Joy, Joy Joy, Joy
Joy to have another day to get things right
Joy that I can wake up with everything working normal today
Joy that I have great expectations for today
Joy, Joy, Joy
I feel blessed and highly favored today
I feel good things are going to happen to me today
Today is my day
I order my steps in God's will
Today, I will enjoy today and not let one minute be ignored
Today, Today, Today
I love today
May the love of God bless you and wrap you with his love all day today.
My day today is rather light. Work of course from 3:45-9pm. But before that my time is mine. I know I should call Daddy and check out what's going on with him but I told him I wasn't coming over during this time. I needed some me time. I suppose I could call him.
No word from the ex, I suspect he may not come. It's still a week away.
I think I will get my resume and cover letter more together and think about my interview suit. I have to go shopping for a new suit. I havent had one in a long time. I know what I should do, but sometimes I just don't do it. We know what we should do but we just don't do it. Get thee behind me Satan, In Jesus name I rebuke you Satan.
Today is Thursday, tomorrow is Friday. I plan to arrive early. All things work together for the good of those that love the Lord. All things are workng together for good. All things.
"I Will Trust You, Lord
You have a plan for me - purpose and destiny; though sometimes I feel I'm lost; circumstances seem to come to make me doubt you Lord--but I will trust you Lord
You have a path for me to prosper and succeed; though sometimes I can't find my way--Lord you are the way, the truth and the light, you gave me life and I will trust you, Lord."
"My Worship Is For Real
You don't know my story
All the things that I've been through
You can't feel my pain
What I had to go through to get here
You'll never understand my praise
Don't try to figure out
Because my worship, my worship is for real
I've been through too much not - to worship him
Hallelujah, hallelujah my worship is for real"
These were from different sheets given to us when we arrive for the 11:15 service. I was cleaning out my bible and these struck me as important and pertinent to my life today. I don't want to miss my life. I don't want to spend it trying for something I think I need or want. I want to go for what God wants me to have.
I know my story is real, I know my heart is real. My God has not forsaken me and I will trust him to move me towards his purpose and destiny. Obey, obey, obey. His will and purpose is what I desire and long to do. I am faithful. I will stay faithful.
I went to the Field Museum today to see the Jackie exhibit. Very nice. Very crowded. Then we went to lunch in Naperville. Another day with mom and I survived.
As I look over my entries since the first one in July, I see a lot of me. Me, me, me. It sounds so selfish, and self centered. Pityful at times. Depressing. But its me. Its me, not polished, not dressed up for all to see, just pure plain, obnoxious me. Five months of me. What will the new year bring? A more mature, sophisticated me. I doubt it. But at least a more settled me. Maturity is something I am seeking while I examine this world. What of us for 2005? Maturity. Have I learned what I need to learn? Obviously not.
"Relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing had yet been done." C.S. Lewis
"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26
Spontaneity. I miss that from you. You respond and react to what I say. You don't seem to have any expectation of anything new. You expect me not to say anything. You expect me not to do anything. You use to be more spontaneous. We had more chemistry working. We could look across the room at each other and light up. I still can. You continue to interest me.
I don't mean to jealous of others who talk to you. Its not their fault.
I hope you slept well.
I repeatedly ask God why.
He says to me "For all the people who talk to him, he would take that and spend fie minutes talking to you"
I say when
"When I'm ready"
How
"My way"
I think I am just frozen. I have no control or say so, so I just do nothing. I'm felling like i'm not a part of this. Whenever I try to do something, it just goes all wrong, so why try. Say nothing, do nothing, be nothing. I feel like I should do something. God helps those who help themselves, right. Shouldn't I be helping my self? Well, its obvious that I'm not doing such a good job of that.
2004
This is a year to be very reflective.
Lots of things have happened.
Some things are the same and some things have changed.
This was a good year. For all the bad it has been a good year.
My back is bothering me and I have a heating pad on it and some Ben Gay.
The girls say I smell like an old lady. Oh well.
I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow.
This week I am suppose to go th the Field Musuem to see the Kennedy exhibit.
We are also going to see Polar Express one day too before Lizzie leaves.
Today I am just going to pray and ask God for guidance. Not worry and just stay calm. Enjoy your time off. Relax.
I want to get this off my mind. My ex husband called at 4am the other morning he wants to come out and visit the girls.
He asked if he could stay at my house.
He will be here from January 3rd through the 6th.
I was asleep, and tired and I told him he could stay.
The girls are looking forward to their dad coming out to stay and are thankful that I am letting him stay in our house.
This is a man with a college degree who works at the Boise Airport as a skycap because he's an alchoholic. He can't pass a drug test.
He was drunk when he called and asked. The airlines gave him a free roundtrip ticket.
He's an a-hole but he's their father.
I live with my mother, brother and two daughters. I won't be alone with him. I'm not worried about that. The visit just unnerves me. Give me guidance. He may neot even come, this may just be smoke and mirrors to impress the girls.
Give me guidance.
I didn't get a chance to say that to you today. There were some looks and almost real flirting. Thank you for the flowers. I look forward to seeing you in the morning. I hope you had a good day. It was fun today, like a family gathering. I have a card for you that I have been carrying around for the past two days. I will make sure I give it to you tomorrow.
I have something to tell you, I plan to tell you in person.
It's Christmas Eve and I'm happy.
I get to see my love today.
My Love, My Love, My Love.
They say I wake up too happy.
I don't care.
I get to see my love today, I get to see my love today, I get to see my love today.
And on that note I need to get ready to be able to leave here at 7:30 so that I am there when the doors open, and I have a good seat right up front.
I get to see my love today, I get to see my love today, I get to see my love today.
Psalm 121
I lift up my eyes to the hills-
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip-
he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord watches over you-
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The Lord will keep you from all harm-
he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both NOW and FOREVERMORE.
I was awakened this morning by you and God. You bothe were on my mind.
As I begin my day, I want you to know that God watches over your comings and goings. I am reassured that the blessings of God are upon my life. I have you in my life. As you go through your day remember that.
Be blessed and be a blessing to someone today.
I only had to ask and God showed me why he has me doing these dreadful things. Its going to be my new hobby. I know that God knoew I was a little leary of having to stay at home and busy myself. So, since God knows what each and every one of us needs individually he saw that home repair was something I might be interested in. Only I didn't know that. And it took a long time for me to realize that I really did enjoy doing what I was doing. After getting smacked in the mouth with the pole I think he had my attention then and I began pay attention to what I was doing and found I liked it. Especially when I did it right. I think I need this because the time goes by when I do it and I don't need to be sitting infront of the TV everyday. I also know that I probably won't be teaching for long. I heard you on Sunday with the story about Mrs. King and her career. That's why I think God has given me this hobby. I fought it though, until he made me take notice. Being at home fulltime is an art. You have to have something to do or you will go crazy. I did it before and I know what I'm talking about.But now, now, I have something to do and it will take up my time. I love. God always knows what we need, and gives it to us, even if we don't know it at the time. Love you, in the meantime I still have to work so I am off to work.
Spackling, lighting fixtures and tile scraping. Don't ask.
As I was going through my day with this stuff I asked God why do you have me doing this? I finished student teaching and pretty much for this entire time except for a day here and there, I have been doing work at that building. Why, why me, why now. I'm sure there's some learning I'm suppose to get. I didn't hurt myself today, I actually enjoyed spackling and scraping. I did a good job changing out the light fixtures. I guess if this teaching thing doesn't work I can become a handyman.
I miss being able to write to you first thing in the morning. Lately I am out of the house by 7-7:30. Not back until 8:30 today. Back Wednesday and Thursday. I am not going back over ther again during the holiday week. I refuse.
I wonder where you are when you read these entries. I wonder what you are doing, I wonder if you smile sometimes when you read them. I wonder.
Well I am going to prepare for bed. I know you have a lot to do to prepare for the wonderful Christmas Eve service. I'm looking forward to it. Take care and have a blessed evening. Rest well. Relax. Remember who's the reason for the season-
"my heart is heavy, it has love in it
my soul is restless, its birthing a dream
my mind is racing, its visualizing the truth" - Judi
I have to bargain for time now on the computer. I have another computer but I havent had it fixed. I guess its time to get it fixed. I have spent the day at "the building". I had my first casualty, I was hit in the face with a clothes closet pole. It hurt. I cried. I put ice on my face so it wouldn't look like I had been beaten up. I am so tired of being a handyman. I need a good handyman in Lynwood. Someone honest, reliable and reasonable.I have to go back tues, wed, and thurs. Nine closets fixture lights and nine closet doors.
I hear but I don't want to verbalize what I am hearing. I'm just waiting. I feel that you are busy and pressured. I want you to do your best to relax. I think you are excited about what you are planning, and I know it will be great. I'm excited too. I'm walking by faith and not by sight. I believe that all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord. The Lord is the light, the truth and the way.
Thank you Lord for allowing me to have a busy day. I won't complain again about not having anything to do. Today I got up went to work, went to my dad's to help him prepare for reinspection on Monday. Got back home around 8:30. My daughters were both home. Thank you for allowing us all to travel safely today.
I missed not writing to you today. I look forward to having some contact with you everyday. I must trust not to rely on my own understanding but rely on God in everything.
I get to see you tomorrow. Tomorrow, tomorrow, its only a day away. I going to do thirty minutes on the treadmill before going to bed. Good Night my love. My Love, my heart, my angel muffin cake.
Thank you Lord for allowing me to know love.
Thank you Lord for letting me have a quiet day.
Thank you Lord for all that you do, even when I don't know what it is you are doing.
Dear Lord, protect my love and strengthen him so that he is able to do the things he needs to do. Give him clarity and peace of mind to make the right decisions and to hear your word in all of them.
And finally Lord that you for just being you. Amen.
I'll be home for Christmas, you can count on me, I'll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams..." (song by somebody) My darling, my darling, I have spent my day very unproductive. I went to the movies and saw Spanglish. It was OK. I then looked over my planner from Unity Fellowship and put things in for the year. My birthday falls on Holy Thursday. I can look forward to seeing you on my birthday. I also saw that for the next two Friday's I will see you, so, date night will end this year with us being in the same place, at the same time, on the same day, oh how beautiful, that's something to look forward to. A real date night. I think I lost my intimacy when I tried to make sense out of this. I put down my pictures, my sayings, my endearments as just nonsense. I didn't treasure the intimacy I had found with you through this journal. I am so sorry. I tried to find it a different way, a way that I thought made sense and it didn't work. I have since learned that making sense to me is not part of the deal. I have to be willing to continue even when it doesn't make sense. So I am now back to preparing my body. I have slacked off on my exercising and I plan to get back to women's workout. I know that one day we will be together and I don't want to be fat when that daycomes. Alright my love, I am going to end now. When ever I make a long entry it has a chance of being lost. I will talk to you later, before I go to bed. 
I am so happy that you are trying to have unity in the church even though you have resistance. You know what its feels like to be in the presence of God and know that there is really more out there than this. I love the old testament when they talk about walking with God, how God came down to see what they were doing. How there was a closeness with God. When I think about how he loves us, I think about how I do love my daughter. She will do wrong sometimes but I still love her. That helps me think about how God still loves us. I think about how I say I love you and I wonder what that means to you. I wonder if it scares you, if you doubt it or if you believe it. There is so much to think about.
When I think about Mary and Jesus I know that she loved him. She knew he could perform that miracle at the wedding because he probably performed it many times when he was a toddler. He would want a certain drink and they might be out so he would just turn what ever was available into what he wanted. I believe that is why she knew she could ask him to do that. She knew what he could do. She was his mom. She raised him, with all of his earthly wants and desires as a child.
Just wondering and pondering about stuff. What an interesting time we live in.
Well, tomorrow, look for the outside lights. I cannot find the container that they are in. I have to go in the garage or under the stairs. Oh well, I know its somewhere.
Have a good night and take care of yourself. May God Bless you and keep you tonight.
I am blessed to wake up and have another day to get things right.
I have to go over to my dad's and wait for the Orkin people. Then I have to go to work.
I hope you rested well, had a good breakfast and you are ready to challenge the world. Have a good day. Enjoy life today. You do such a good job with the things God has given you. Continue todo that. Keep your motives for God.
I do trust in God and I trust you. I do. I believe, I believe I believe.
My friend's husband found a lump in his neck and it turned out to be cancer. They are waiting on the results of a CT scan done yesterday to see where it has spread. I am praying form them today. The wait is the hardest for them right now.
Say a prayer if you have a chance.
I have to go now, Lynwood is calling for my presence. Take Care and have a blessed day.
Each and everyday will bring new chances to get things right.
Each day will be a chance to draw nearer.
Each and everyday will allow me to renew my relationship with god.
Thank you for each and every day Lord.
Good night my dear.
Good Morning, Good Afternoon, and Good Evening seem so formal. I just want to say Hi. Hi.
Now that I am home everyday I have a chance to think about things. Now you might say that's dangerous for me but none the less God has given me the ability to do that. I was thinking about our unity fellowship last night.Now there is a confidentiality thing about the info discussed and I will not break that. Just thinking though, on the subject in general and the need for recognition and comfort. How we are very reluctant to go outside of our comfort zones and do things that may not benefit us directly. To have unity we have to be willing to care about those that can't care for themselves. We have to be a voice for the less fortunate. Who will be a voice for us when we can't speak or stick up for ourselves? I think we have to also not always need recognition when we do something. Just do it and move on. When someone else is recognized we can't say why not me? But we do say why not me. Is that pride, envy, jealousy? We are generally good people, can we be happy for others even when we aren't recognized and we have done the same thing or even more?
I'm just pondering on some thoughts. It made me think about my certificate. I worked hard, I wanted to teach to help the young. Have I made it more important in my life? Would I give up teaching to do something else? I believe I would. I believe I want to do what God want's for me. It's like, God has me prepared for this but I'm not doing it now. I like to think that I'm taking December off. Resting and reflecting. Where to now Lord, where to now.
Well, I'm washing clothes now and will be working this evening from 4-9. Enjoy your day. When are we going to go protest something?
Unity was in this house tonight. We had 5 of the 7 show up. We read, we reflected and we discussed. We spent a lot of time discussing how to create the one voice in our community. We want to have unity in the community. I hope you had a good evening. We read your letter "Realizing Unity" and we really discussed how we could individually make unity happen. It's a challenge and it requires us to have less pride, jealousy and more focus on God.
"Like obedience, service is something we offer up to God as an act, of trust and love and worship." Lois Evans
I hope you had a good sleep. Peaceful and restful. I hope you woke up with the love of God in your heart. Refreshed and ready to begin the new day. The sun is shining the air is crisp, and today is our day of fasting and reflecting on unity.
I know this is only a snapshot in time of feelings, words, and moods. As I look at my last entry, I don't want you to think Pat was saying bad things about you. She wasn't. I have joined the women's club and she is an officer as she was telling me about some of the things that they do and how those things are done. The ETA event, the Valentines Dance and the Holy Thursday dinner. She was asking also whether I was still at the school, stuff like that. It's like she didn't want me to go. Just sit there and talk, really listen to her, and so I did.
I keep my dreams to myself. I don't share them with anyone anymore. When I did it wasn't too pleasant. Oh well. Move on.
I am staying hopeful and don't care. I don't care if it seems as if the whole church knows my problem. I don't care if they all seem to want to help me somehow someway. I have said nothing to them and if its you well then fine, if its not and its just pure dumb luck, then its God. Whatever it is, I am relying on God to guide me. I have to be thankful that I am in a place that cares about me. I don't care if the whole world knows. I know they only have your happiness in mind and if they can help me then so be it.
You did a wonderful job of reconciliation. Julie was great. You have good people around you that care about you. I don't want to be a negative in your life and draw positive energy away from things you can be doing. I only want to add positive influences to your life. I want God to be the influence behind anything I do. I don't listen to anything or anyone that has anything bad to say about you. I refuse. I tell them I don't want to hear it. I will not allow anyone to say anything bad about you around me.
Here I am praying now for the closeness we had before I began to search (in my own human way) for closeness with us. I know if I go back to the basics it will happen. I sincerely want to get the simple things back.
I listened to Isreal on the way home. "I am a friend of God" and "Here I am to Worship". I listened to the second cd. I really like that set.
Well I have to prepare for tomorrow. I didn't do anything today.
Have a good evening and I will say a prayer for you tonight as I do every night.
"God speaks in the silence of our heart, and we listen. And then we speak to God from the fullness of our heart, and God listens. And this listening and this speaking is what prayer is meant to be: that oneness with God, that oneness with Jesus." Mother Teresa
"Souls of prayer are souls of deep silence. We cannot place ourselves directly in the presence of ? God without forcing ourselves to an inner and an outer silence. Therefore, we have to get used to the silence of the spirit, of the eyes, and of the tongue." Mother Teresa
Silence. I have tried to have a lot of that this morning. I think I am getting a cold or sinuses or something. I feel dreadful. I have been drinking lots of tea and fluids. I have taken some sinus medicine and I think I will be ready for this afternoon. Two hours of work and then the reconcilation service. I may be a little late since I dont get off till six but I have to update the student books. Shouldnt take too long. If I see you I see you, if not then, there's always another day. I'm not as thoughtful today. I am just standing on my promise. I'm not moving. I'm silent. Reflective. Congested.
I am finally home. This was a long day. I woke up this morning and I just had a urge to go to church. I washed my hair and got ready. My daughter had gotten home around 5am with her friend (girl) and they were noisy and had been drinking. Of course my mother tells me I need to talk to them because they left the garage door open and set the alarm off on the door. When I go to them one is sleep in my other daughter's room and the other is in her room sleep. What am I going to do with them.
So I decided to go to church. I would like to say God led me to go instead of tryiing to fight with two drunk girls.
When I got to church, I was able to just pray on those girls and their situation. Seeing the first communion children reminded me of when they were having their first communion and that they are children, but they are 23 years old.
I had to leave to go to work. It was a good service. I am asking God to lead me with this. I don't think I will do anymore spiritual counseling for a while. I just need to rely on God's word and listen to you more. No one has ever told me not to listen to you, if anything its been more like who do I think I am getting a catch like you.
I don't know what I am to do, but I plan to stay in prayer and listen to God's word. I know that I am willing, ready and able.I will stay steady on the journey and where ever it leads thats where I'll go. I do like to know the who, what, when, where and how. But I guess that's another hurdle, to just sit back and trust.
I will continue to look for work, and try to keep my family on an even keel. I will look to God for direction on what to do. I will look to God for direction with you. Its like, I'm suppose to do something. But what. Over one hurdle on to the next. I can trust you. I know that. No matter what happens I know that you are, to the best of your ability, trustworthy. I know that anything can happen and anything is possible. I nknow that you arent perfect and that's ok too. I don't have unrealistic expectations. You seem to know so much its like I have nothing to hide. You still know and you are still there.
Well, dear, its been a long day and I need to ger ready for bed.
I think I'm going to try and do the 8:30 more often. I know that I'm closer to you when I'm there. I will just believe God's promise/word to me and not wonder how it will happen. Just believe, and have faith. Give yourself a big hug from me. One day you will have the real thing.
Be blessed and be a blessing to someone.
I woke up this morning thinking it was Sunday. I was happy about that, then I realized it was Saturday and I had to go to work. Twice a week isnt enough. I will be at the reconciliation service on Monday. I won't see you on Tues. I got my certificate in the mail yesterday. I am fully certified and legal. Yeah!!!
The anticipation of seeing you on Sunday. Yeah!!!!!
Gotta go to work then I'm free for the day. I wil lcome home and put up Christmas decorations.
Be Blessed and be a blessing to someone today.
I Am Lost Without You
My eyes are open and the storm is over.
Once again you are right. I don’t know why I don’t listen to you more. This morning I have spent the last three hours praying to God and asking him to help me and show me what he wants me to do. He directed me to Jonah. Right away I was like, OK, I know you want me to do this thing and I have run away but how do I get back. How do I embrace your will now. How do I make this happen? As I read I began to see how Jonah was told by God what to do. Go to these people who are wild and barbaric. He feared them because of what they do to their enemies and God had told Jonah to tell them they were wrong and Jonah felt they would do that to him, so he flees. While on the boat during the storm, he goes in the bottom and falls into a deep sleep. God is with him. They throw him over with much discernment and he is tossed into the wild sea but there is calm on the boat. After Jonah is picked up by the fish he prays and praises God immensely. He recognizes his power yet again and he is saved. He asks God again what to do and he tells him to go to Nineveh, again. He gets there and tells them what God has told him. They repent and God has compassion on them and saves them. Then Jonah is resentful. He feels God could have done this without him and the fact that he had compassion on them upset Jonah. God goes on to say even the ignorant need saving.
Now what does this have to do with my saving grace? Everything and nothing.
I began to pray to God continuously to help me, show me, guide me. I asked him to show me what I was fearful of. What was keeping from doing his will. I then began to forgive those that had hurt me. Those that had misused my trust. But this time I included people I hadn’t included before and I began to ask God to bless them, show favor in their lives, to allow them to feel comfort from him on this day. I asked God to forgive them for their sins and to forgive me for allowing this to take over my life. It was like a weight had been removed from my shoulders. A calmness came over me and I felt released. I no longer had the feelings of dread and fear. I remembered you telling me before to forgive my enemies and I thought I had but I had never blessed them and wished good things in their lives. I truly mean that too.
Where would I be without you. I don’t want to know.
I choose to love God.
I am choosing God and his promise for me. His vision is real and I accept it as fact in my life. I seek him earnestly and with enthusiam. I am not going to dissappoint you or God. When I said I am sorry and forgive me that was because I seem to not be taking up the demands of God. I want to believe in that peace that I have when I know that God says everything is going to be ok. I know that's possible and I want to be real and recognize that peace and remind myself that ultimately I am loved. I have support and faith and love will see me through. I am blessed.
"The more we trust God to meet our needs, the less likely we are to try to meet them ourselves with disastrous results." - Lois Evans
"And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19
Dear Lord,
Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me.
My Love, My Love, My Love,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Its nice to be able to read the bible and receive a message from God. I am changing from the old to the new. I don't want to lose you in the process. I must be resistant to the new and I know that change is inevitable. Everything around me may change but God is changeless. I now want to reestablish, renew and remain in fellowship, partnership and friendship with you. I will no longer be in search of some man made solution to help me talk to you. God will handle that, as he had before, and if I let him do his thing, everything will be alright. I have to sit back and let him take control, keep control and stay in control. Relax, calm down, have patience. Let what's going to happen, happen. I will keep my appt for Thurs 12 noon with sister Debbie, but I'm not trying to find a way to talk to you anymore, I just want to draw nearer to God, more spiritual direction. My day was quiet. I worked the afternoon and came home. Tomorrow, pretty much the same. I will be doing some decorations. I like the lights you have up for Christmas. Its very nice. May the angels wrap you in their loving arms and keep you safe from harm. Good Night My Love.
I have been sitting here for two hours trying to think of something to say. I believed in my heart, I was ready to make a change, do something different and it didnt happen. I was so sure that was going to be the night.
There was more closeness before I began the whole search of how to talk to you. This search has taken on a life of itself. Back to the basics. Meet and greet my pastor. That's all I need to do. This is ridiculous. There is no reason for me not to just do it.
I have been putting in contact paper on kitchen shelves and removing caulk in the bathrooms. Interesting. I have been listening to Bishop Morton, Let It Rain CD. Very Interesting.
I've been thinking, in the prodigal son, the one thing that always sticks with me is the fact that the son who stayed, when he asked why didnt I get a fatted calf he was told you could have it anytime you wanted it. He stayed, he put the log on the fire, he worked the fields, he was faithful, was he ever rewarded or was his reward knowing that he was with God all the time? That is a good and just reward, but did he know that? Was his flesh talking with jealousy and envy? We never know what happened. Just wondering...
OK countdown one hour and twenty five minutes. I cant wait for this to be over.
Good Morning, Good Morning, Good Morning!!!!!
This is the day that the lord has made, Let us rejoice and be glad in it.
Today is the inspection. I am so ready for it to be over.
I found Hannah in the bible, 1Samuel Chapter 1.
It was refreshing to read it, I read the King James version as well as the NIV.
I think I find it hard to believe in the vision God has for me. But believe I must. I have to live like the dream is here and real. I keep searching for why, when, how. God constantly just tells me to trust him. Let go and stay focused on him. Moments when I do let go and just say, "OK God, take over" (and I truly mean it) then he does and the world is not so bad. I need more of those moments. I pray that God will hear my prayers from the heart and know that I love him. I spent a lot of time in quiet meditation on and about God yesterday. I asked God to help me walk this walk, help me to not say things to hurt you when you are truly trying to help me. I asked God to let me think before I speak. Maybe that's why my tongue is tied. But I asked God to show me what to do, and that was to love you. Not care what anyone thinks and says, just love you. Hmmm. How do I do that? Continue to believe in you. Really believe in you. Let no one influence me about you and me. Know that I know what I know about this relationship. Be a friend and partner to you. I'm going to try this.
OK, back on the road again.
Hugs and kisses to you, my friend. See you this evening. I will be picking up my dish from the rectory around 6pm.
Good Morning!
I'm at my father's house. I am trying to help him with his inspection. He cancelled it from last week and rescheduled it for this week. I am ready to be done with this inspection. My daughter is helping me and her attitude alone is enough
Well, I got some stuff off my chest yesterday. Just know that this is very hard for me.
I comb my hair back to get it off my face, my skin is very sensitive and I am trying to reduce breakout. Then you talk about my hair style. I have a high forehead and I know it, I'm sensitive about that, I'm just too sensitive about myself. I'm too sensitive.
I think that one of these times you will say, enough, no more, I can't handle this, I don't want to be involved with this stuff, I'm out of here.
That's where I trying to believe that that won't happen. How do I do that? I try to believe and know that a commitment is made and that trust can be put in you. How do I do that? By trying to understand the meaning, the cost and the responsibility of trust.
I am listening to yesterday's sermon, when I finish I will have something else to say.
I wonder why God wants me to write in this journal? Is it so you and I can create a level of intimacy even thought we are away from each other? Is it so I can tell you what I think and do so you can know me and what I like and dislike? Is is so you can help me refine and repair myself? I hope its all of the above.
I sometimes feel like a lady in a magic act. I'm the woman strapped to the spinning wheel and daggers are being thrown at me. You never hit me with the dagger but you come very close and the crowd just keeps clapping and cheering you on the keep going. I'm scared as heck about what's going to happen but you say "trust me".God is guiding the knives and they never maim, just get very close. God wants me to trust. Yes, its going to get very scary but just trust in me, trust in him. I think he wants me to know that it really is just me, you and him. Don't let anyone else in this relationship. Don't let others influence me or tell me what's going on between you and me. I KNOW YOU CARE AND THAT THIS IS REAL.
I often wonder if there is ever a level within me that you find pleasing? I often feel like you are judging me all the time. But I know that God wants me to be strong, I have to be able to take the good with the bad. I know that you are telling me things that are true and I need to hear them. I need to do the right thing and I ask you constantly for the truth and would be dissappointed if you did otherwise.
I know its selfish of me to want to know something about the future plans, I have to make up stories to my self. I know how Noah felt. You know that the dream is coming true someday but the people you have told about it are all too ready to knock that dream down and you don't tell anyone else about your dream. The one you have told never forgets that they know. You just keep plugging along, not knowing what or when or if, but you know it will. Faith keeps you going.
Am I engaged? Can my heart believe in the promise? Do I find solace in knowing that you care? Is that enough? Am I selfish for wanting more? Can I be patient and let the miracle happen? Will I really be happy? Will you be happy?
I miss you when I don't send a message everyday. I wake up at three in the morning wanting to send a message. I think about whether you wonder what I'm doing or what is going on in my life. Then I try to send something that is not depressing and is uplifting. What was that pat on the shoulder about? I know that wasn't for me. You just must have been tired. That's what I'm going to say anyway. I wonder...
Joy rises in me like a summer's morn. - Samuel Taylor Coleridge
My theory is to enjoy life, but the practice is against it. - Charles Lamb
Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. - Psalms 30:5
A joy that is shared is a joy made double. - John Ray
Ocassionally in life there are those moments of unutterable fulfillment which cannot be completely explained by those symbols called words. Their meanings can only be articulated by the inaudible language of the heart. - Martin Luther King, Jr.
But let judgment run down as waters, and righteousness as a mighty
stream.-Amos 5:24
I'm making Pot Roast and Vegetables. Its done with lean beef, fresh vegetables, and low sodium.The highest amout of fat is the 7grams in the beef. It's not ready yet so I'm bringing cookies in instead. I will have my daughter bring the roast in later, I have to work this evening and I have to leave for a 12 noon appointment.
I ask God to tell me what to do and he continues to say trust him. Just trust him. I ask how to do that and he says just do what you know how to do. I know how to cook and I know how to read and get information. I am cooking stuff for you because that's what I know how to do. I don't know what else to do. I just keep trying to do stuff and pray that I am doing the right thing. I know how to study and get good grades. It doesnt come easy for me and I find it to be a challenge all the times. I don't mean to come of snooty or too academic. I only know how to do what I know to do. I trying to learn. When I get a good grade I like to let others know, I havent always gotten good grades but when I try and put lots of effort into it then usually I am successful. If I come off too proper its only because that's what I know. I was taught at a young age, charm school, ettiquette classes, cottillions and tea parties. I know only what I was taught, I'm trying to learn different. So if I come off as too hung up on what others think or what I think is the right way to do something I am just falling back on what I was taught. I'm trying not to care.
Be anxious for nothing. That's in the bible somewhere too. This morning was crazy but I have paid my mortgage and that in it self was such a relief. Bills paid and up to date. Thank you God.
This afternoon lunch at Red Lobster and off to the Field Museum for a lecture in the evening. I'm spending the day with my mom. Pray that I survive.
I encourage you to continue with your signs of encouragement and reflection. When you do the little things (speak to me, look at me, etc) it helps. Thank you.
