto be loving an dto know that you are strong and loved.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Trust

Thank You Lord. I asked for a new message. It started off with the same theme, You haven't or cant forgive the men who have hurt you in the past and you blame the men(you) that I meet now for all of their mistakes and you just need to get over it and move on with your life. But thank you God for that twist that I could take with me today and know that it is true and directly for me.

Forgive, forgive, and forgive. Forgive the foolishness, it will happen, its inevitable. Its a wonder you haven't gone crazy listening to that crazy classroom. But the good news for me was that forgiveness is possible for me and for you. God knows I need forgiveness each and everyday. You will need to get an account at one of those expensive stores that sells pretty little shiny colorful things that have stuff like diamond, ruby, gold, platinum, etc in their name. You give me the impression that you will be trying me with all seventy times seven of those forgiveness factors. There will be lots of I'm sorry. But that's the good news, its OK. I let it go.

I truly have let go of my anger with men. I am not angry with the dead beat dads, the philandering men, the liars, and all the rest for what ever reason they have messed up, I forgive them. While I have always said I love men, I was mad at them for messing up and not stepping up to the plate. I forgive them for that too.

Just because some haven't, doesn't mean all of them are not doing what they are suppose to do, and that the ones who aren't, will one day have an opportunity to do better. Forgive them, for they know not what they do.

Forgive you, love you and trust you a little. Trust God they most. That I think I can handle. I can agree to that. That's what I remember without listening to it again. Now you have to remember I was distracted with the little prince. He was in fine distracting form today. Thank You Lord for loving me, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Faith

My God, My God. My only message from God today has been walk by faith. The righteous walk by faith and not by sight. I do not have to fall if I walk by faith. Come to God and be diligent. Diligence will keep you in victory.

Great is thy mercy, for me. Your loving kindness for me. Day after day God gives me new mercies when I seek him daily. Daily I seek Him. Pray for my pastor and pray for me.

Pray each and every day so that I can stand on the Word. Stand on the Word. Stay in the Word daily. The devil is a liar and he comes daily, daily to kill you, to destroy you, and to steal from you, daily.

I stand on the word, no weapon formed against me shall prosper and every knee must bow and every tongue must confess that Jesus Christ is Lord. I give diligence to my situation, my problem and my doubt. I pray daily for God to work in this situation. Daily I walk in faith. Daily I call on the name of God. Daily I believe and toil and tarry with my faith walk.

Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. I walk by faith and not by sight. I know that I don't like that line, I know I have gone down that line many times and nothing has changed, but I know God allowed me to give you that hanky. I know that I have given you hugs and kisses before and I know that I have talked to you before so this is not beyond my reach. God woke me up today and I am blessed and highly favored already. God will supply all of my needs. God will put the words in my mouth. God will guide me if I just get in the line and wait. I am praying for my pastor. I am praying for you. Be blessed today and be a blessing to someone special.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Saturday

Today I spent most of the day getting my transcripts together. Something for me that is a change. I was up at 3am trying to access and fax and send all of the different transcripts that I have. My fax machine was not working right, nothing new. I had spent twenty years getting my bachelors degree. From 1976 through 1996 to just get a bachelors that should have taken 4-5 yrs. My daughter was telling me how she is working for an assistant manager who is 20 years old and she is now 27. I know what that is like working for someone who is younger that you. Having to listen to someone who doesn't know what they are talking about and expect you to pick up the slack for them.

Do you know why so many black woman are single? The real and true reason is that at some time we have give our hearts to someone and they have disappointed us to no end. We have felt such deep pain and unreconciable differences with a mate that we thought love us that were are broken. We are broken to such a degree that we don't want to trust another. Whether that person was black, withe, or brown, they hurt us. The fact is the hurt wasn't just with one person but with one after another until the hurt no longer had a face but just a species, male. The male species has hurt, lied, and deceived us until we no longer trust ourselves to trust them. Some women will continue to trust, no matter what. Some others will say, I have had enough, my heart and mind and soul cannot take another betrayal by a man who lies if he is married or with someone, someone who will sleep with you and not be serious, someone who will just not even know who you are after an hour. Somehow God made woman to feel too many things. We need to know that you care, and that we are important and that were mean something to you and that somehow we are the most important thing in your life, how did that happen. Why cant we just be indifferent to so many things? Why cant we just let things that are considered insignificant to others be insignificant to us? Maybe its the same reason That the Indians can't accept the money for Mt Rushmore? Its just wrong.
Someone who doesn't know you and the experiences you have been through. Does any one really know you and your experiences? I had no really good reason for not getting it. My family would have made sure that I got it but I chose to go into the Navy after one year. Then I chose to get married and have children. I have made many decisions that have influenced my life.When I went into the Navy in 1977, I was free to make my own decisions. From then until I married my life was my own, come what may, I made the decisions. From 1980 until 1987 I was a married woman and I do not want to think that those seven years have scarred my life view for marriage but somehow they have given me some insight. From 1989until 2009, twenty years I have though of marriage as a farce. I will not think of it differently until I am remarried again. The remaining years have influenced my view of marriage. I was ready to get remarried and I couldn't find one man that I wanted to remarry. I just couldn't make that commitment. Each and every mean after that was not the right man. They were either a liar, said they were single and they weren't, either I just found something unacceptable that I just couldn't stand and I said no way or I just stopped dating, but then came you. You managed to get in where others could not. You got into the secret place in my heart, my most sacred place. I didn't plan on letting you in to my heart. My heart has been broken and torn apart. My heart had been trampled on and lied to and just plain abused. My heart has been exposed to men who are not able to respect me and love me the way that I need to be treated. My heart was in no way ready for another human to observe and be a part of. But low and behold, God sent you in anyway and according to your proclamation and my crazy idea, we are in love and we should be together. I am expected to jump to the idea of love. I am supposed to be happy that I am in love and loved. Praise the Lord, I will not be alone in the latter years of my life. I will not be a woman alone with cats. I am now taking care of my father , mother, brother, daughter, and grandson. They all have their own incomes right now but I know that I am the structural person that allows them to stay here. Whether it is emotional, physical or structural. I am needed by them. I am loved and needed. But the problem is that I love and need you.
Can you believe that I truly, madly and deeply love men. I love God and I do love myself. That's why I have not remarried after divorcing in 1989. I really wanted to remarry and I was unable to find anyone that I felt worthy of my love. I had been hurt, degraded and totally pushed aside.I don't want to be that woman waiting for you in the bedroom, alone, when I know you are with someone else, or that you just don't want to be with me. I knew I would remarry and remarry quickly. Hell, I was a beautiful woman and I had many men who wanted me, but I didn't want them. We separated in 1982 really and stuck it out until 1987 and finally divorced in 1989. I knew I would just remarry and move on with my life but God had a different plan for me. I had rediscovered God in 1985 at this small baptist church in Boise. I loved men and they loved me. I wanted to move from this existence to another but I just couldn't find anyone that I wanted to be with so I said to myself that I wouldn't be with anyone until I found the right one and I became celibate. I am now working on too many years and don't want to count and its in the double digits. I'm moving into hostile territory. I have to now surrender to the enemy. You are now to be considered my friend and confidant. God wants this to happen. Go figure. this is my Nineveh.Trust you and love you to no end. Why do I tell you this. What is the reason and the purpose.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

My Ninevah

I know that my ninevah is that i have to go down that road of trusting you and loving you. I have to take that fall and believe, no matter what happens, I have to surrender myself to you. I have to stop crying and adjust.myself and know that I can trust, love and go down that road again and come what may, it will be good. My ninevah is to go through that line and believe that I mean something to you and that I can share or know that I mean something to you than your next cause. Where do I fit in? I hate that line. I am stressing now about going through that line. I always feel like you are looking at the next person in line and just waiting for the next person in line. I don't get your eyes, I don't get your undivided attention and my fear is that I am what you will get tired of soon and become bored with. But never the less, I have to go down the never ending assembly line of greeting the man I love. I am just a number in that line, one of many and not unique or important. That is my fear, that I become unimportant in your life. I'm not spiritual and holy, I am just honest, that's just me. That's just what is on my mind and what I am fearful of.

People are Better Than No People

I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Isnt that sweet.
Thats Greys Anatomy

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

My Ninevah

Good Morning and God Bless

Lord what is my Nineveh? What, where, how, do you want me to go? Is my Nineveh going down the line again? I don't like that line. But I will do what you tell me to do. I don't want conflict.
I want to talk. I want to be the woman that God wants me to be. I pray that you give me your message again. I will spend my time in praise and worship. I continue to say what do you want me to do? Where do you want me to go? Where do you want me to go? What am I refusing to do? I wont talk to him. So, you want me to go down the line. Talk to him. Talk to him, talk to him. So that is what I have to do.

Proverbs 18:22
He who finds a wife, finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.

What does this mean Lord, why send me to this passage? Think about being a wife, believe that he is able to recognize this as a good thing. Believe that he wants this. Go to him, go to him.When, where, how? Keep praying on this. Keep praising the Lord and stay in the grace of God. Go through the line, talk to him. Try again. Try again, try again.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Arrogant, Stuckup

Am I arrogant and stuck up? Am I siddity? Have I kept a class system that threatens my relationship with other people? Why is it that people are threatened by me? What is it that I do that unsettles people?
If they knew my pain and suffering I don't think I would have this problem? Why am I thought to be stuck up and arrogant?
If you aren't telling everybody your testimony, complaining about your pain and suffering then people think you are stuck up? I struggle, I have disappointment and hardship, nothing comes easy for me. If I don't reveal my heart and my struggle then I am not a real person. I cry and hurt just like everyone else. I have feelings. I try to help every person that crosses my path, am I wrong for that? Should I not care for my fellow man? Why is it that people talk about me like it doesnt hurt me? Is there something that makes them think I dont hurt when they say and do hurtful things? Do I seem indifferent to pain? Am I shallow and thoughtless? Do I give the impression that I can handle any pain, well I cant, Im not your superwoman.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Wall Street Journal Report

I have been up a couple of hours now. I watched the Hispanic report and the black report, you cant see these things during normal times, and now I have just finished watching WSJR.
Its interesting that the Obamas' have filed their income tax and it shows that they gave 6% of their 2.6 million dollar income to charity. Where is the 10%. Where is the example that they should set and be able to display themselves as an example to their children and the world? While I am disappointed I am not surprised. Last week we find out that they had not been to church for a long while and that they are still deciding what church to make their home. Still deciding, still deciding. Just how do you make that decision when you have not tried out any of the choices. Its not a priority in their lives and it shows. I know it caused a lot of turmoil in his campaign but now he needs to show that his family has some kind of faith based influence each and every week. He can be a comfortable and safe Protestant, but he needs to be something. Giving just 6% of his income, what kind of example is that. Oh yeah its great that he chose not to take the refund he was due but he didn't tithe 10%. Bottom line. I struggle with it but it is something that I have come to grips with and know that if I get anything, I give ten percent back to God. You just have to do it and do it cheerfully.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Today

Today, I was a winner. So were you. We were in the same place at the same time. We cant hold anything else more important than that.
I know that I was a winner because I lost 1.2lbs even after going out of town and eating what ever I wanted this week. The good thing was that in Seattle, they have mountains and hills and they have them in the city. We walked our butts off. I couldn't believe the incline on the streets. I just knew I was going to need a line or something just to get up the street to the library. Then I had to run for the trolley the next day. We walked all around the city on Tuesday. I walked on the treadmill every morning except the last morning. It all paid off in the end, I had a 1.2lb lost. Any loss is better than a gain.
I wonder why when I heard your voice, my heart jumped a beat. You were dressed for business today. I saw that you were at the funeral of one of the youth's who was killed on the expressway. That was unfortunate.
Tomorrow I have Eucharistic ministry. Mary reminded me. She likes the idea that she gets to keep Austin. Today he had his fireman gear on. I had to bring him to my weigh in.
I am a winner. God gave man dominion over this earth and every creature in the earth. Through my faith in Jesus Christ I have been given dominion over this earth.
What is the problem with this world? People are doing incredibly crazy things now. Out of desperation, fear and just doing dumb things.
We have to be reminded that we are winners. We have this thing won. Things look tough, but we are winners. God has guaranteed our success and we need to look and act like winners.
I know that I have to get it together with you. I watched the Allison Payne interview about the blue eyed soul brother and my heart just seemed to kiss you. You are remarkable and I long to know you and talk to you. Why hasn't that happened? I bet we could have a really good time together. I live on the fact that I have God's promise that I will succeed and that all things work together for the good of those that love the Lord.
I'm going to say good night and I cant wait to see you tomorrow. I love you.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Hello, Hello, Hello

I'm Back!!!!
I had such a good time in Seattle. Lizzie looks so cute.
I am glad to be home. In my own bed. It was comfortable there but there's nothing like being in your own little neck of the woods. As soon as I got off the plane my allergies started acting up. I was fine in Seattle. Come back home and its like everything is aggravating to my senses.

How was your week, I know you had a much deserved and needed rest on Monday and Tuesday.

I have many things to do to prepare for next week. Back to the classroom. I have given a science project for the 7th and 8th grade. 55 students, how many of those 55 will have their project done? I do not see a large number in my immediate future. Although, eventually all of them will have it done, its a requirement.

My to do list for today. Cleaners, Target, Lifetime Fitness, Babysitting, and relaxing. Mary is going to try her hand at watching Austin today for a few hours. I think it can be a good thing, but he's such a big baby, who knows what will happen.

Right now its my babysitting time. Anna is off to Lifetime Fitness and Austin is asleep. I'm having my tea and watching Cash in the Attic while typing my blog. All very normal and calm things to do. Nothing spectacular or strange. When I am done with the blog, I am going to get my clothes together for the cleaners. Austin is still sleeping because he stayed up late last night trying to hang with me and watch a movie.

I am going to use this time to get my things together for the cleaners and move forward with cleaning out my room.
Be blessed today and know that I am thinking about you.

Monday, April 13, 2009

I am Restored

I am renewed and restored. Praise the Lord. You were great. I listened and I felt renewed. Glory Be to
God.
I am getting ready to leave and I wanted to get a message out to you in case I don't have access for a few days.
Pray for safe travels and for short lines and short wait times. I'm excited because I haven't gone anywhere in a long time. I need a vacation.
You be on your best behavior and make me proud when I return.
Wasn't that good news to find out that the killer was arrested in Rockford. Your efforts do pay off. Did you have to pay out a reward?
Keep the faith baby. God is good all the time and all the time God is good.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Moonstruck

I'm watching that tonight and I am thinking of you. Good and bad. You decide.

1934-

Well today has been a big day for me. I buried my first cousin, who is only a year older than me. He died of a heart attack. He had it at the bus stop. When the ambulance brought him into the hospital, his aunt was the head nurse who had to admit him. They revived him three times but he just couldn't stay alive. Today was the funeral. My brother was one of the pallbearers. At the cemetery, he told me that our mother was in the hospital. She had gone to emergency with chest pains and they kept her. It will require some more testing, its not a full blown heart attack but heart disease, heart attack an just plain heart problems run in my family big time. My brother had a heart attack, both my grandmothers died of heart related problems, My aunt died of a heart attack, my cousin just died of a heart attack and my mother has high cholesterol and I imagine that she probably has a blocked artery somewhere. I plan to go to the same cardiologist and get a heart check up. I joined Lifetime fitness club to help me stay healthy. What a day.
I know the devil is a liar and this is not an area for him to enter in and have his way. Just because I was mad at you does not mean I have given up on you and me. I will not ever give up on the possibility of you and me becoming a united couple. We will and we are going to be together. Come what may, we are human beings and we all make decisions that we think are right at the time we make them. That is why intent is so important.
Intent, the reason why we do what we do.
I knew a long time ago that you were listening. You were listening when I had the black pilot. When someone broke into the pilot after we turned it in, I really knew. Just so you know, the car is a lease and in March of 2010, I will be getting a new one so get your equipment before then so they don't try to charge us for another break in.
Don't think that I am saying to my self that it is over. NO way. You don't get off that easy. I don't plan on punishing you forever. I want to forgive and forget. We cant carry every indiscretion into the future. You need to man up and know that we are in this together, no matter what. This is not a game or something that you can just say, oh well I messed up, its over.
Don't you dare think that.
If that is where you are then maybe you need to walk away now. I wont be at church tomorrow. You need to know that it has nothing to do with you. If I had it my way, I would be with you and it would be waking up with you by my side and deciding what to have for breakfast before we go to church. But since that is not the case I have to be with my mother right now. She will be getting out of the hospital and I will be there. My heart and my mind will be with you. Know that and believe that. I don't want to hear you whine or feel sorry for your self. I will listen to the sermon later that day and when I do I want to hear you speak to my heart, know the struggle that I am going through and know that I love you. That's all that I ask for.

1934-
That's the year my mom was born. I know you have been here. My mom is 75 and I know that here time will come. She gets on my nerves but she is still my mother. This is the first time she has ever been in the hospital since I was born. This scares me. It reminds me of my aunt's hospital time. She died within six months of her hospital stay.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Trust Him to Deliver Me

God promises to be a refugee and a fortress if we will dwell in Him.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

You are a magnet to my heart

I dont know why I am constantly thinking about you and wondering how we can make this better.
What is the attraction?
How is it that I feel we have so much to gain and that it would be a loss to lose you? You are in my soul, my mind and in my heart.
I want this to work and I want it to work with a true passion infinite and long lasting love. What the heck is going on? How do you love a man who spy's on you? Someone who doesn't trust you, someone who has done it for years and found nothing, nothing, nothing. Have you changed your mind, are you convinced this is wrong, what have you gained? How has this benefited you? What have you accomplished? I have know for so long but thought that at some point you would see there is nothing, I am boring and simple, what have you gained? Nothing. Nothing, Nothing.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Options

Why did I come home yesterday and fill out an application for a job teaching overseas at a DOD school in 2011?
After I did it I realized that we are both seeking something more. We haven't found it yet. You are looking for assurances that this is the real deal, that its really from God, that I am going to stay forever. God is not going to show you that. Its going to require a leap of faith. I am looking for the same thing. It requires that same leap of faith. We have the same problem. Houston, we have a problem.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Love on a two way street

I cant believe you used that song.
You know its really a sad song.
I found Love on a two way street and lost it on a lonely highway.

I wonder did you find out anything useful. Did you realize something that you didn't already know or suspect? Did you decide if I was worth the chance? Did you find out anything strange or interesting about me?
You want confirmation that I wont leave you and I want confirmation that you wont leave me. Physically and emotionally.
I cant blame you too much, after all I wont talk to you and that causes a lot of distress, when you say you love someone but wont talk to them. So I give you some leeway with that. After all, we are not what you would call normal by any stretch of the definition, but we are who we are and no one is really "normal", whatever that is.
What is it you need to know, ask me. I am not that mysterious. As you have well found out, I can curse like a sailor, probably because I was one, I don't like to do a lot of cleaning, I have more exciting things to do like watch a movie or read something. What do you want to know. What is it?

What ministery is it that I should be dedicated to? Communication, Health, Eucharistic, Word these are all of the ministries I have been a part of at one time ora another.

Just tell me what you would like me to do. What, what is it? Stop the wondering and guessing, just say it.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Time

I wrote the entry on the first, I just didnt edit it when I wrote it. I was still under the influence of the National Board. I know I wrote it and I am willing to stand by my postings. Report card pick up was fine except for one parent. She totaly wanted to have a fight with me and I rescheduleded her for today. We met this morning with the asst prioncipal and she was consistently rude and disrespectful to me. Her son received a D and I showed proof that he should have received an F but I gave him a D. First the parent wanted to fight then I had to show her that her son was not doing what he was suppose to be doing then the tables turned on him.
I am so happy that we have two weeks off. This week is devoted to holy week and to my dad. Next it is Liz. I am going to Seattle. I cant wait. Then its back to school. God is good. I had a round trip ticket that I didnt use to go to New York, when my aunt died and now I get to use it to go to Seattle. During the summer I plan to go to London, again. That is my second home. I plan on taking my dad with me. We only have six weeks because our school starts early. I have to use my time wisely.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Dont forget to publicly thank the ones who did vote for the bill. Don't dwell on the negative, dwell on the positive. It will pass eventually.
Report Card pick up today.
Feed on the Word today.

It is Done

I had to drive down to the post office in Chicago to make sure it was postmarked today. It was after 11pm but I have done it. Glory be to God. Its in the mail on its way to Texas. Now for the test in June, but thats June. Right now its done. Finished. Out of my hair, my house, my life. Thank you Jesus. I have not slept for two and a half days. I didnt sleep at all Sunday night. I just stayed up and wrote all night long then went to work. I wasnt even tired. Monday I come home and I cant even take a nap, I finally sleep for about four hours and then I am up again at 2am. Havent been to sleep since. My back hurts and I am just so ready to go on spring break for two weeks. Courage comes from faith. Now to get back to my life.

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